new year. new... nothing really. nothing new.



and i'm sleepy and want this day to be over.



but i'm also waiting for you to go online before the clock strikes 12 just to know you're alive and probably enjoying the new year celebrations.



 i miss you so much.

Are you fucking serious i can't even count how many times you were so fuckin near and yet far away. So fuckin close but not reaching.

Jesus fuckin christ

Maybe it just can't happen

Maybe it just won't ever happen

i don't know where you are right now, whether SG or PH. i really miss you though. i hope you guys aren't affected by the recent aircraft mishap, although it's definitely not included in your itinerary.

i miss you so much.

i still have no idea when your flight to SG will be, because... yanno, i'm a loser like that. i was planning to ask you about it if you ever leave office ahead of me, and you did, but i was speechless, as usual.



also, Merry Christmas! i didn't get to greet you back, earlier.



ehm.



shit i'm speechless. haha.



but it's gonna be one long helluva vacation. and i know that i'll miss you.

today is officially the last day i'll be seeing you for this year, i think. unless you still plan to come to office on the 27th hahaha. but i hope not. i hope you get some rest, and be with your family or whoever (if that's how you wish it to be). it's a nice time to bond, on Christmas holidays.



me though... i'm not very sure how the holidays will pass... i don't know what "happy" would mean this time...

i would definitely be happy to hear from you though.

but that's just me. that's just wishful thinking. something i shouldn't expect to happen.

i want to go out with my friends.



i thought it was a go, but good thing i didn't instantly tell them about that possibility, because it got ruined really quickly.



i cried for a while after that.



it's not that my parents don't want me to meet my friends. it's that it's not very convenient for them. which i'm aware of.



i'm such a pathetic person i can't even go anywhere on my own.



and i don't want to burden my parents too much. my dad said we can go, and i can meet my friends, if someone can accompany my mom in the same mall. and she'll most probably enjoy being there with her sister and her sister's daughter/my cousin. but my aunt and my cousin are both sick, and her daughters are going to bring her to the hospital tomorrow, for a checkup. and my mom's just... i'm not sure if she's sick, but she doesn't seem like she wants to go.



i just couldn't push my dad to still drive me to that very-far mall even though it's just gonna be for me. it feels like a very selfish thing to do.



but i still cried. it was... heart ache. a very heavy feeling in my chest.

the sort of feeling you get when your dreams are crushed, your expectations are ruined.

some people are gonna call me selfish because i cried. i mean, i myself feel that way. but it doesn't erase the hurt that i experienced.



i feel like everything in my life can only happen upon other people's approval, or benefit, or use.



i just want to meet my friends after a very long time, for chrissakes.

I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FLYING TO SINGAPORE AND I FEEL LIKE I WON'T BE SEEING YOU FOR A LIFETIME



jesus fucking christ i'm pathetic.

I can't talk to you... i hope you have a safe trip...

I'll miss you so much.
:'(

work is a tonic for the person whose dreams are not as clear others' are. whose love is not as near as others' are. whose life is covered in smoke and fog and haze and all that is left for them to do is to find their way out and keep themselves alive. there is no light in life if you can't even find a torch to set aflame.

Anniversary.
Why do i even care.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
I know i shouldn't be expecting too much but it helps make me happy to have something to hope for, only to be disappointed again and again.
Omegle peeps said you're too old. Hahaha.

It's true.

Why do i even care.

There is nothing. Nothing to say. And nothing is a state, a something. It is not decay nor progress. It is, once again, stagnancy...

And i will be a stagnant being incapable of moving... waiting for time to heal me and make me forget... it is the... best emptying to go through... it is not as heartbreaking as other ways... but it will take more time than other ways.

I don't have much time left. If 27 comes... if my death wish happens... it is only a few more months to go.

