"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned to live."
- Lin Yutang
20081128
20081122
holy creep!
ants make up 15% of the world's biomass. - according to NGC
that's some seriously scary shit! and i really had to share it hahaha.
that's some seriously scary shit! and i really had to share it hahaha.
20081116
oh my effing god
i have been having TONS of my dreams coming to life lately. and it's freaking me out.
i've already had such experiences before, and i consider my ability a gift, although it has rarely shown me anything that might benefit me or others. i see minor details and instances to the future through my dreams, but i can't decipher whether they are true or not unless the instance actually happens.
here are some examples which happened just recently:
1. i dreamed last year, or maybe early this year, about standing along a balcony, and looking down, i saw a golf-course looking space on the lower floor. and i was thinking then "shouldn't that be a pool?", then the dream ended. just this month, i saw the same thing and thought the same thing while i was walking along the balcony of trinoma.
2. i can't remember when, but i dreamed of looking at a website with pictures of a girl wearing different outfits. in my dream, i knew that she felt herself pretty, or that her cloth combos look good, but to me they don't look particularly good. and in my dream i was also thinking about whether to comment on the website or not. just recently, chum posted here a link to http://www.seaofshoes.com. it was the same site i dreamed of, and i also thought of whether to comment or not. it was after that thought that i suddenly remembered dreaming about it. this happened today.
the other ones are too minor to remember, but i do remember having about 10 to 15 of those dreams becoming real JUST THIS MONTH. and it's starting to scare me a bit.
well.. if you experience the same thing, might as well comment :)
i've already had such experiences before, and i consider my ability a gift, although it has rarely shown me anything that might benefit me or others. i see minor details and instances to the future through my dreams, but i can't decipher whether they are true or not unless the instance actually happens.
here are some examples which happened just recently:
1. i dreamed last year, or maybe early this year, about standing along a balcony, and looking down, i saw a golf-course looking space on the lower floor. and i was thinking then "shouldn't that be a pool?", then the dream ended. just this month, i saw the same thing and thought the same thing while i was walking along the balcony of trinoma.
2. i can't remember when, but i dreamed of looking at a website with pictures of a girl wearing different outfits. in my dream, i knew that she felt herself pretty, or that her cloth combos look good, but to me they don't look particularly good. and in my dream i was also thinking about whether to comment on the website or not. just recently, chum posted here a link to http://www.seaofshoes.com. it was the same site i dreamed of, and i also thought of whether to comment or not. it was after that thought that i suddenly remembered dreaming about it. this happened today.
the other ones are too minor to remember, but i do remember having about 10 to 15 of those dreams becoming real JUST THIS MONTH. and it's starting to scare me a bit.
well.. if you experience the same thing, might as well comment :)
20081028
20081024
20081017
Quotes ni Bob Ong
laftrip pero true-to-life :)
1. "Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pagtinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."
2. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.."
3. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawakan ng iba."
4. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."
5. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."
6. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."
7. "Kung maghihintay ka nang ng lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."
8. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
9. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."
10. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang."
11. "Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?"
12. "Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
13. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"
14. "nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."
15. "Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."
16. "ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko "
17. "hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"
18. "hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "
19. "Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."
20. "Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."
21. "Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima.
22. "may tatlong butiki pumalakpak ang isa, ilan ang baboy?"
1. "Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pagtinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."
2. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.."
3. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawakan ng iba."
4. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."
5. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."
6. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."
7. "Kung maghihintay ka nang ng lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."
8. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
9. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."
10. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang."
11. "Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?"
12. "Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
13. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"
14. "nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."
15. "Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."
16. "ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko "
17. "hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"
18. "hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "
19. "Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."
20. "Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."
21. "Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima.
22. "may tatlong butiki pumalakpak ang isa, ilan ang baboy?"
