my feelings seem to come in waves. but lately, i've been wanting it to disappear. like really wanting it to, having 2 voices in my head, 1 still hoping and 1 commanding it to shut up. this last voice, it's trying to make me hardheaded and determined to stop missing you.


and it's working pretty well, i think.

but it also helps that you're not being "there". your presence isn't being felt. it's helping to psych me that there is nothing to wait for.



but i think that, with this... process of forgetting, i might also became hateful. hateful towards you. hateful towards others.



i don't know if that's a good thing or not lol. but... i'm also quite tired of... running after people. waiting on people. i'll probably grow old alone haha. or just be alone, not necessarily grow old.



i don't like it when people wait on me. i don't like to butt into people's lives, schedules, work rhythms. i feel like i'm violating their personal sense of value. i take small efforts seriously, and i do the same to other people.



i sometimes wish that there would be someone willing to waste effort on me. just being there, it's actually more than enough. i don't know if i'm asking for too much, that that wish would be coming specifically from me. but... but maybe it is a lot to ask, especially from someone whose hands are filled with their own life...