i wonder what it would take for me to confess to you.

i'm not seeing any kind of mutuality in this. so i don't really see any motivation to confess...

i know that i should have been over you, like, months ago. many months. it's been a year and +-5months now.

i wish it was easy to tell you how much i like you. how much i worry about you when you don't seem well. or when you're absent. i wish it was a normal thing to do. an everyday thing.

i want to be there for you, but i don't know how, and i don't know what my place is with you.

i still treasure the little times that you actually see me being there. being opaque and alive. i still appreciate that time when you asked me if anyone will be taking me to that birthday dinner. i don't know if the ice cream was for me or if it was just pure coincidence. when you offered ointment while i felt woozy at work. i also don't know how it happened that you got a flat tire near my house, when i don't think you would normally pass that route. were you really on the way to get me? maybe? pretty big chance that's a yes, but i still don't want to believe it.

i'm very, very unsure about a lot of things.

i want it to come from you clearly and directly. i want a clear declaration.
i do appreciate everything, IF everything actually was done to tell me something. IF. but yeah, IF. i will never be sure of this. i will always be scared with things like this. i want you, and i like you a lot, but i don't want another shot at rejection. i'm not good at dealing with these things.

if only things like this were so easy to share...