20081011
ayun. nabigo nanaman ako. lagi nalang. T_T.
kapagod.
bakit kaya ganon. aandar ang puso mo pero di naman masasagot.
tapos ang masakit pa, malalaman mo na meron na palang sumagot sa andar ng puso nya, ibang tao nga lang.
sakit. tao lang ako eh. marunong makaramdam ng sakit. at kaunting inggit. pasalamat nalang ako sa Diyos na kahit paano tinuruan nya akong buksan ng maigi ang mga mata ko, utak ko at puso ko. marunong na akong tumanggap ng sakit nang hindi pumipiglas sa hawak ng kapalaran. hindi pumipiglas, pero lumuluha parin.
kapagod.
bakit kaya ganon. aandar ang puso mo pero di naman masasagot.
tapos ang masakit pa, malalaman mo na meron na palang sumagot sa andar ng puso nya, ibang tao nga lang.
sakit. tao lang ako eh. marunong makaramdam ng sakit. at kaunting inggit. pasalamat nalang ako sa Diyos na kahit paano tinuruan nya akong buksan ng maigi ang mga mata ko, utak ko at puso ko. marunong na akong tumanggap ng sakit nang hindi pumipiglas sa hawak ng kapalaran. hindi pumipiglas, pero lumuluha parin.
20081003
20080925
20080921
i want to see you. i want to see your face again. but i have to wait. i still have to wait for... 24 hours more. time ticks at a snail's pace. it's slower than it usually runs. i want the sun to rise and set at a pace unrecognized by man. but it doesn't, because it waits for other people to realize that life is not worth anything without love.
20080917
ay. dapat maging manhid. kundi masasaktan lang.
sorry nalang kay FSM.
hurts bad. really. lalo na kasi alam ko yung tipo nya at alam kong wala akong binatbat dun. so alam ko ring umaasa lang ako. and yet di pa ko tumitigil.
first time ko nagrespond sa kanya matter of fact-ly kanina. and it felt like an achievement on my part because... because. i dont know why, other than that i looked a little rude and it felt like i pushed him off more. it felt like an achievement where i want to forget him. but it felt so much like a failure in trying to know him better.
and right now, i think i can feel the failure more than the achievement. i might get depressed again.
sorry nalang kay FSM.
hurts bad. really. lalo na kasi alam ko yung tipo nya at alam kong wala akong binatbat dun. so alam ko ring umaasa lang ako. and yet di pa ko tumitigil.
first time ko nagrespond sa kanya matter of fact-ly kanina. and it felt like an achievement on my part because... because. i dont know why, other than that i looked a little rude and it felt like i pushed him off more. it felt like an achievement where i want to forget him. but it felt so much like a failure in trying to know him better.
and right now, i think i can feel the failure more than the achievement. i might get depressed again.
20080910
gusto ko na umiyaaaaaak pero walang luhang lumalabas e. tsaka ayaw kong humikbi. pero gusto ko na talaga bawasan yung mga bagay na nagpapabigat sa puso ko. di lang to love life. kahit pano di naman ako ganoon ka lulong. marami pa kong ibang problema na di ko kayang bigyang boses. at sa tingin ko tama lang na di bigyang boses yung mga problemang yon, kasi kahit gamitan ko ng salita yung problema ko, di parin kayang i-describe ng salita yung nararamdaman ko. sana katulad sa eragon, alam nila yung mga real names ng bagay bagay tulad ng apoy, na ang tunay na pangalan ay brisingr. ganoon lang kadali. at di ka pwedeng magsinungaling pag ginamit mo ang old language. sana ganoon din sa totoong buhay. hahanap ka lang ng isang salita, tapos pag nasabi mo yung salitang yun... poof! wala ka nang kunsumisyon. ganoon kadali.