And as much as i would like you to be someone to me, i still will not be able to make it happen, because i will still choose to be stagnant. Because you do not deserve the burden that is me. Because if you do not feel the same, then it is not worth pursuing...

it's almost a year.

i've been in... in this state... with you... for, 5 days to a year, officially.

and nothing has changed.

why?



i think, or know, that it's been very apparent that... it can't go anywhere... that there's no progress to this.

i have never forgotten... but i've been hopeful that it would change...

on its own, of course. hah.



i do not have the guts to tell you about this... because it would not seem proper...

i mean... 20 years. jesus fucking christ. 20 fucking years gap.

and i don't want to burden you with childish things...

taking me in would be like taking a promo package of the worst things in life.



i wish i could hear your side.



but one action would elicit more actions.



you'll be stained, even just from my words. just words. what more...



i want to stop already but

i dunno...

it's like your presence alone can pull me in wholly.

maybe i'm just curious about you.

maybe if i knew you better, it would satisfy my curiosity.



am i asking for a chance? maybe.

but i also don't want a hanging chance. i don't want a training ring of fire.

i want you to also want me, to be in mutual understanding and level of things.

if you don't (which you probably don't), then never mind. don't even try.



one year.

Avoid me. Avoid me.

I need you but i don't want to pressure you into this or burden you with something you either wouldnt want or find to be unimportant

I know that i should just keep away from you and be happy that i can even talk to you

I guess its just a physical mental natural instinct to long to be adored and cared for by someone you like and to give them back the same good treatment

But i really should be happy with what i have or dont have right now

I wish i had no feelings

Why do we keep meeting glances? It's possible that it is just accidental. I want to think otherwise though.

This girl keeps thinking of you too. I hate that she keeps looking at you.

I'm jealous and I want to put her in her place.

But who am I anyway? I'm a mere worker, little sister at most, to you. Yucky, really. I'm in no place to like you, myself.

Soooo... I'm just gonna try and subdue my feelings. Yeah. It's not gonna get reciprocated anyway.

it will always be you.



though you won't read this, it will always, always be you.



i know that it would seem like it's a very recent thing, but it's been like this for a very long while. not as serious, and not as focused, before, when i was still in my teens, because, you know, teens. but it's been there for a long while. it just got rekindled again.



i'm having mixed feelings of frustration, disappointment, and a slowly but ever lowering self-esteem level... everyday is an alone day. i don't think there's anyone who is really content with being alone. i mean, yeah, we can survive alone, but i don't think it's ever come to a point that's like, "oh, he's very likeable. but i don't need him. i can love myself by myself. who needs a partner?" and currently, i'm in this stage where i wish someone would be there for me. i wish someone would be able to naturally appreciate me. it's a nice feeling to be uplifted by someone else - someone who you know would only ever tell you honest-in-his-opinion things, not someone who uplifts you to get your favor, even though they are not in agreement with what they are saying.



it would feel nice to be normal, in this area of life.

You make me happy... my thoughts of you make me happy...

I wish you felt the same... and let me know or feel it... i wish that you talking to me is a sign of comfort... of trust... maybe further...

Im sorry that i dont talk to you a lot... im sorry that i dont know how to start or continue conversations with people im not comfortable with... i am conscious of your presence... too conscious it renders me speechless... and that we dont have the chance to talk like me and diane has, is not helping... i still have no idea how or who you are...

I wish things were easier... i wish i werent so scared of things... though the ability to read minds would have sufficed just as well lol. But of course thats impossible... i really do wish things were easier to traverse and talk about though... this is worsening my frustrations... :(

so in love~ and so tragic at the same time~ i love this song <3
i'd sing this to you if we get to a bad time... if "we" would happen...

why do you have to be so damn adorable???



although, of course, i'm the least of your wandering thoughts...



sigh.



i'll treasure that little chat though.

you have no idea how much frustration i experience when i think of you and try to decipher your personality.



the strange looks are strange.



i have already talked to everyone in the office but i cannot talk to you.



well, there's also kuya noel. but i don't really bother with him.



you though.



why are you so hard to reach. or rather, i do have the options, but i feel like i am either not welcome, or waiting for your go signal, to use them.



on the other hand, i probably shine the same aura to some of the office peeps. and other people. maybe.

