ganun lang yun. ganun nga lang. hahaha. asa pa ko XD

asa pa ko T_T

hapi new year.

TANGINA NAGPARAMDAM NGA! HAHAHAHAHA XD

kaso maling paramdam

TT_TT

tae talaga. haha.

di ko alam kung dapat kitang tawaging manhid. amp.

oo binura ko dati yung sinulat ko, kala ko kasi nagkamali nanaman ako ng hinulugan. di ko padin actually alam kung tama, pero at least nakikita kong mukang di naman mali at di naman masama at di naman ata masakit ang bagsak.

so far ganun.

TAKTE MAGPARAMDAM KA NAMAN!

nakaka-depress at nakakasira pala ng bait ang pagka-miss sa isang tao. hahaha.

mas mabuti pa pala yung pakiramdam na may gusto ka sa isang tao pero di nya alam, tapos anjan ka lang, tumitingin ka lang sa kanya minsan. natutuwa pag anjan sya. maiinggit konti pag may iba syang kasama. mas mabuti pala yung ganyan, kasi kumbaga sa 100% sure, siguro 10% lang ang chance na maging kayo nga, or kahit mapansin ka nya.

e kung nauna kang mapansin, tapos tumagal, tapos finally pakiramdam mo kaya mo nang suklian, tapos biglang POOF nawala sya, ayun. SAKIT DONG. pakiramdam mo lahat ng tumitingin sayo nandidiri sayo o pinagtatawanan ka. kasi, yun ngang nagkagusto sayo iniiwasan ka na e. at malay mo ba kung niloloko ka lang pala nya diba? SAPUL 'BAY, SAPUL.

hay hay hay. anader witdrowal sindrom. ni di ko alam kung babalik ka ba o hinde.

juskolord. kelangan ko ata ng maiiyakan ngayon. sana may mga extra kaming babasaging plato dito, at nang makapatay nga ng ilang kriminal jan sa tabi tabi. the plate bonker vigilante. oha. may kasamang emo side story.

i think i was mistaken. hmm.

i hope i am. because i'm losing much hope about this.

miss u much T_T
but hope u get well first before anything else.

because it hurts when you are rejected and you learn about it on your own.

hehe.

another one on my list.

confessions of a broken heart?

drama amp. haha.

i keep waiting but it never came.

shiiiiit i suddenly forgot everything about you that im disappointed at. hay.

i have just decided that you weren't the right person to have given that compliment.

di ka nga nanloko di ka naman committed. oh well. haha.

a little realization just hit me.

IF you did read my posts, i'd just want you to know that i don't two-time. it's very much against my principles.

you were always welcome, and i don't collect suitors (para namang marami e wala nga). so there. just clearing that up.

napapraning nanaman ako. hay. sad.

feeling so emotionally drained.

traydor? wow. ayos.

:(

why is it darn hard for women to confess? and what the heck do i have to look for to confess?

i think ...

can't even type it. but i was happy thinking about it.

FVCK

what's keeping me from talking anyway?

hell. i miss you. i really do. hope you get well soon :(

looking back, that was stupid. heck.

dreamt of being drunk o_O

just realized that maybe, on my dying seconds, i'll miss everyone. haha.

amf senti ko.

*****

im just not happy. T_T

i don't know what i feel o_O

oh crap.

i keep waiting for you, do you know that? i keep waiting and waiting and suddenly you're gone.

i'm afraid to be left alone in a snap, while in the middle of something, and not being told that i'll be alone for long, maybe forever.

(crap. i'm blogging again. this means something...)

i wish that if you're just playing with how i feel, that you'd tell me outright. so i won't hold on to anything. i don't want to do that again. it's terrifying, the consequences. traumatic even. and it's altogether sad.

i might be silent, but it doesn't mean that my mind doesn't notice anything or that i don't feel anything. i have a problem with expression. not a problem, just an incapacity. it's not my nature to speak out loud. but it's my nature to care and worry. it's my nature to be concerned. it's my nature to love unconditionally.

i hope to turn my nature into a gift, not a curse. please help me. or even don't. but please don't degrade me. please don't make me shed tears for the same reason again and again. i don't want to feel that anymore.

you only really fall in love once in your life? WHATTHEFUCK. WRONG.

or maybe i haven't seen mine yet. hahaha. if there is :/

i = confused.