masarap mabuhay pag alam mo ang ginagawa mo at meron kang kasamang pwede mong pagsabihan ng kahit ano. si briks, thank you sobra sa lahat ng oras na nakinig ka sa rants ko, whether good or bad rants. you don't know how much it means to me and how much it helps me get through the day. oo may blog ako pero di nakakapagreact ang blog. tsaka kahit pano parehas tayong nakakakuha ng payo sa isa't isa tsaka parehas tayo ng nararamdaman sa ngayon. parehas din tayong problemado sa love life hahahaha. sa puntong ito, as in itong punto, nangiti ako tsaka naramdaman kong gumaan ng onti ang pakiramdam ko. haaaaayyy. sarap. pero kulang pa eh. may kailangan talaga akong sabihin pa pero di ko alam kung ano.
gusto ko lang makita si FSM.
hinde fhm yan FSM. naku tingnan mo ang keyboard mo.
gusto ko lang sya makita ng matagalan. tapos makilala pa sya ng husto. parang mabait kasi sya. tsaka... gusto ko nanaman umiyak. mabait kasi sya tsaka madali makisama. tsaka di sya judgmental. tsaka pag nakikita ko sya, parang nararamdaman ko na, siguro masarap sya maging kaclose. di ko kelangan ng boypren o sex partner ika nga. di ko kelangan ng ganoong aktibidad. actually against ako dun, pero di ko naman pipigilan ang iba sa ganoong gawain. parang masaya lang sya kaclose kasi mukang malambing sya pag close kayo. tsaka parang kuya ko narin. 2 years ata agwat namin i think. nanibago ako once nung nakita ko sya na pure black yung hair nya, pero wala pa sya nun sakin. ngayon lang talaga. sobrang apektado ako kasi parang, andyan na sya pero hanggang tingin lang ako. no interactions. pero kung papipiliin ako sa di ko sya kilala at sa nagpaplastikan kami, dun nalang ako sa di ko sya kilala. masakit man sa loob.
good night na. matutulog na ko at problemado padin ako sa VMA.
masarap mabuhay pag alam mo ang ginagawa mo at meron kang kasamang pwede mong pagsabihan ng kahit ano. si briks, thank you sobra sa lahat ng oras na nakinig ka sa rants ko, whether good or bad rants. you don't know how much it means to me and how much it helps me get through the day. oo may blog ako pero di nakakapagreact ang blog. tsaka kahit pano parehas tayong nakakakuha ng payo sa isa't isa tsaka parehas tayo ng nararamdaman sa ngayon. parehas din tayong problemado sa love life hahahaha. sa puntong ito, as in itong punto, nangiti ako tsaka naramdaman kong gumaan ng onti ang pakiramdam ko. haaaaayyy. sarap. pero kulang pa eh. may kailangan talaga akong sabihin pa pero di ko alam kung ano.
gusto ko lang makita si FSM.
hinde fhm yan FSM. naku tingnan mo ang keyboard mo.
gusto ko lang sya makita ng matagalan. tapos makilala pa sya ng husto. parang mabait kasi sya. tsaka... gusto ko nanaman umiyak. mabait kasi sya tsaka madali makisama. tsaka di sya judgmental. tsaka pag nakikita ko sya, parang nararamdaman ko na, siguro masarap sya maging kaclose. di ko kelangan ng boypren o sex partner ika nga. di ko kelangan ng ganoong aktibidad. actually against ako dun, pero di ko naman pipigilan ang iba sa ganoong gawain. parang masaya lang sya kaclose kasi mukang malambing sya pag close kayo. tsaka parang kuya ko narin. 2 years ata agwat namin i think. nanibago ako once nung nakita ko sya na pure black yung hair nya, pero wala pa sya nun sakin. ngayon lang talaga. sobrang apektado ako kasi parang, andyan na sya pero hanggang tingin lang ako. no interactions. pero kung papipiliin ako sa di ko sya kilala at sa nagpaplastikan kami, dun nalang ako sa di ko sya kilala. masakit man sa loob.
good night na. matutulog na ko at problemado padin ako sa VMA.
WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO HIDE EVERYTHING THAT I FEEL?!?! PUTCHA! NO FREEDOM AT ALL!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I WANT TO YELL LIKE MAD AND TELL YOU THAT I LIKE YOU AND TELL HIM THAT I HATE HIM! AND I WANT TO YELL TO EVERYONE TO STOP BEING SUCH STUPID JERKS WHO THINK THAT EVERYTHING ENDS IN THE IMAGE YOU PROJECT!!! POTA ANG KIKITID NG MGA UTAK NIYO!!!
NAKAKAINIS!!! PARANG LAGI NALANG ME NAKASAPLOT SA BUNGANGA KO PARA DI AKO MAKASALITA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANNOYING! SO ANNOYING AND SO FRUSTRATING!!! I AM BUILDING SO MUCH ANGST YOU CAN'T MEASURE IT WITH TEARS!!!
NAKAKAINIS!!! PARANG LAGI NALANG ME NAKASAPLOT SA BUNGANGA KO PARA DI AKO MAKASALITA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANNOYING! SO ANNOYING AND SO FRUSTRATING!!! I AM BUILDING SO MUCH ANGST YOU CAN'T MEASURE IT WITH TEARS!!!
20080909
so frustrating.
im always affected whenever my crush (whoever it may be at that time) is somewhere near. im always affected in a way that makes me feel hopeless and happy and dumped and paralyzed, all at the same time. it's like i'm there, and all i need to do is flirt, but i can't because that's my system. i DON'T flirt. so what happens? i can only watch him. him with the impeccable smile.
so frustrating.
because i know that nothing will happen again to what i feel. it's 99.9% impossible for him to see me for who i am and appreciate it. because he's of "a different kind" and of "a different level". because i'm not the socialite type of girl. because i don't wear skinny jeans and make-up, and iron-twirl my hair. because i can never be his type. and i never will be. i refuse to change for cause of love.
so frustrating. *cry*
im always affected whenever my crush (whoever it may be at that time) is somewhere near. im always affected in a way that makes me feel hopeless and happy and dumped and paralyzed, all at the same time. it's like i'm there, and all i need to do is flirt, but i can't because that's my system. i DON'T flirt. so what happens? i can only watch him. him with the impeccable smile.
so frustrating.
because i know that nothing will happen again to what i feel. it's 99.9% impossible for him to see me for who i am and appreciate it. because he's of "a different kind" and of "a different level". because i'm not the socialite type of girl. because i don't wear skinny jeans and make-up, and iron-twirl my hair. because i can never be his type. and i never will be. i refuse to change for cause of love.
so frustrating. *cry*
20080905
Caleruega getaway done
just got home from Caleruega. twas a nice trip, 3 days 2 nights. fun and spooky. love the spooks. hahaha.
but... i am getting pissed off at HIM. that stupid, immature, opportunistic, commanding little nuthead. gago talaga yun. i hope he becomes more conscious of his actions and of other people's feelings.
and then, the other guy, who actually "usually" isn't my type... i am suddenly appreciating him. he's really nice and handsome (no, he's not the type you call "cute".... grr... stupid fangirls.) right now, i think i just appreciate who he is. im not sure if he's already my crush coz i.. i don't know, he just isn't yet. i don't know if he will become my crush. but i kind of miss seeing him. oh well. let's see what happens. (then again, maybe it's because we now talk, unlike before when we didn't.)
but... i am getting pissed off at HIM. that stupid, immature, opportunistic, commanding little nuthead. gago talaga yun. i hope he becomes more conscious of his actions and of other people's feelings.
and then, the other guy, who actually "usually" isn't my type... i am suddenly appreciating him. he's really nice and handsome (no, he's not the type you call "cute".... grr... stupid fangirls.) right now, i think i just appreciate who he is. im not sure if he's already my crush coz i.. i don't know, he just isn't yet. i don't know if he will become my crush. but i kind of miss seeing him. oh well. let's see what happens. (then again, maybe it's because we now talk, unlike before when we didn't.)