I've been continuously writing about you.

Just... writing about my observations, feelings, frustrations over you... it kinda comforts me, because i'm sure that i can understand what i'm talking about if i ever read all these again in the future, but at the same time, it's like freely talking to someone else.

I'll go sleep now. Goodnight. Know that someone loves you.

There seems to be a "feeling game" going on. Like, trying to see the other's actions and reactions without wanting to get noticed.

I-- really, now. If you have something to say, then just blurt it out. I would love to hear it, you know.

you looked cute in that yellow top. but i still can't decipher your face. pfah.

i'm sleepy, i'm not feeling fully well, like my head is heavy and my shoulders are sore, and my teeth don't feel very comfortable or okay right now, i'm supposed to visit the dentist this sat, and i might have my lower wisdom teeth removed, and umm...



i dunno... should i be happy? maybe if i think about how it is possible for me to feel these things and not be burdened by much else, then yeah, maybe it's reason enough. but i just want to sleep into someone's arms right now, be comforted by somebody's presence. not just their existence, but their actual presence in my life.



i'm not getting any younger, and yet i don't really feel like i'm progressing, either.

i don't know what to feel whenever i hear you talk. i don't know if you're bordering the homosexual line or are just plain feminine. plus the fact that you seem to be a class B citizen. does it count as class?

I don't know what i want with you but you being there somehow benefits me greatly. Makes my disposition better. And it's during these worrying times that i really need your ray of sunshine. I wish i could get a hug from you somehow. It would make me feel better and much happier, or at least make me forget my issues for a while. But the fact still remains that you don't seem to have mutual feelings...

When i fall in love... it will be forever, or i'll never fall in love~ and the moment that i feel that you feel that way too... is when i'll fall in love with you~

Can the ocean keep from rushing to the shore? It's impossible~ If i had you, could i ever want for more? It's just impossible~

This barrage of old songs playing in my brain. Old love songs. Goddammit.

I do love through songs. That's at least one thing i can take from this. The 2nd thing is that i'd most prolly serenade the girl i like if i were a guy. I wish i could dedicate songs to you in my/our case.

Showroom vs. Sanctuary: Rebecca Solnit on What Our Dream Homes Reveal about Our Inner Lives | Brain Pickings

Showroom vs. Sanctuary: Rebecca Solnit on What Our Dream Homes Reveal about Our Inner Lives | Brain Pickings



i've just finished reading this and... it made me think of some stuff. particularly my dream home.



i've always wanted a rather "vacant" house... it will only ever have furniture pieces that i really, really love. i'm not particularly sentimental, except for things that i really love, and those can be counted within my digits. i want a house that's... gray-white, i don't want it too bright or too drab. and it would not be the home of a collector. it would be spacious and clean. i might change the furniture arrangements more often than is normal. and i want a bathroom of this motif, but a luxurious one. again, not a crowded bathroom - i want it spacious and comfy, but not alienating. i want a house that is generally quiet, but i can change its mood with music, maybe.



so... this article makes me think about what it is that i really want, because the article states that our dream homes and its interiors signify the umm... ideal life that we dream of, and we may achieve it in the form and formation of our homes, but that this ideal form and formation is only kept for a limited time, because, you know, life changes, things change, additions and subtractions, etc etc.



but that's the problem. i want a pretty empty house.



and then there's the idea of a concept standing right beside its very opposite.



so maybe the worst house i can ever have is a cluttered house?



i can quite imagine how bad it will be. and yes, i think that's exactly what i don't want.



but, again... there's also this other idea in my head that maybe i want a blank canvas because i'm too afraid to commit myself to anything. i mean, it does resound pretty well with my ideal house. it is clean, i can change it anytime i want to. rather fitting, really.