gaaaah.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

goodness i'm confused. i'm so stupid when it comes to this.

can you really accept me for who i am? because i feel you do, but i also feel that it's just temporary.

why do i care anyway o_O

MALIIIII!!! HAHAHAHAH XDDDD

i met the biggest living contradiction and i had no idea until now. hahahahaha XDDD JESUSCHRIST! that's... HAHAHAHAHHA XDDDD

ROFLMAO

i don't feel you anymore.

and i went "i'll be" with you. only to learn that you're lying to me.

you're the best darned liar i've ever met, and you're the worst moron too. hope you go to hell. i knew there was something fishy about you, i just don't know when to trust my intuition.

this is the first i've heard. and it's already broken your mirror. so what's next?

i don't know why i'm so angry but i just sooooo want to yell at you right now and tell you BASTARD!

maybe it's because i tried to give my all towards your seemingly save-able situation and towards this seemingly positive-forward friendship. and it all went down the drain. it all went down the drain because YOU, FUCKING BASTARD, ARE A LIAR. you piece of crap. now i know why people treat you like you're such an ass. because YOU ARE.

sorry for judging you because of one mistake, but that mistake was a huge one, and it entails you acting like you're busy and changing ways. but no, you weren't. thank God i'm good at befriending, or else i'd be duped all along.

yeah. it's best we cut off contact. i just wish i would succeed in doing just that.

everyone has their own idea of "maturity".

i suppose the best definition would be: to be able to listen to others and accept them, without having to believe in what they believe.

what else...

too much shielding can cause a gap to close up forever. but it also causes much pain, and whatever is will forever be.

hrmm... what else... gathered thoughts...

how would you react if you learned you were one of God's angels, on the note that there are only a few such angel-humans, and suddenly you're one of them?
(angel-humans: in my vocab, these are angels, with all the power and wisdom of an angel, but in the body of a human being. obvious enough?)

else else... if else...

oh. there are people worse than me. lolz.

next concept... hmm...

there are things that just can't be expressed with words, like the feeling of... well i said they can't be expressed with words. what the hell XD

questions questions.

is it stupidity to offer your life as substitute for another person's? or is it heroism?

USER LOSER

too much favors :/

you have got to have one of the most intriguing, confusing, memorable, crazy, undecipherable, rebellious, irresponsible, ballistic, feeble, regrettable, wasted footprint in my life. and i'm definitely not gonna forget that. ever.

what you're doing, i think you're trying to follow my ways.

i want to be angry at you but i can't, because i know that i'm angry out of my own folly.

i wish memory can be erased in a snap. yeah i know what you're probably thinking. haha. (that's if you ever read this post)

i can wait, if that's what you want and if i see that there's something to wait for. i just wish there was. i tried, but you're very much like a little kid. i wish you'd become more adult with your thinking. or maybe you are, but if you are, then i don't know why you did that mistake.


I DON'T WANT ANYONE CONTROLLING MY LIFE. if that is possible.


please help yourself. i said i'm willing to sacrifice. i always am willing. i'm always wanting to help others before me, because i know i'm not worth even a cent to anyone, and others are priceless as compared to me. so i wish to give myself a bit of worth, even temporarily, even if it makes me seem like i'm leading my life on wrong intentions. as long as it helps, i will help. you can use my life as your cre-.. no. not credit card. you have to pay if it was. you can use my life as your emergency exit, even for one time use, as long as i can prove my worth. no strings attached, no payment needed. free for all.


...i just don't see my life's worth. do you understand?


that's why i keep repeating that as much as possible, i don't want to become a hindrance to your life. i don't like that i'm the cause of your one-track mind. i don't want to make you wear those things that horses wear on their eyes. i will keep pushing you away because i think that's best for you. if you come back with an open mind, done with taking in all the consequences that could happen and the effects of your actions and the people who could get involved, then maybe i will accept you wholeheartedly, because i know that you are fully aware of everything and not just pinpointing your eyes on a section of the whole truth. i'm going to give you the sun, if that's all the light you need to see everything, and take that stupid little flashlight from your hands.


i have got to be the most bullheaded person in the world.

i made a wrong decision. now i'm paying for it. haha. bastard me. so stupid. it was a no brainer situation, and it found the right person to test: someone at its level of intelligence.

GODDAMNITTTT.