20080730
i want to be free
mahirap maging peke. mahirap din maging sinungaling. pero mas mahirap yung di mo alam kung me kasalanan ka o wala pero nakokonsyensya ka parin. so eto nalang at isusulat ko lahat ng nakakabagabag sakin.
nung birthday party mo AUDREY di ako makapunta dahil, oo, sayang sa oras. ang course ko hindi natututunan at hindi binabasa o sinusulat. i need lots of time for it because painting consumes tons of time, esp. when it's on a canvas board at least 16"x20" in size. so, no, di ako nagsisinungaling nun. at di ako nun nagkamali ng pagsalita. nagkamali lang ako na nasabi ko yun sa mama mo at baka isipan nya ng mali yung ibig kong sabihin. so SORRY.
yung mga barka-barkada eklatan nung high school AUDREY at MEL at BARKADA NI PAMELA, nung mga oras na nagtatawagan tayo ng "ahas" sa likod ng isa't-isa at nagngingitian sa harap, nung mga oras na yon wala talaga akong kaaway. bakit? eh ganon eh. wala talaga kong mahanap na kaaway. kung tinuturing nyo akong isang ahas o traydor o balimbing o ano pa man, sige tatanggapin ko, pero para sakin hindi nun ibigsabihin na kakampi-slash-kaaway ang state ko sa iba't ibang grupo. and ibigsabihin nun sakin eh binabalimbing ko ang sarili ko. bakit ako tatawag ng ahas sa isang tao kung di ko naman sya kaaway? at wala nga akong kaaway, so sinong pwedeng maging ahas? di ko naman sinasabi na wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakasakit sakin lalo ka na JI-HAE pero madali naman ako makalimot at magpatawad. hindi ako mahilig mag name-call. so SORRY sa lahat ng nasaksak ko sa likod ng tinidor, este balisawsaw. ay mali balisong pala.
dun naman kay MARGARETTE (sorry di ko maalala kung pano ispell yung pangalan mo), oo may galit pa ako. bakit? biruin mo, ikaw yung unang nagsabi na PEKE AKO, at sa mali pang pagkakataon. alam ko meron akong grade na binago dati, di ko pa yun nakakalimutan, pero yung script na yon at yung bow pagkatapos ng presentation gawa ko yun, sariling gawa, kasama si brylle. tapos tatawagin mong PEKE?? anong KARAPATAN mo? may pa "megz" "megz" ka pang nalalaman eh nanay mo lang naman ang namimilit na ganyan ang itawag sayo. SORRY ha pero masama talaga loob ko hanggang ngayon. pero wag ka mag-alala di ako yung tipong nananabunot para mang-eskandalo.
dun naman sa binura ko daw yung spelling ko (para ata sa salitang gobernador, "v" daw nilagay ko instead of "b"), i don't ever remember kung binura ko nga yon, although i'm SURE that i can IMAGINE doing something like that. bakit? di ko alam. siguro dahil narin sa nagdududa narin ako sa sarili ko kung binura ko ba yun o hinde. may ilang beses din akong sumubok mandaya ng grade dahil mataas ang expectation ng mga magulang ko sakin, pero kung ako lang, di ko gagawing mandaya.
all these years i learned to face things as they are, then think up a solution to solve them if they are considered to be "problems". all these years i also learned to accept people as they are: get near if you click, go far if you don't. simple as that. bakit? kasi pag kinalaban mo yung ganong gawain ang una mo naring ginagawa eh tinatraydor mo ang sarili mo. and i resent doing it, making an enemy of myself during high school just to gain friends. i didn't need to do that. i just though i was alone. but now i'm not. and even if my past is bittersweet, i still won't regret living it up, because my past has made me better now, and will make me the best in the future.
nung birthday party mo AUDREY di ako makapunta dahil, oo, sayang sa oras. ang course ko hindi natututunan at hindi binabasa o sinusulat. i need lots of time for it because painting consumes tons of time, esp. when it's on a canvas board at least 16"x20" in size. so, no, di ako nagsisinungaling nun. at di ako nun nagkamali ng pagsalita. nagkamali lang ako na nasabi ko yun sa mama mo at baka isipan nya ng mali yung ibig kong sabihin. so SORRY.