i cannot imagine myself sticking to a cluttered house. or, i might, but i'll throw out some of its contents and rearrange it altogether.



ah. the consistencies and inconsistencies in me.

why do i keep writing about you...



i think about you all the time, i figured out as much. lol. but i guess i just wish i could tell you about this... and since i can't, or don't want to, i've turned to a blog for comfort and sharing. quite pathetic, really.



and um... i don't know, i'm just gonna imagine that you're listening to me.



you know what... i can actually... see and feel myself deteriorating... i have several locking joints now... my left arm can get numb really quickly... also my legs... my lower back hurts if i sleep wrongly... umm... my eyes sometimes flicker on their own, and it's really really annoying when they do because i can't control em and i lose my focus... some of my toes, sometimes they lock in place when i move em wrong... i get a lot of headaches too... slight ones, beside the migraine shiz... and just recently, i noticed that my eyes can't focus on a very near object/text, though i could focus on em before...



i'm not scared of getting old. i'm not gonna lie though, i AM scared of the complications. esp. because i have diabetes. umm... i've recently read on some diabetes type1 articles again, and the life expectancy thing came up again... an approximation of -20years.



call me a fucking coward but i really do not want to see how i'd end if i ever reach my life expectancy... i don't want to have to depend on other people just to be able to do basic things and live... i'm already a burden as is, i don't want to add more burden... and i want to die in peace... there's already enough pain and depression without having reached the ending stage yet... and they say that you only learn who really loves you when you're in your toughest moments... i don't want to have to stay in a hospital, and more so stay in a hospital with no visitors... but i'm also so tired of being either the embarrassing star or the backstage helper...

Just... so... out of my league... same as me with yours...

I don't understand myself. I don't understand why i like you so much.

i want to talk about you.

i want to let you know how my life runs, and how it runs away from me every day, so you could understand me.

i want to know who and how you are, why you are. i want to know your secrets, your shallow parts, the smallest things you laugh at or get mad at. i want to see your weaknesses because you've been putting up too much of your strengths for a very long time, and i want to look through the cracks in it. i'm sure you have em.

i want to learn, and know, and be reminded, of how you care about me, how you are interested in who i am, in me. (but, of course, that's all just wishful thinking.)

i wish i could instantly know about these things. a simple yes or no is so so so much better than nothing at all. but... i have no right to demand of these things from you. i have no right to demand answers from you. i am nothing to you, at all.

I feel like a huge walking piece of failure.

Sorry im just depressed right now. I dont want to move anymore.

I hope next time there will be like this app or gadget or diary where you dont have to type anything. You just hold it and it records your feelings. I want it just so that i could let people know what im feeling. Because its so hard to talk about things like these.

a very deluded fantasy.



from a very delusional individual.

you're currently one of the few things/people who give me happiness. besides the temporary elation of a finished job, a comical comment on a friend's post, a small achievement. and maybe some 9gag posts. you're one of the few who actually makes me happy, even though you personally don't really do it. just you being there is enough.

i wonder how you'd feel if you knew.

but i wish everything was real. those times i imagine you to be there for me. those times i imagine that your shoulder was there for me to lean my head on. those times i imagine that you were there to comfort me in my depression. i wish you were truly there, and that you truly understood what i'm going through, and that you were truly there for me.

oh, this is just my part of the deal. i'd be the same for you if this was a real thing. but it's all just wishful thinking.

just 1 more month until this rounds up to a year... on dec13? if i remember right. i officially declared it on dec13.



life is just passing by. it's like... being inside a cafe just by the street, sitting by the window, and watching cars whiz by. this mechanical creature carrying life in it, but not really seeing you sitting by the window, watching them whiz by.



i feel like i am... either being taken for granted, or i'm simply wasting my chances. possibly both.



i do not want to dare with these things. this feeling. but i also feel like, the more i let this be (which isn't really something i put effort in, mind you), the more stagnant i become.



there are times when i wish... no. actually, i do almost always wish that feelings like this had an on/off switch. i'd turn it on if i miss it, turn it off when it's not appropriate. like now.



i kind of feel ashamed of myself for actually feeling this. i feel like, this is very wrong. or, not that the feeling is wrong, but more of "you already know that this shouldn't be happening. you already know that he's just supposed to be in line with your cousins even though you're not related, and yet you're still not avoiding him."



but that's also what i'm trying to do right now... look for proof that my attraction to him is going absolutely nowhere, because it has no place in his heart. i can't find any kind of proof though. that's a pretty big problem.