*right decision to remove this from FB.

should have done as i did with the other person. now i've affected another. f*ck. i wish i had no feelings.

yeah. i don't have brains. thanks for mentioning that.

had you crying again. caught you unguarded.

does love really exist?

it just came to me that when a person is normal, s/he experiences "love" when s/he feels happy around someone, and would probably like to keep that someone to her/himself to the end of her/his life, because that someone makes her/himself happy. and when that someone is gone, the person is sad.

but there are people who are not normal, and have totally no emotions about anything. they're labeled as having "anxiety". what is this state then? does it also erase love? i suppose it doesn't. and the sufferer would probably still confide his/her experience to someone s/he is close to or comfortable with. and when that someone is gone, s/he will also feel sad.

so is that also called love? how do you quantify love? when does it start and where does it end? how do you choose when there are two people you share this feeling with (doesn't it also end to who has better futures/more possessions?) ?

so, how does love exist? might it just be a sort of comfort zone?

giving it all away?
too scared of the consequences.

helping is a different issue.

not ready yet. and maybe never.

when can someone understand that a person's decision is essential to the person's life? no matter how small it may be, it might still be a crucial turn, one that could help the person jump that big crevice of insecurity, uncertainty or unwanted action.

i'm getting quite tired of having to cut my thoughts in half as to the real intentions of the neon remote control. and i don't want anyone interfering with my life just because they wish to be close. i don't give permission on grounds of who you are, but on how i see you to be.

and it just so happens that my brain can magnify concepts taken from my observation. if the glass points to you, let's see how the dice speaks. so far, it's been pointing at you and the sun's been helping me into toasting you to a char.

i have my own reasons for not wanting to be yours. i cannot put words to them. i rely on my instinct very much (and personal appearance has an effect, sad to say; how worldly of me) and you don't stand out just as much as the others did. but the others failed, or more like i failed on them. i'm as maria clara as women can get, and i'm happy enough to have company and nothing more. i don't know if you will be, but you're definitely not yet the first.

i guess i took a piece of his image with me. and i think it's ok. but the experience has blotted my brain, and nothing can cleanse it.

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

why the hell am i sorry

i feel bad for what i did
i feel like im tricking someone
like im being a con-artist
and trying to be helpful but not in that situation is an insult to injury
am i obliged to be perfect and supportive? because i don't think i can do that for long. i need that myself. can someone be my pillow/diary/handkerchief/lamp post/pet?
i'm being so selfish again T_T

sorry for going with your whims and not being able to support my decision. and sorry for not being honest with you.

i thought it was help. apparently it wasn't.

alam ko na kung ano kelangan mo. kelangan mo ng kausap at taga-payo. siguro kelangan mo rin ng kaibigan na pwedeng pagsabihan ng lahat ng bagay na naiisip mo. kelangan mo ng tao na makikinig at magkekwento. gusto mo may natututunan ka sa taong yun. para kang bata na naghahanap ng magulang. kelangan mo ng guidance, yung taong tutulong sayong tawirin ang buhay at ikukulong ka kung kelangan kang ikulong. gusto mo may taong mag-aalaga sayo o mag-aalala sayo. palakaibigan ka pero pili lang siguro yung napagsasabihan mo talaga ng mga isyu mo sa buhay.

gusto mo din, yung taong yun, tanggap ka kung sino ka. dapat marunong syang mag-isip para sa sarili nya, para sayo, at para sa inyong dalawa. dapat kaya nyang makisabay sayo at meron syang maipiprisintang bagong mundo sayo, kasi naghahanap ka rin ng mga bagong bagay na matututunan. gusto mo yung taong yun bukas ang pag-iisip, iba ang paniniwala at iba ang nalalaman. kaparehas mo pero kakaiba din. di kelangang matalino, basta maalam sa buhay. yung papayag syang utusan mo, pero payag ka ring utusan nya. gusto mo, kung pwede, lahat ng bagay maranasan nyo ng sabay, o kahit hindi sabay, basta maranasan man lang.

gusto mo malalim ang pang-unawa ng taong yun kasi pakiramdam mo mas malalim ang katauhan mo kumpara sa iba. bukas naman ang libro ng buhay mo sa kahit kanino, pero mas may mababasa yung taong yun, dahil pinapabasa mo at dahil marunong syang bumasa. hindi mo kasundo pag hindi marunong sumabay sa alon mo. hindi ka takot na mas magaling sya sayo, bagkus sya ang magiging ambisyon na gugustuhin mong abutin.