yung mga barka-barkada eklatan nung high school AUDREY at MEL at BARKADA NI PAMELA, nung mga oras na nagtatawagan tayo ng "ahas" sa likod ng isa't-isa at nagngingitian sa harap, nung mga oras na yon wala talaga akong kaaway. bakit? eh ganon eh. wala talaga kong mahanap na kaaway. kung tinuturing nyo akong isang ahas o traydor o balimbing o ano pa man, sige tatanggapin ko, pero para sakin hindi nun ibigsabihin na kakampi-slash-kaaway ang state ko sa iba't ibang grupo. and ibigsabihin nun sakin eh binabalimbing ko ang sarili ko. bakit ako tatawag ng ahas sa isang tao kung di ko naman sya kaaway? at wala nga akong kaaway, so sinong pwedeng maging ahas? di ko naman sinasabi na wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakasakit sakin lalo ka na JI-HAE pero madali naman ako makalimot at magpatawad. hindi ako mahilig mag name-call. so SORRY sa lahat ng nasaksak ko sa likod ng tinidor, este balisawsaw. ay mali balisong pala.
dun naman kay MARGARETTE (sorry di ko maalala kung pano ispell yung pangalan mo), oo may galit pa ako. bakit? biruin mo, ikaw yung unang nagsabi na PEKE AKO, at sa mali pang pagkakataon. alam ko meron akong grade na binago dati, di ko pa yun nakakalimutan, pero yung script na yon at yung bow pagkatapos ng presentation gawa ko yun, sariling gawa, kasama si brylle. tapos tatawagin mong PEKE?? anong KARAPATAN mo? may pa "megz" "megz" ka pang nalalaman eh nanay mo lang naman ang namimilit na ganyan ang itawag sayo. SORRY ha pero masama talaga loob ko hanggang ngayon. pero wag ka mag-alala di ako yung tipong nananabunot para mang-eskandalo.
dun naman sa binura ko daw yung spelling ko (para ata sa salitang gobernador, "v" daw nilagay ko instead of "b"), i don't ever remember kung binura ko nga yon, although i'm SURE that i can IMAGINE doing something like that. bakit? di ko alam. siguro dahil narin sa nagdududa narin ako sa sarili ko kung binura ko ba yun o hinde. may ilang beses din akong sumubok mandaya ng grade dahil mataas ang expectation ng mga magulang ko sakin, pero kung ako lang, di ko gagawing mandaya.
all these years i learned to face things as they are, then think up a solution to solve them if they are considered to be "problems". all these years i also learned to accept people as they are: get near if you click, go far if you don't. simple as that. bakit? kasi pag kinalaban mo yung ganong gawain ang una mo naring ginagawa eh tinatraydor mo ang sarili mo. and i resent doing it, making an enemy of myself during high school just to gain friends. i didn't need to do that. i just though i was alone. but now i'm not. and even if my past is bittersweet, i still won't regret living it up, because my past has made me better now, and will make me the best in the future.
20080713
nakita ko at nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kaunting inggit at mas malaking lungkot. syempre naman wala akong binatbat sa kasama nya. nainggit ako dahil close sila. pero mas nalungkot ako, knowing that i have no chance at all, kahit katiting. alam kong hanggang tingin nalang ako. hanggang masid lang. hanggang sa may tumayo na sa pinapangarap kong lugar o kalagayan, masid parin ang kaya kong gawin at wala nang iba. hindi ba, nakakapanghinayang? nakikita mo pero wala kang magawa. may nakikita kang natutuwa at may lakas kang magpasaya ng iba, pero ang sarili mo, hanggang kalungkutan lang ang naaabot. hay. miserable nga naman talaga ang buhay.
manhid. manhid ka, kaya magpapamanhid nalang din ako.
manhid. manhid ka, kaya magpapamanhid nalang din ako.
as written on 06.13.08:
I'm tired of life. Why endure so much pain? To learn? What do you learn from suffering? [We probably have a 90% chance of learning about vengeance, and a 10% chance of learning about the virtue of perseverance.] Nothing. Nothing good. It's useless. Things come as they would, and they will, no matter what you do. All we need is trust/faith in things to come, and resourcefulness to accept these things, to go through them with heads whether up or down. But nobody realizes these things. Nobody sees what is there, only what they want to see.