What ever happened to you that made you change...

I'm curious about what happened during your 2010.

I wonder why you seem happy, though kinda spaced out, in the office, but you're completely silent on facebook. Not like how you seem to be in the past years.

I wonder what made you change. I don't think it's just age. Maybe you just lost interest in things... that's also quite possible.

I wonder who hurt you. And how.

I wonder where your flame went...

what i'm seeing is not making any sense...

if that is supposed to be a cover up, then you're being really good at it.

i'm very, very curious though. so i'll try to look for more links.

all i have right now is nothing. hmm.

i don't know if i should still be pursuing this or not anymore. if there is anything or nothing to find.

hmm.

I've written so many things about you, so many things to you, for you... what has come of it all?

Nothing...

Nothing, because I'm not making a move... because I'm afraid of definite rejection... because it isn't normal... because it will break boundaries and ties and override our system of respect...

Because I have no definite reason to rank you as reachable and irreplaceable. No solid foundation to make me decide that you are a need, not just a want, a flitting feather of teenage fancy...

All of this and yet... I just can't seem to let you go... for what reason, I have no idea... maybe I'm just entertaining my hopeless romantic fantasies of "it will come as a cute, romantic surprise soon enough"...

i need you. i just want a good hug. i want to feel stable and secure.



am i insecure? maybe. not so much as to compare myself to others, but i'm pretty insecure in myself. i don't trust myself too much.



a little support would be really good.



and a little understanding. and some concern. some love. some assurance that i won't be alone all my life.



but... that's eventually how it's gonna end up... right? i'm eventually gonna be alone in the future. i feel alone now, as is. i mean i have friends and relatives, and i know they would wholeheartedly welcome me, but... i dunno... it's very alienating, still...



it's possible that i'm just stopping myself from being close to them... tbh i'm not that comfortable about doing it... and as it is, i've really not much of anyone to turn to...

i'm sick... and i wish you would show a bit of concern... text me or something... ask how i'm doing... maybe get worried somehow...



why do i have to keep waiting on people to love me...



yeah i dun need lectures on friends and family shit. that's rather obvious if you ask me. i'm also obviously asking for someone who would actually learn to love and care for me... it's a different thing when someone becomes attached to you. and the person didn't even share your life. or... i dunno. childhood friends to couples are nice too. just someone of different descent, to actually feel that they need you. it's a very... precious, humbling thing to experience.



and i wish that would be you. by some almighty power of statistics breaking and reality breaking, i wish it could be you.

O baka rin naman kasi na ayaw ko lang makinig sa pinakamalalim kong kutob... yung ayaw tumuloy na mahulog kasi ang ibigsabihin noon ay tuluyang katangahan... di marunong pumili... di marunong manantsya... at the same time, meron ding kumakalawit sakin na nagsasabing pwede ka naman talaga pagkatiwalaan, kilalanin lang ng maigi...

Not like i have the chance to do that. Lol.

Hay. Lutang sa ere ang lola mo. Sana manhid nalang ako.

Naghihintay na nga lang ata akong ihampas mo mismo sa mukha ko kung ano man yung mga nakikita kong clear signs... sa totoo lang wala akong makitang direct sign or evidence, pero...

