Dreamed of you. Projecting too, i guess.

I kind of wanna hear from you but im also pretty sure i won't
So
I dunno
It's like... reliving a heartbreak
Every season

Maybe some day someone will see my worth.
But maybe i won't be there to receive it anymore.
False, one-sided hopes stemming from desperation.

Maybe this blog should end now, since there's nothing to put in it anyway.
Maybe things are at their peak already in my life. Maybe it's better to just be this way, seeing how i am right now. Maybe i wouldn't be able to handle anything more.
My life looks like repeating segments, days, and they only change during important, uncontrollable circumstances. But not when i want them to. Not when i will them to. If i even get to will them.
I'm just tired of fighting. Of feeling bad and angry over everything. Of feeling left out by my own self, my own ideas. Of feeling like nothing's happening with my life. Maybe that's just what it's ever going to be.

I think i like you because my immediate first impression is you are a gentle, quiet soul with decency. The way you answered questions clearly and explained patiently, and did your job in a not-lazy manner (i don't know what it's called, but i could see that you weren't doing the job just for the sake of doing it / barely the minimum). I don't know if it's plain training but i think there's at least some actual character in there. And finding you, you really do seem a decent guy. At least from what i can check. And you're also cute. I don't know how people see you, but i'm proud that you're working a job where you have to meet people face to face, knowing they could easily insult or throw jokes at you. That was my instant interpretation too, which made me think that "that" is cute rather than odd. It became a quirk rather than a hindrance. I appreciate that very much. Yeah, i think you're okay. And um.. i think i'm further down that line. Nothing exceptional, or to be proud of. So... yeah. I guess i admire you for that, and in comparison.

I can't do anything about it. Jfc. I just hope the antibiotic starts taking effect soon. And the fucking hiccups go away because WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU??!?? IM SO FUCKING ANGRY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING

I want to go..

Just a short moment of sanity

I dreamed of you again. But i think it’s because of that prince charming person in the video lol, with the nice but fake teeth. Which my brain gave to you. Bollocks.

Im just so tired.

Wish there was someone i could run and cry to without feeling like a weakling.

Having body pains myself. And at a time when i can’t afford to have em.

Feels like im in some sorta mental state. A manic… emotion. I have to stop myself from being too impulsive because the tendency and anxiety is definitely there, like i need to do something / clean / throw away things / induce some sort of order even thru the most illogical means. Im just thankful that part of me can still keep my tendencies in check.

It doesnt feel like there is light at the end of this tunnel. The blackness just keeps getting blacker and blacker. Im tired of worrying and looking out all the time. There are many things i want to try or experience but this darkness keeps hampering everything, bit by bit. Even the simplest joys are starting to get out of reach..

I want to get out of this stupid dream..

It’s empty when there’s nothing to do.

Like a neverending void i continuously fall in.

It’s not nice or good, i can say that much…

i just want to reclaim my life.

Hope youre ok and doing ok.. i miss you so much. Take care of yourself. Youre probably busy making sure the family is ok. Just dont forget yourself.

I just miss you, is all. My eyes are closing, goodnight.

MIA 🙁
IMY...

Hope you're ok. And your fam. Haven't felt your presence for ages.

I feel like she thinks i'm competition. I think we're just on different planes, so why compete? I can't be her and she can't be me. It's just annoying having to feel that animosity hidden in fake friendliness.