ang dapat sayo ay isang taong magsisilbing ilaw sa dilim na nilalakaran mo. o mapa para sa pupuntahan mo. kelangan mo ng direksyon sa buhay. marami kang alam pero di mo magamit kasi takot ka. pag nagkamali, nade-depress. idadaan mo ang mga bagay bagay sa tawanan hanggang sa di mo na kayang kimkimin, saka ka magpaparaya ng lungkot o galit. kaya kelangan mo ng kausap at karamay, para hindi maipon yung sama ng loob.

buhos kung buhos pag nagbibigay ka, pero naghahanap ka rin ng taong ganoon ang trato sayo.

...sino kaya yun...

i think i hurt someone too much.

sawa. pagod. hanap.

tao.

linlang. loko.

alaala. pangako. palya.

lubog.

asam?

hintay.

layo. ligaw. labis. lugmok.

hintay.

life by chances

which do you choose,
that which makes you happy but is wrong?
or that which is right but makes u sad?

when is sacrifice really a sacrifice, and not an indication of stupidity?

how do you define reality in your own terms and based on your life?

what is more important: love or morality?

why will you fight for something that you're not even sure is worth it?

why will you ask for something that you know you'll sadly have to let go anyway?

how monumental is it that it cannot be considered as bound by limits?

is there really more to this consciousness or are we just trying to make things look valuable?

to sum it up:



what and why do you live for?

I. FEEL. BAD.

darnit.

like i'm about to asplode. f*ck i don't even feel like writing it cute.

again.

like i'm about to explode.

i have to TALK to someone.

i have to hear them say that i'm FAULTLESS and what i did was RIGHT.

i have to see the result of my being HARSH.

and it has to be a GOOD result.

or else, too much effort will go to waste.

and i'll probably hurt myself again.

why does my ability to dream the future always fail me in cases like these??

SUX LIKE A LEECH. BIG TIME.

I HATE YOUUUUU. because i have to leave you. left a dratted hole in my heart.

now, to another plug... if there ever is one. hope it's sturdy.

i shouldn't be so affected after all.

normal is normal. eat that dr. house.

i did what i thought was right, and yet it was hurtful.

it was hurtful to lose a close friend. more so because i don't know if the path i pointed him to is the right path.

i don't know if my intentions reached his radar right. it sounds like they didn't.

*****

no one to share with.
keep your problems to yourself.
keep the skeletons in your closet.
do not make them wake up. the only sound you can make is sobbing.
the only solution to your problem is to keep the silence. if possible, keep it forever.
because i am a prisoner in my own brain.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

i just felt like answering every question. found this in mej's post (i think?)

These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

i think i'd be... somewhere 25-30

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

never trying in the case of new things. failing in the case of old mistakes.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

because everyone has stopped recognizing the simple fact that we should prioritize the innate sense of kindness within us.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

i try not to *sigh*

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

to remove selfishness.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

travel photographer, journalist, and to be a volunteer at charity functions and animal shelters.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

trying to do what i believe in.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

i'd be happier all around.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

:'(

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

definitely about doing the right things.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

defend my friend in the most civilized possible way. if it does not deter their opinion, then they become disrespected.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

think before you act.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

yes.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

all the time XD

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

seeing beauty and truth where they see something that should be erased from existence.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

because my happiness may mean their loneliness, which makes me selfish.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

going my own way. a lot of reasons are holding me back. blame it on empathy.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

maybe...

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

i would move to england or france or antarctica. anonymity is a must.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

no. hahaha. it doesn't :)

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

joyful simpleton.

22. Why are you, you?

because i am the result of years of wandering and internalization.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

i... think so.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

losing touch :(

25. What are you most grateful for?

grateful for friends. grateful for beauty. grateful for joan-of-arc's. grateful for people who have not yet forgotten that life is not about making money but about making a difference and reminding others that peace, happiness and contentment is still the ultimate goal.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

never be able to make new ones. well... both.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

sadly, i don't think so. but neither am i sure if God does exist.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

our greatest fear only comes at the time that it comes. it does not come beforehand. so yes, i have faced my greatest fear many times now.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

in a way, it does. it's part of my foundation as a person now.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

my happiest childhood memory came when i was 12 years old (w/c makes it not exactly a "childhood" memory), and i was left alone to wander around the halls of Star Cruise Virgo. getting lost was great :)

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

when i was stippling my way through my artwork titled "eye point".

