My heart is just heavy.. i want to just collapse into myself and disappear.
I want to be forgotten, like i never existed. By everyone. It can't be that someone remembers and others forget. That'll be a burden.
There are still things that i want to do, experience, remember. But i think my health is starting to lock the doors to those things.
I think... the reason that i am frustrated most of the time... that reason is also disappearing. Like there's no reason to be angry anymore, cos nobody else is robbing you of that chance. It's literally just the composition of you now, and you have no say in it anymore.
I feel like a building slowly losing integrity brick by brick. Like a dammed river going dry. Like a noisy city with dying lights.
I feel the anxiety of and grief for my cracking, disappearing self.

I think my kidneys are shot. Or my heart. 2nd time getting edema on my ankles.
Anddd... i feel like... i can't get my life on track. Like there are obstacles even in my own home, in my immediate vicinity. And im just tired of having to fight or reason for everything... it feels like i can't find anyone who i can align with. Id rather be alone, but even that is not an option yet.
I guess im seeing the light towards the exit now. Still very faint but it's there. And im quite excited for it, to be honest.