This was originally written on 09.17.15:
I love you so much.
I felt helplessly proud earlier, haha. That was so cute.
Erm...
I'm not supposed to be acting this way. Or thinking this way. I'm not supposed to be feeling something so embarrassing and awkward. I know you're old... old enough to be my dad even, at a not so minor age. I know we're 20 years apart.
But... i can't help it. I... i still remember the first time i met you as a conscious human. I couldn't help feeling embarrassed and ridiculously happy, like a flower suddenly closing up again from too much attention, too much beautiful sunlight. I still remember the feeling but i can't remember what i was wearing that night in chateau royale. It was probably mighty embarrassing too. Teenage days.
I forgot things for a few years after that.
Now... now, it took me a year to finally (remind and) confess to myself that i like you.
It has been 2 years since that day, almost. December 13 2013.
And... it's ridiculous how long it's been going on, and for that length of time, that i've been trying to keep it a secret, and yet i'm also looking for ways to tell you how much i love you, without having to embarrassingly expose myself to everyone...
I'm not even sure how you are, what your preference is, or if you're still interested in something like this - this feeling, this person... mostly this kind, my kind, of person...
I'm still embarrassed with myself. With my feelings for you. With how i have this feeling when i still don't know you enough.
I feel like a slut. An absolute outcast. Not to be respected. Because i developed feelings for a man who is 20 years older than me, possibly homosexual, and has, even only at a few points in time, seen me grow up.
I just want to tell you what i feel so that, at the very least, the time i spent thinking about you would have even a little meaning. The thoughts i had thought of may have a chance to lend a little joy to you. That maybe it would make you happy to know that someone loves you, one-sided as it is.
And that in itself is probably the saddest part of it all. Because i am ready to accept that it is no more bound to be more than a passing fancy. That it is no more bound to receive an equal amount of love.
I still love you, and probably always will... but either let me make peace with my heart and tell it be quiet, or let me have even a sliver of that special smile.
I love you so much.
I felt helplessly proud earlier, haha. That was so cute.
Erm...
I'm not supposed to be acting this way. Or thinking this way. I'm not supposed to be feeling something so embarrassing and awkward. I know you're old... old enough to be my dad even, at a not so minor age. I know we're 20 years apart.
But... i can't help it. I... i still remember the first time i met you as a conscious human. I couldn't help feeling embarrassed and ridiculously happy, like a flower suddenly closing up again from too much attention, too much beautiful sunlight. I still remember the feeling but i can't remember what i was wearing that night in chateau royale. It was probably mighty embarrassing too. Teenage days.
I forgot things for a few years after that.
Now... now, it took me a year to finally (remind and) confess to myself that i like you.
It has been 2 years since that day, almost. December 13 2013.
And... it's ridiculous how long it's been going on, and for that length of time, that i've been trying to keep it a secret, and yet i'm also looking for ways to tell you how much i love you, without having to embarrassingly expose myself to everyone...
I'm not even sure how you are, what your preference is, or if you're still interested in something like this - this feeling, this person... mostly this kind, my kind, of person...
I'm still embarrassed with myself. With my feelings for you. With how i have this feeling when i still don't know you enough.
I feel like a slut. An absolute outcast. Not to be respected. Because i developed feelings for a man who is 20 years older than me, possibly homosexual, and has, even only at a few points in time, seen me grow up.
I just want to tell you what i feel so that, at the very least, the time i spent thinking about you would have even a little meaning. The thoughts i had thought of may have a chance to lend a little joy to you. That maybe it would make you happy to know that someone loves you, one-sided as it is.
And that in itself is probably the saddest part of it all. Because i am ready to accept that it is no more bound to be more than a passing fancy. That it is no more bound to receive an equal amount of love.
I still love you, and probably always will... but either let me make peace with my heart and tell it be quiet, or let me have even a sliver of that special smile.
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