32. If not now, then when?

if it will come, it will come.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

i lose control of the chance of failure.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

not yet :(

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

because religions only answer to humanly and worldly needs, which pretty much means physical instincts.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

yes. believe in your intuition and your innate sense of kindness will rule over, teaching you right and wrong.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

i'd quit my job even without winning, if that is what will make me happy.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

work enjoyed is not work. it is play. so my answer is both.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

yes :(

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

when we had the composition plate for making robots :)

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

someone who can't be mentioned, but that my presence might make his/her life feel worthwhile, even just temporarily.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

no.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

being alive is functioning. truly living is when you know what makes you happy and content, and following that knowledge while getting on with life.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

when you are confused and you know that whatever action you take will result in temporarily negative but permanently positive waves.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

we become afraid only when we know that it is a mistake. there's nothing to learn in something you keep repeating. we learn that something is a mistake if we did it and it proves wrong.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

i would plan my life in the riskiest possible way, all the while enjoying and letting others enjoy as well, while not breaking any moral rules.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

everytime i internalize and feel that the sound of my breathing is the only thing that can keep me alive and sane.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

i love love. i love cats. i love people who know how to not step on anyone else just to get to the top. i love non-pretentious people. i love photography. i love to sleep. i love warmth. i love writing. i love the arts. i love beauty. i love kindness. i love vigilantes against abusive behavior.

i love. and i have tried to express this in any way i can, minding that i don't cross out others' opinions.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

i will remember certain things that have enriched me. and i will remember answering this questionnaire :)

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

i am making them myself for myself. i am letting others do it if it involves other lives.

saving the tears for the right time.

being burdened by something that can't be changed by me.

AFFECTED.

if life gives you lemons, get back at life and squeeze the juice on its eyes. then it'll know how f*cked up it makes a person's existence become.

numbness would be a very good gift right now, thank you.

objectivity betrayed by subjectivity. who the heck gave us such contradicting brain waves??

objectivity vs objectivity = subjectivity in its most useless state.

i hate my life.

i hate being born through human blood, and having history as far off as adam impregnated eve. i hate having to be born from a reason. i hate having to take everything to mind before i act. i wish i had no history.

i wish i had nothing to base my life upon, then i'll become the best observer there is.

in exchange for happiness and sadness.

*sigh*

PRANING?

having the same brainwaves.

what am i to do? T_T

i want to disappear. right now. i want to leave everything behind, and not get bothered by the broken strings and sinews. let them heal themselves. it's for their strength.

as for me, i'm done with human emotions and misses and messages and memories that make your face smile but make your heart cry.






not T_T

click click.
no more.

HUUWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

LORD NAMAN BAT PINAHIHIRAPAN MO BUHAY KO??

T_T

di. mali pala. ako nalang ang di sasagot.

shiiiiiiiiiit sabi na nga ba dapat di ko binigay.

AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?? T_T

i can't cry but my heart is... very much troubled. and my conscience is killing me. and i feel like i'm seeing trouble but i can't solve it.

umaandar ang pagka ok-ok ko hahaha.

hay.

yep. the brain works faster than the hand or the mouth.

love can be an endless horizon or a suffocating shackle.

i don't want to hurt anyone.
i feel like Atlas.

i'm cutting off contact, much as i don't wish to. so much for friendship.

all about 17. there's something with 17. it sticks to me.

what's with 17? special number? what do people who love 17 have in common?

what does 17 have to do with 27?

so wrong. i feel guilty even if i didn't do anything.

mali talaga. i'm worried.

it's amazing talking to people from different walks of life. it's almost like i myself am experiencing what they have experienced before.

but there are still some people not comfortable with showing their true colors, for reasons too petty or too unfathomable to another being.

***

i'm talkative? hahaha :D that's new. i suppose i am. only not as much in real life.

***

it's a new beginning for me. and i'm going to start it right by going with what i promised to God and to myself. i will do as i have to, in full heart.

i love you guys. i really do. you've opened a lot of doors for me. it means a lot :)

younger?

oh crap.
i'm all a-flutter now.