I'm tired of life. Why endure so much pain? To learn? What do you learn from suffering? [We probably have a 90% chance of learning about vengeance, and a 10% chance of learning about the virtue of perseverance.] Nothing. Nothing good. It's useless. Things come as they would, and they will, no matter what you do. All we need is trust/faith in things to come, and resourcefulness to accept these things, to go through them with heads whether up or down. But nobody realizes these things. Nobody sees what is there, only what they want to see.
20080509
i fall so easily a smile would send me across the world's diameter.
another one. stalk stalk stalk. my bad.
i don't feel any signals. it's just me. i hope this passes easily, but seeing as im writing about it now, i don't think it will.
smile for me. it'll make my day much better and happier.
ooh. you got my number. hahahaha. from whom... must be from Juggernaut (with the half-pony). bad me hahaha. hope it gets used more than just for temporary educational lapses.
ah. love. makes the world move 'round. stupid is whoever that says love makes the world GO round. (edit: ok im wrong. my statement is the STUPID one. sorry.)
it's all love and water. and the push or pull that makes everything move.
it's always like this. nothing will come out of... this. maybe NOBODY listens to me anyway. i might be destined to be an old maid/hopeless romantic. not like i have a problem with that :)
another one. stalk stalk stalk. my bad.
i don't feel any signals. it's just me. i hope this passes easily, but seeing as im writing about it now, i don't think it will.
smile for me. it'll make my day much better and happier.
ooh. you got my number. hahahaha. from whom... must be from Juggernaut (with the half-pony). bad me hahaha. hope it gets used more than just for temporary educational lapses.
ah. love. makes the world move 'round. stupid is whoever that says love makes the world GO round. (edit: ok im wrong. my statement is the STUPID one. sorry.)
it's all love and water. and the push or pull that makes everything move.
it's always like this. nothing will come out of... this. maybe NOBODY listens to me anyway. i might be destined to be an old maid/hopeless romantic. not like i have a problem with that :)
20080224
what have i done?
ever since i came to CFAD, i could already feel the pressure of being the only one in my whole family to do so. and the pressure is, i say, immense. my mother's family mostly work for banks, or take up CPA or accounting, or take other courses but end up in banks and law offices anyway. my dad's side, they studied in xavier and lasalle. i think it was only in my generation that some studied in ust, mostly taking up business- or science- or engineering-related courses. i have a cousin there who studied fine arts but left after 1 year. so, i'm the only one who actually took this course seriously, and who would like to graduate with a BS Fine Arts Major in Advertising Arts. and given the chance, i'd like to have a masteral degree, and a second major (if in the phils, maybe psychology; if in another country, i'd love criminology or aeronautics or archeology... such dreams...) so, to conclude everything, these people have successful money-laden lives, while i'm still trotting the trot and i can't even see the road before me.
and now that i'm starting to actually fulfill my dreams (not to mention that i'm already in my third year in this course), i'm getting all sissy. i'm scared that i might not fulfill the expectations they have for me, which might result in something like rejection. i'm scared that i won't pass this course, which makes me a friggin failure. i'm scared that they would think that i'm wasting the efforts of my already geriatric parents, and that would make me look like an ingrata. i'm scared because i have some nephews who call themselves "frustrated artists", and it might seem that i was given the chance but did not cherish it, and it should have been theirs.
i feel like backing out. i'm scared. i'm so f***ing scared right now.
and now that i'm starting to actually fulfill my dreams (not to mention that i'm already in my third year in this course), i'm getting all sissy. i'm scared that i might not fulfill the expectations they have for me, which might result in something like rejection. i'm scared that i won't pass this course, which makes me a friggin failure. i'm scared that they would think that i'm wasting the efforts of my already geriatric parents, and that would make me look like an ingrata. i'm scared because i have some nephews who call themselves "frustrated artists", and it might seem that i was given the chance but did not cherish it, and it should have been theirs.
i feel like backing out. i'm scared. i'm so f***ing scared right now.
you must be bored nutless right now.
unless a person learns to accept everything as it is, he/she will always be in hell.