Ewan ko, pwede rin naman kasing mali ako o mali ako, depende kung saan ako nakatuon. Pero... ang hirap rin kasi na iaassume ko lang lahat, nang walang solid proof... o iaassume ko lahat, kahit may weak proof... para akong nakikipaglaro sa apoy na ayaw mamatay-matay pero ayaw rin namang lumaki... andyan lang para manggulo.

Sana sayo nalang mismo manggaling yung sagot sa (mga) tanong ko para di ako nagmumukhang tanga kakahula... hay.

the world seems to be telling me that you can be there all the time, but you will never, ever, become mine.



i'm not... i'm still not certain if i'm asking for that to happen, for you to be mine... i just want to get to know you more right now. i've never really thought about anyone being "mine"... more like, i know you like me, and you know i like you, and we can revel in that knowledge - the knowledge that someone loves us, and we can come home to that someone if we want to. that's the sort of arrangement i keep thinking about. and i can imagine it happening to us, but i'm not exactly asking for it to happen right now, as that would be too abrupt, unless you actually do feel the same way, then maybe we can work on something. but i'm not gonna assume that, so... really, i'll be very happy just to get any indication of welcome.



i do miss you though. i really do.

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You've just changed from my forever love to my forever frustration...

That's always been what you are. I am just too blind to see that.

I'm hoping you would see this just so i could gauge your reaction. I just want to see a solid answer, or sign, on whether continuing this is still called love or already called lunacy. I don't care about any future plans, assumptions, dreams, goals. I just want to know the now.

I'm being a huge coward haha.

But if it was so easy, it wouldn't be as romantic... nor as sweet... nor as precious... it wouldn't amount to anything at all.

When you feel like every action is a mistake. Every word is a mistake. Everything is a mistake. And you somehow cannot find the right ways... the right words... the right actions and reactions... to be proper... properly acknowledged and properly... treated, recognized to be existing... in as simple an action as breathing the same air you are breathing, telling you your mum called... and simply trailing off... because no one has the time to listen and acknowledge your presence...

I'm not asking for a coalition of listeners or a church of my own followers. I'm just asking to be treated as you would treat a friend... not... put off like a used up reminder note...

I'm gonna cry.

Lucky people do not have the time to think a out a lot of things. Their hours are occupied by the love of their lives: family, friends, work, money, fun, learning.
People who have too much time think about too many things. So they try to preoccupy themselves with other things like temporary work and play. But night time is the enemy of thinkers, in the same way that it is their loyal companion. When a person with too much time is not preoccupied with something self induced, he thinks. About a lot of things. Good and bad things. Imagining scenarios and words. Imagining the future and its dreary implications (which if they didn't think about too much, would still come about anyway, but not as harsh as they think it would be).
I imagine a lot. I especially imagine quiet or fun or sweet moments with you. I imagine being "us". How it would be and how nice it would be. But at the same time, my imagination highlights my inability to fully communicate. Even in my head, i still can't carry conversations. I can write long stuff like this blog and my other blogs, but i can't seem to be a good talker. Talking drives me to my panic zone. It enhances my observation skills more, but again, further highlights my lack of talking skills.
I personally have no problems with it. I'm not a talker, and i don't exactly need to talk everyday. But i can feel the burden of it with situations like this, when i want to get to know someone better, or when i suddenly meet a random acquaintance. Awkwardness is never nice unless it's an accepted trait, by someone who knows who and how you are.
For now, i will continue to dream of you, dream of the us that jumped through all the ensuing awkwardness. Dream of how sweet we can be, how supportive of each other, how compatible we are. But i should also keep in mind, that these are all just dreams, even the you in my dream is a dream, nothing more...

Maybe the question isn't whether you can see my value. Maybe the question should be whether i do have value or none...

Reality is harsh, and it's been kicking me to the ground, face in the mud, for a very long while now. No, i don't plan to take revenge. I'll just take the blows and try to learn something from them. It's harsh when you were once considered a bit of a wonder kid, and you now don't seem to feel the same way. You can't deal with the world the same way you did with your studies back then. It's a much more painful feeling of failure compared to failing some quizzes and plates... papers that amount to nothing when you're done studying... unless you actually learned something from it, in which case, that's the only moment they get some value, and off it flies when you're done learning. But life... life is a constant renewal. Life is worse than being in the military. Life is worse than being kicked out of work. Life is 10x each of those things, and then some, because everything has repercussions and followups.