NTAN u bastard.

i'm stumped. deepshit.

this is THE gamble.

bless my win.

i can literally feel my heart "flowering" o_O
weird feeling.
oh well. so long as it's joyous.

feeling this.

Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right yet
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

interesting how i'm finding brothers and sisters in communities other than my clan.

besides my ninang's family of course. they are sisters to me.

to be the object of affection.

feels nice. but still depends on who the person is.

feels more flattering if the person is already stuck with someone but still proclaims affection for you.

feels nicer but also feels worse. knowing that you could be the cause of a separation.

a smile replaced by a quicker frown.

a happiness replaced by bitter sadness.

it's true. bittersweet. wanting more but going against it.

sort of like punishing yourself for something that isn't your fault :'(

f*ck heill.

why can't feelings be controlled.

the guy's chained for chrissakes.

crap. i hate it. so much for assuming.

napipikon ako tuwing nakikita ko mukha mo.

kasalanan mong nasira yung imahe mo sakin.

sana di nalang kita nakilala. nakakasira ka ng araw. kung...

actually pwede kita idelete. kaso feeling ko sobrang babaw ko na nun.

wag ka na ulit magpakita.

i miss you.

wow flying away lahat ng buhok ko. hahaha XD

ohwell. goes to show that i'm happy today.

i just realized that i am happy when i'm interacting with people, or even just listening to them talk or reading their conversations.

i'm happy to be surrounded by people who are truly alive.

and it goes to show that i'm not as unreachable as others take me to be.

This is my Winter Song to you
A storm is coming soon
It rolls in from the sea

My love a beacon in the night
My words will be your light
To carry you to me...

Is love alive?

----------

...She better hold him tight,
give him all her love,
look in those beautiful
and know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do...

He's the time taken up,
but there's never enough.
And he's all that I need to fall into.

tired. and missing in action.

also missing in action.

when will you come back?

moron almost had me. sick bastard. i hate him. I HATE HIM. i wish he wasn't so thick headed. he just can't get it. durrrr.

new friend. a traveler. i wish i could swim the oceans without having to worry about anything that i left behind. i wish i had nothing to leave behind.

i wish the outside didn't matter. i'm such a hypocrite. i feel bad, but i also feel good with what i did. he deserves it anyway. i don't want to cause further burden. it sickens me much.

tired. you're missing in action :(

happy happy ^^ that was good enough ^^

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

How to save a life.

I FUCKING CRIED WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME: "ate ang bait mo po."

MY GOD. WHATEVER IS HAPPENING TO ME.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

kaya ka pala apektado XDDD

my song is love, is love unknown.
and i've got to get that message home.

- coldplay, a message

*buntong hininga*

for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.


fuck health.

-----

im tired, uninspired, unmotivated, emotional, sad, slow, lifeless, boring, dull.

i lack confidence.

if i had confidence, i don't know where to invest it in.

i'm sick, frail, like a biscuit gone dry. one fall and i'm cracked. i can't be baked again, and dunking me in milk only leaves me going with the circular flow of it, all the while in crumbles.

i am a destroyed being.

how can i be built again when... i refuse to?

what happiness is there that i can hope for when i can pretty much see what will happen in my future?

it's something i cannot refuse or pay others to do it for me. it's my responsibility.

they probably thank God that i have some brains. well, i am almost blaming God that i am frail too. i suppose it's an exchange for my abilities.

so.

"fair" and "just" my ass.

i hate you. you're too friendly.

i can't discern what's real or not.

...and something like a hug? or maybe a sweet dreams?

bah. garbage thoughts.

i suppose i was too eager to be receptive that at first i didn't notice it was your general treatment to all. but... i guess i know now.

it ceased. just like that. it ceased.

it didn't even go through the "ceasing" or "ceases". it just ceased.

are you sending me signals? or am i just assuming again?

heart-warming, but feel-doubting.

shit i'm a certified FAIL at this. i have seen myself act so shallow before on that one occassion that lasted several months. i mean, really, looking back, THAT WAS SO STUPID. THAT WAS SO FRAIL OF ME. but that was also meaningful, tragic, and traumatizing.

i'll NEVER forget that. ever.

and i don't want that to happen again.

to look for affection or attention... it's a case of insecurity and longing. a veil over the real needs of a person. it becomes a translucent cover on the eyes of the beholder, and spells out "love" on the wrong word.