20080130
20080123
mundus incognita
i always feel as if i need to change to be accepted. as if i have to make efforts for people to include me in what they do, or at least to make me their friend.
it's like an innate response to neglect. i don't want to change, i don't want to be what they want me to be, and yet it comes to my head to do so.
i'm trying my hardest to keep from being like that. i don't want people to see me as someones else, then later on put me off just because i'm showing my real side. being accepted NEEDS to be effortless. there is a difference between being a friend and belonging.
what use is it to be branded as a social butterfly when you can't keep the brand anyway? or... not necessarily a social butterfly, even just being branded as belonging to a certain group.
i mean... it's like you're a cow, and you'd have to belong to a certain clan to be "branded" and singed with hot iron. i don't see the benefit at all. what, that you'd be protected from the pack of wolves? no. the farmer gets to keep himself safe while you see your group mates being eaten by the wolves, and wonder when your time to be eaten will come. add to that, you don't really have the feelings of companionship and brotherhood for the group, only for yourself. so.. do you mourn? no you don't. you'll probably only mourn after you've been bitten.
it's like an innate response to neglect. i don't want to change, i don't want to be what they want me to be, and yet it comes to my head to do so.
i'm trying my hardest to keep from being like that. i don't want people to see me as someones else, then later on put me off just because i'm showing my real side. being accepted NEEDS to be effortless. there is a difference between being a friend and belonging.
what use is it to be branded as a social butterfly when you can't keep the brand anyway? or... not necessarily a social butterfly, even just being branded as belonging to a certain group.
i mean... it's like you're a cow, and you'd have to belong to a certain clan to be "branded" and singed with hot iron. i don't see the benefit at all. what, that you'd be protected from the pack of wolves? no. the farmer gets to keep himself safe while you see your group mates being eaten by the wolves, and wonder when your time to be eaten will come. add to that, you don't really have the feelings of companionship and brotherhood for the group, only for yourself. so.. do you mourn? no you don't. you'll probably only mourn after you've been bitten.
20080121
it's been almost a week now. maybe two.
how do you describe feelings? how do you describe the innocent happiness and exultation that one feels after seeing someone who he/she wishes to know more?
what if i was only looking for a brother, but my eyesight is veiled by the idea of love? what if i only deserved a guardian, not a loved one?
it's not actually a question of what if. it's a question of discernment. how can i distinguish between love and the need for a mentor?
i have been acting like a stalker these past few days. i have seen a lot of... activity. he is everywhere. he is a link that binds a group to another group, a sort of bridge that has mediating and equalizing abilities.
how should i resist? it is charm. it is charm that i know has more a chance of downfall than a chance of success.
i am a girl. partly woman. i know how to love. but i still don't know when to stop loving.
how do you describe feelings? how do you describe the innocent happiness and exultation that one feels after seeing someone who he/she wishes to know more?
what if i was only looking for a brother, but my eyesight is veiled by the idea of love? what if i only deserved a guardian, not a loved one?
it's not actually a question of what if. it's a question of discernment. how can i distinguish between love and the need for a mentor?
i have been acting like a stalker these past few days. i have seen a lot of... activity. he is everywhere. he is a link that binds a group to another group, a sort of bridge that has mediating and equalizing abilities.
how should i resist? it is charm. it is charm that i know has more a chance of downfall than a chance of success.
i am a girl. partly woman. i know how to love. but i still don't know when to stop loving.
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