I miss you.

Jfc i miss you and i miss that little warm contact way way back.

MK Ultra.

It's like looking at a mirror and seeing the beauty and the flaws, but feeling that the reflected beauty is just superficial and not yours, and the reflected flaws are fully and truly yours, and that you are passing them off to the beautiful reflection that is not you...

I can almost see what you're doing, how you think, what you feel, how you decide on things. I can almost see what is happening in your life, except that difference are differences, and you cannot manipulate these differences into similarities, as that would mean fooling yourself into believing something not true.

But what if I'm right...? What if in 20 years time, I would be mirroring your actions?

It's kinda scary, kinda fascinating, outright outrageous. I want to see confirmations or negations. I want to see some black and white. All I've been basing upon are grays, and if this gray cloud suddenly opens up, I am definitely going to fall and crack.

It's so frustrating that i cannot reach you...

it would break my heart...



but i will also have to learn to understand your situation and how we are connected, and learn not to expect too much.



it would still break my heart though. hahaha. foolish me.



i do sincerely hope that she fully recovers though. if not for her, then for you to not worry anymore.

I sometimes feel like something's wrong with my brain.
My reactions are almost always so... out of it.

But anyway, you always catch me off guard.

I think I also love you for it.

I just miss you. So much.

And it will probably be another ordinary day on my birthday haha. I'm only really waiting for you...

Whatever the hell did i get myself into.

I am now only ever waiting for you.

I don't want to be like this anymore. Because it's not gonna happen. Which means that i'm just fooling myself.

I want this to end now, no matter how much i want to know you... :(

Secret lives~ secret lives~ how many secret lives do you have? Hmm? Who are you always texting? Who is making you happy?

I'm jealous. I'm jealous, in the sense that it's not me, and that i'm not experiencing the same (or more) joy and contentment in my life, not necessarily involving you.

I guess that's what makes you replaceable. It's that i cannot grasp your existence, and you prefer to keep it that way. At the same time, i can live without you. I can become hopelessly curious about your life, but it doesnt mean that i will keep on exhausting myself with finding out. I will try, and try and try, but you can't find something that hides on purpose.

Is it time to wake up?

I'm feeling the loneliness creep in again. What is life.

Can i see my future with you?

The thing is that... i do not perceive much of a future myself. Im seriously wanting of death by the age of 27. That number of years has made a mark on me. I cannot see much future ahead of my 27 years.

But i would love to spend my remaining days by your side. If youd permit it. Although i honestly dont know how that would turn out.

I wasnt dreaming, was i?
I saw your flushed cheeks. I swear.
This is the 2nd time actually.
I dont think you're that weak to blush from bowing down.

.....

Hell. I dont know what to make of this.
So much electricity.

Being blissfully caught unawares.

No.
I...
I'd like you to surprise me.

Something warmhearted. Sweet.
I'd appreciate anything, I think.

Actually, scratch all that. Not like it would happen. Just you being there is enough. Getting to talk to you would be a bonus. Like today. Hehe. That made my day. Really. Even though it's not personal or anything. Just that I could be of service to you, and you giving me that chance. I'm happy. Although, derp again. Lol. But whatever. As long as I can help you. It's a nice feeling.

During these times, you realize that you need other people to be with you. These times when someone actually is there but you still feel alone.
I'm seeing a lot of current and recent posts lately that deals with the love between siblings. I'll be honest. I feel kinda jealous. I feel envious. I can imagine how talks between sibs would be like. All practical or tough love or real or all of the stated, and yet you can feel that it is peppered with love and concern. I don't get that. I never experience that anymore. It's been like that for a while now and it's gotten pretty tiring, having to do everything and deal with eveything on your own. I mean yeah, my mum's gonna go call up the dentist tomorrow to set an appointment for me. But... I'm not exactly saying that I'm not contented, but... I'm looking for some sort of human connection. It is missing in this house. I'm just so tired. Like right now, I'm sure my mum can see how distressed I am about my teeth. But I somehow can't directly tell her about my worries and fears, my personal burden, the idea of losing teeth at this age, the embarassment, shame of it, how it totally changes your image, etc. Shit like that. I don't know who to open up to. I've shared my intense feelings of horror with my friends but I can't exactly translate it to its proper intensity, which if I had siblings, they'd prolly immediately understand me.
Again, I'm not sure if I'm saying that it's not enough, or if I'm just wishfully thinking of things... hoping... wanting too much. All I'm sure about is that I feel very alone.