it's a case of clear dyslexia. where the reader knows that what she's reading is wrong, but cannot decipher the right word, cannot coax it out.

i am having a case of clear dyslexia. when will i be free of this film that promises wrong in the mask of right?

sometimes it's better to know a person first before seeing them in person. makes overcoming impressions easier.

i'm happy on my birthday.

but there's still a sadness in me that i don't know what to fill up with.

but still, i'm happy. thank you friends. so much. you have no idea how much i value you. i'd give up anything just not to lose you.

expect less. not more.

it hurts to even expect anything.

easy to say "get real", but how the hell does real become real when nobody visualizes it first?

am i what i think i am to you?

or am i what i wish i am to you?

what on earth did i just dream about.

why did i just dream about you? you're already gone for 4 years. i think that's already a long time. long enough for me to look at someone else.

i did "mourn" for about 2 years, and i still remember you. you prolly don't think i would be affected this much. but yes i am. not in a bad way, nor in a good way. just... this. it's filed under the category of "experience" and "past" and "sorrows". it's already filled up its time in the "unsolved" drawers. so why the heck did you come back? you should be dead.

it even felt like you were holding my hands. i could actually feel the warmth of your hands. it felt weird. romantic but weird. because even while i was dreaming, deep inside my dream's consciousness, i know that it wasn't real and it couldn't happen. it couldn't happen because first off, i have never held your h- wait, i HAVE held your hand. the dance on prom night. that time i still had no idea that you also liked me. but you did, and you didn't speak of it until the last month of the school year. which i think is a pretty good decision since you had your girl and your girl had ears in campus. also, even if it never reached her radar, it would still be morally wrong.

i don't know if i still want to see you again. i don't think i do. because i don't want my feelings to come back.

what a sad story.

i'm going astray with my notions. confusion is setting in a bit.

"if you don't like me, then don't act as if you do."

that's something i'd like to tell you, just to clear things up a bit. but, drats if i do, i'd be confessing if i told you this.

I'M CONFUSED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

i miss you at times, and i worry about you even if... even if. what the hell. this is the sort of thing that might never go away soon. and i'm getting tired of feeling all girly and teeny-bopperish when we talk.

i'm not asking for a partner from you. i'm just asking that you be normal if that's how you feel, and outright if that's how you feel. that's all.

i don't want to have icy fingers at the wrong time. not anymore. that was quite traumatic.

I'M CONFUSED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ORLY?

YARLY.

NOWAI.

YESWAI. (although still unsure, for the sake of owl1's happiness, owl2 answers yeswai.)

OvO

i still have no idea how i learned to like you.

you're definitely not my type of guy. your image doesn't even fit with my ideals. you've got too many friends.

you're almost my opposite, but you're also in the same league as me.

i'm not expecting any sympathy from you, and i don't expect you to understand either, but maybe you're just too easy-going that none of these things come to mind when there's contact.

which also explains why you've got so many friends.

i bet some of them girls also like you the way i do, naive as we are. it's just that not all of them might be the same as me: willing to expose myself to the truth of the sequences.

but too much logic may seem like a hindrance to feelings and emotions, and too much intuition may lead to wrong conclusions as based on logic.

so which do i follow? logic or intuition?

if i asked you to, would you come?

you probably would. not because of anything special but because that's your nature. sorta like a dog; you whistle and it comes running, just because you whistled, whoever you are.

hmm. figures why i don't like dogs.

so tired.

physically and mentally tired.

what if i'm hurt by what i'm seeing?

would that matter... to you?

but of course it won't. because you have no idea what is going on inside my head. in my heart. and you'll probably never know until you know it from the starting point.

and i guess i'll never get the chance to say how much your existence means to me, because i'll never speak unless you feel like asking me to do so. and i suppose that opportunity will never come unless the tides turn to an unexpected angle.



how can you lift my spirits then? how come?

we'll keep on waiting (waiting)
waiting on the world to change

huzzah

maguloooooo ang utak ko.

i'm still wanting something that, for now, doesn't seem to be available to me.

kaba kaba kaba.

birthday! omagad. gawin kaya yung inaasahan ko?

Today I Die

such a beautiful game and a beautiful message. inspiring. thank you to the creator :)

*****

is it wrong to be affected? i don't think so. but i think it's wrong to... well there's nothing wrong. i'm just affected and somebody's just being himself.

so why am i affected?

tired. waiting and waiting. but nothing came. just a boring word of question.