I don't want to fight anymore, but it doesn't mean that i've also gotten numb from the pains and unfairness of life.

"keep quiet... keep quiet... as much as you want to tell him, you hafta keep quiet, because hell will break loose if you don't shut up...



you DO know how scandalous this might look, following the and/or with gossips all around...



there is nothing wrong with him but your connections..."



and as much as i'd like to believe that there is no such thing as luck or fate or stuff like that, well... the world does seem to be conspiring against me.



but i miss him so. i missED him so, and i still do, until now, even when he's already home. i still do.

Ebb and flow.

Total undertainty bordering on impossibility.

I miss you. So. Much. But i'm also so scared to tell you about it because you would most likely laugh it off and tell me i'm too young for your tastes. Or i'm not your preference. Or you just simply don't feel the same way, which, if i look at this from an observer's perspective, or even, if i just want to be really honest with myself, well... it's just the most logical turn of events that i should be expecting.

But i'm... still holding on to my hopes. For some weird, illogical reason. My brain and my heart are fighting off the more realistic ideas of how improbable and illogical and pointless my feelings for you are.

I will not be as forthcoming as that bastard, and i don't plan to be. That was incredibly rude. I... i have so much want to tell you about this and be free from your invisible, unintentional grasp. But doing so seems to entail too much misery that it scares me speechless...

I really. Really. Really miss you though. Very, very much. And i'll be going through a pretty bad case of depression when this ends... in the most realistic way... i don't want that depression anymore, but it's as part of the healing process as much as it acts and uses heartfelt pain as a reminder for future events...

not really sure about what i'm expecting or thinking about... i'm somehow excited and happy that you're coming back, and i'll be seeing you again on monday. slightly expecting an update from you, even if it's not directly addressed to me (i mean, duh. LOL.). just an update.

and maybe by some big ass miracle a huge change happens and you suddenly actually do like me and wish to tell me that you missed me and it'll be the start of further awkward interactions that would actually strengthen us and help our status become close friends or even more than friends in a really comfortable way and then it's us.

sorry i was just rambling.

that's the wish, though.

but, of course, things don't really happen that way. i mean, i'd have been such a lucky bitch if that happened. i'd be the happiest gal in the world. i'd have forgotten everything else. it would be such a great gift, such a big, pleasant surprise, i'd prolly act like the stupid schoolgirl i was back then.

i'm so fucking naive and hopeless. hah. this is why i'm still single. plus other factors that can only have been built up by me.

there are times when you just want someone to be there for you. because you feel like you've been alone for faaaar too long.

i can keep describing this person, the way he is in my dreams, but it all remains the same: that he isn't there.

i don't know if he exists... i mean, of course we all have our own ideals, and i have my own too. but it wasn't called "ideal" for no reason. so, yeah, my expectations are pretty realistic... i think. but... i haven't really interacted with people too much, in the same way others are comfortable doing. i would probably still be surprised with a lot of things happening with other people, even though those things also normally happen to me.

i notice that i only ever - well, not really, but very usually - develop a liking for people i look up to. i've had 2 prof crushes, 1 mysterious guy who rode a motorcycle to and from school, 1 guy older than me (although this one, i think i only developed a crush on him when i found out that he also has a quiet side), 1 guy in elem-HS who was just this "mr. perfect" (handsome, kind, a bit timid, not rowdy, etc etc. very safe). i've had other crushes too, esp. during HS, the very short term ones that my then undecided brain dictated (i'm straight, fyi. it was just that at that time, my crushes were quite random guys. lol.) i noticed that i like guys who act... mature? or more like, like grownups. not necessarily mature, just... there's this certain aura about certain people... mmmm... like how you would sometimes call someone a child even though he is 40yrs old - there's also an opposite to that, and that's usually who i get attracted to.