JE. SUS. CHRIST.

JUST LOOK AT THIS BLOG, OKAY??
LOOK AT HOW STUPID I CAN BECOME.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

it's hard to contain feelings.
BUT I CANNOT TELL YOU ANYTHING.
BECAUSE.
BECAUSE
it would shortcircuit everything
it would cut everything off
it would break what is remaining
IT WOULD KILL ME
if that happens
it's a double-edged sword
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
but i do not want you to react
i don't want you to be affected
i don't want you to go further away
progress is nil
but at least you're there
YOU'RE THERE
I CAN SEE YOU
I CAN FEEL YOUR PRESENCE
i don't want you to go away
i don't want you and yours to go away
BUT I CANNOT HAVE YOU
AND IT BREAKS MY HEART

SO. MUCH.

Oh... i also still remember the smell of your clothes. That downy smell hahaha. That was when you were asking me about microsoft office.

I don't know why but... it's hard to look you in the eyes. I'm very shy. I feel like looking at you directly would result in the total unveiling of my secret feelings...

I want you. I so want you.

I love those hands. Those hands are so beautiful. So worked up. Sexy? Yes, though I'm not fully feeling it right now. Does not diminish the beauty though.

Perfect face. Beautiful, even. So childish, so childlike. Yet also mature. So curious. Determined. Precious, precious smile. Not a very photogenic smile, or smile face, but it looks so childlike. So carefree.

Good dresser, albeit rather old -fashioned. I still feel awkward over that polo shirt. That was hot. Would I want you in it? Oh I would. I so would, to the point that I'm not sure I want to see you undressed. I don't want to trespass that point, as it would make me lose all respect for you. That'd be hard to fake. Still, the polo was hot.

Personality... I can't fill this in, besides the feeling that you're rather secretive. Quite awkward too, I think, which is really cute. You have mystery because you don't talk about your personal life. But you talk a lot when you feel like it. You're a sudden burst of energy when you're excited. And you talk lots with her. You probably only talk lots to people you're close to. Which... I'm not. Which will be hard to build up.

I think, maybe you feel contented over your life already. Tired, even. Maybe you're happy with your family already. I mean, you seem close to your siblings. I feel a little jealous actually. Over your closeness with her, and probably with your sibs. I wish I was also in that stage, in that circle. But it's hard to initiate. I don't know how to.

I want to be able to talk with you. Chat, or share stories, or joke around, or share gossip. Haha. That kind of close. That kind of comfort. I want to see you beyond your work desk. I want to see who you are, what you are. I want to see depth. I want to build a character of you in my head. It's scary to think that you could be who you are right now, and nothing else. I don't think, or want to think, of you as one of those rich kids, who know nothing but work and money and travel and their own little nucleus. I hope you're much deeper than that.

I treasure those short times that you ask me things about work. It makes me feel like, even for a short while, you needed my assistance. I might not answer well. I mean, I'm usually just derp when you talk to me. I get disappointed with myself too. Very much so.

I wish I could fully love you. Fully adore you. Help you stay and prod on. Keep you happy and energized. Keep you laughing. I wish I could be there for you when you need someone. I wish I could be of assistance to you. Serve you when you need serving. Give you nice treats to motivate you. Or just simply to make you smile. I wish I could share stories with you. I wish I could tell you how heartsick I am right now. And maybe you would laugh at me, find me silly and childish, but hug me anyway.

I just want to cry at how frustrated and stunted and shy and useless I am. And to you.

This feels like talking to a concrete wall.

Why do you seem to have so much sickness? Or why do you look like you feel frail?

I'm sorry. I just feel concerned. But i can't do anything about it. :|

Jesus Christ get yourself together, ok? Please, at least, for now, mentally strengthen yourself. You're still too young to feel old. You've still got much to learn and places to go to. You still have lots of pictures to take. Don't just accept the blows. Fight it, for chrissakes.

I will never want to see you on a hospital bed. I just cannot accept it right now, that imagery. You're gonna live your life well, ok? Life might be boring but it's better than nothing at all.

And really, if you just suddenly collapse or something, it is so gonna send me to desperation. Anxiety. Panic. Jfc.