something has just died within me.

so many words. i should learn to rein them all and hear them one by one.

why is it that when i do something, or when i am-

why is it that when i am being myself, something pops up to ruin it?

or maybe that is also a part of myself. and i am ruining myself. effortlessly too.

either i confine myself or i start learning to deal with it. deal with my stupidity. which i don't even know when it starts or stops. but i'm definitely affecting people. and i hate it so much. because for all the so-called discipline that i am trying to put on myself, these little things still seem to seep out at surprising times.

the smallest things.

i don't even know, or i'm not even sure, if i should be blaming myself.

the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and more unpredictable, and noisier.

.

i don't know what to blog.

oh, right. i broke my promise.

woulda put a LOL there, if i didn't consider it to be too serious.

i don't want to do that anymore. i feel really guilty. it's very degrading to both me and the host.

hah. i should remember not to. there are just these times that it's so hard to fight it.

That feeling of wanting to be needed.

During very random times.

What sort of joke is my life?

They say that how you view your life is just that: it's just how you view it. Changing your views means changing your life.

But, much as i want to change mine, i just don't see any reason to change it.

Love cats but allergic to them. Wanna try extreme. sports but is diabetic. Wanna do art stuff and fashion stuff and maybe become famous but too scared. And maybe, no background at all. And, the idea that your relatives only ever entered the business of art with the idea that the trends will dictate what will sell, not that they dictate the trends.

And then, just now, watching a kitty vis. Sweet cat.

I wish someone, anyone, treated me that way. Needed and loved. Not the needy bitchy sort. Just needed. Just someone. Who would feel that they actually lost something when i'm gone.