...

Love.

I hope this echoes to you... somehow.

As for me... I'm trying not to wait any longer.
Because if you had wanted to, you'd have done it yourself, maybe even long ago.

I'm trying to enforce that on my mind. My heart.

You'd have done it long ago.

And you haven't.

That should be the endpoint. You haven't.

I want to scream or go raging about or something. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm so invisible. Feel so invisible. Or maybe I'm not, but I just don't fit with anyone. I don't know. I'm probably just boring. Most likely. I'm an outcast.

you won't be there. you won't be celebrating with me. you won't even be encouraging me to celebrate.

you won't be there to greet me by midnight. you won't be there to meet me. you won't be there to wish good wishes.

you just won't be there. it's as simple as that. even if you were, it's never for me. it never is.

I miss you so much...
I don't want to miss you anymore but i still do.
You don't know and you don't care. It's just as simple as that.
I wish i could see or hear any confirmation from you, any signal that could tell me to stop now.
You're too perfect to be meant for me. I'm just scared to make anything of our friendship. I even tremble talking to you. My brain stumbles on itself.
And i don't want this feeling anymore because it's not getting me anywhere. It's just making me feel more alone.

1.04am.
I feel depressed. And stupid. And useless. And just... i cannot keep anything together. It's like, whatever's the effort for when no one finds it valuable? It's like this all the time.
I want to see you. I don't know if you feel it. I suppose you don't though. I mean, why ever would you? Hahaha. Hah. It's not like you look for me anyway.
The people i love do not value me as much.

I dont know what to write down.
A long drawn sigh would feel most appropriate and be most appropriate in sending a message. The message.

We're not close. We're... we're not even really talking for chrissakes. The thing about being able to talk to someone about anything, from fixing the faucet to the best napkin brands to the best haircuts to the best movies to salt and pepper beards to life being an absolute asshole or an absolute darling... that doesn't seem to want to happen to us.

Or i dunno. Maybe i just really turn you off. Haha. Yeah. Would take up a huge part of the equation.

I'm... i feel unacceptable, somehow. No matter how i strive to better myself. I still feel unacceptable. Still stupid, still stiff, still... phew.

If you see me crying, would you understand? Would you hear all of this? Or maybe you'll just be like, omg you're such a shallow girl why are you even dwelling in this haha, add some generic words of encouragement.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to keep thinking and not deliver, not reciprocate, not be someone someone would understand and have the patience for, anymore...

if you do not see yourself as a person of value, in any which way, it becomes dangerously depressing to not feel needed by anyone else.

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i'm... troubled? unsure??

maybe there's nothing to think about. you just looked, nothing else.



but dear gods do i love you.

i'm sorry if i can't effectively show that.

i'm too awkward to be daring.

so i'll just stay here and be your shadow. unless you recognize this shadow.

but i'll just be here. i can do that, at least.