RULE 1: You opened this; you gotta take it.

RULE 2: You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you!

LAST PERSON YOU

1 You hang out with?

= insan?

2 Who was the last person you texted?

= marj

3 Last person you were in a car with?

= pamilya

4 Last person you went to the movies ?

= ohmen. either nanay or the petshap buddies.

5 Last person you went to the mall with?

= nanay

6 Last Person you talked on the phone with?

= can't rem!

7 You messaged/commented?

= basta sa dA ata

8 Who are you talking to now?

= wala

T/F: Only answer with True or False.

Q: Kissed someone on your top friends?

= f

Q: Been searched by Cops?

= f

Q: Been suspended from school?

= f. almost tho.

Q: Sat on a rooftop?

= not sure...

Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

= t

Q: Broken a bone?

= not sure din

Q: Have shaved your head?

= f

Q: Had/have a gym membership?

= f

Q: Shot a gun?

= f

Q: Donated Blood?

= f

WOULD YOU RATHER :

1 Eat or drink?

-> drink

2 Be serious or be funny?

-> 50/50

3 Go to the beach or mountains?

-> beach

4 Die in a fire or die getting shot??

-> shot

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

1 Sun or moon?

-> moon

2 Winter or fall?

-> winter

3 Left or right?

- left

4 Black and white or colored?

-> bnw

5 Do you want to get married?

-> no for now

IN THE LAST WEEK HAVE YOU :

1. Kissed someone?

-> nope

2. Been hugged by someone?

-> nope

3. Been poked by someone?

-> nope

4. Cried?

-> nope

5. Gotten in a fight?

-> nope.

6. Told someone they loved you?

-> nope. waw narcissist ahahaha

According to your last ex, you are?

-- la ko nun.

If you could push one person off a mountain, who could it be?

-- meself. pede ba un? haha

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

-- nada.

Do you see yourself in a relationship in 6 months?

-- dunno. not expecting. (parang dun lang sa isa)

Where will you be in an hour?

-- logtu

Do you miss anyone?

-- miss ba un. ewan ko lang.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?

-- wala. haha. boring.

Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?

-- i... dunno. pag dumating na cguro i'll try.

Last person you said I love you to?

-- wek tagal na.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?

-- onan.

Do you have a brother?

-- should have.

Did the last person who hurt you apologize?

-- umm.. nope. hehe.

Are you happy?

-- quite.

Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?

-- soday or c2

Where is the next place you will travel?

-- dunno... gusto ko malibot ang pilipinas. then i'm setting my sights on greece :D

Have you ever thrown your cell phone in anger ?

-- di pa naman. eyeglass oo hahaha.

Who was the last person you ate with?

-- pamilya dong!

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

-- i suppose si ian

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?

-- tagaytay, while practicing macro photog

Do you plan on moving out within the next year or two?

-- no plans but i would love to

Do you like meeting new people?

-- erm... depends.

The first thing you thought this morning?

-- anu beh... matutulog pa ko... XD

What did you feel when you woke up today?

-- want to sleep again

Is someone on your mind right now?

-- yosh

Can you honestly say things are running smoothly for you right now?

-- i suppose. i mean, if there's nothing running, is it still called smooth? lolz

What was the last thing you ate?

-- noodles! weee!

What are you doing tonight?

-- tulog nalang.

What is something you disliked about your day?

-- antahimik? and my stomach was doing a bit of gymnastics for no reason at all.

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?

-- no...

How old will you be in 2 years?

-- 23

Do you think by that time, you will be living at home with your parents still?

-- i don't want to

Do you believe in love at first sight?

-- no

Do you believe in love?

-- yep

Are you currently frustrated with a girl/boy?

-- err... a bit? hehe

How old will you be in 13 months?

-- 21 parin haha

Do you think you'll be married by then?

-- whoa. shokoy na tanong yan.

Who was the last person to call you?

-- can't rem. insan?

What month is your birthday in?

-- mayo

Can you live a day without tv?

-- totally. i hate it. katabi ko e. internet nalang :D

Relationship status?

-- singgol (single since sanggol)

last time u drank liquor?

-- shoot. err.. 2yrs ago? hahaha

last time you saw your crush?

-- haven't :D