but the 1 guy that i count to be my first love, is quite far from how i imagine my ideal guy to be. he's a total jock. he's not the cocky sort though, just really sporty, with guy friends from his basketball team. i never really imagined myself liking someone like him, but i did. and it sort of changes things. it opened my mind, that i shouldn't just limit myself to people i find very close to my ideals. because there's no such thing as ideal; there's only whatever's there, and whether you can start to like it, start to learn it, start to adapt to it.

but, ideals... you can't simply push your ideals away. you can't simply put them aside and be like, "oh, whoever comes is good by me." no, that's total bullcrap. i will not let that happen. i still know what i quite want, and i'm not simply gonna change that because "someone came by."

so... how... where is this ideal person i am looking for? how am i supposed to find him?
i've taken to the idea of not actively finding him. i just don't want to.
i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. no, actually, a total sucker like it.
so i'm just gonna hope that he comes by, or that he is you, because, you know... i really do like you, but i don't know if i should, and i don't know if i know you enough. you quite fit the bill though.

i miss you and your quirks.



but i'm probably just inventing the whole shazam within my brain.

it's just been 2 days for chrissakes. grow up.

toothache. cracked voice. sore throat. not sure if i have fever.



general malaise.



ugh. i want my kid days back. when i could just sleep all day until the ill feelings pass...



it would be nice if someone would take care of me... so i could simply forget my adult status even for a while, and be able to fully rest...



i'm just so tired, sick or not...

1 week. I will not be seeing you for a week.

It'll be one of the longest weeks of my life. Save the deadlines shouting sparta at me. Even now.

And i totally forgot that boss needs the extra xmas thingees. I AM tired. Jesus christ what a failure.

Anyway. Im still happy that some were picked up. Not the trees, but it's still something. And they liked the colors.

More than anything though... im gonna miss you. Do take care, you awkward, cute dork.

I am so fucking hopeless.

I'm only ever waiting for you... ridiculous as it seems...

*sigh* ...

I feel... useless and... hopeless... worthless... i feel that i'm not really needed... that i have nothing to give... i know that... no that's pretentious. I know though that i do deserve some good things, but i don't dare to demand them. I don't want to accidentally push my limits... if it's for me, then it's for me. No one else will take it because it will automatically come to me.

But people don't work that way. I talk of people like they're inanimate lol. But yea, people.. have minds and reasoning ability... there's a variety of responses that you could meet and choose from, from different people in the sane situations.

You are no different. I am afraid to introduce "this" situation to you, for fear that you might flee as response to it...

yung gusto mo lang ng masasandalan saka makakakita at makakaintindi ng kung anong nararamdaman mo ngayon. konting yakap lang, ok na. basta alam mong nandyan sya at pwede kang sumandal sa kanya sa mga panahong mahina ka. yung kahit di ka magsalita e nakikita nyang may pinagdadaanan ka. na naiistress ka. kahit sa maliit na dahilan lang. tapos aakbayan ka nya.

yun lang naman sana. konting ganoon lang. konting malasakit sana. gusto ko lang yun maramdaman.

sana ikaw ang gumawa nun.

sana may makaintindi sa hinahanap ko. sana maintindihan mo. sana nakikita mo kahit halos araw-araw tayong nagkikita pero di kita nakakausap.

gusto ko lang sana na may sumalba sakin. kahit minsan lang. hindi naman palagi. ayoko rin naman kasing maging pabigat kahit kanino. pabigat na nga ako as is, kapal ko naman kung sadyain ko pang dagdagan. pero syempre, lahat ng tao may mga oras na sobrang nanlulumo sila. sobrang lungkot.

siguro sasabihin ng iba na parang, wala yan, mas mabigat dyan yung pinagdadaanan ko. eh, okay, problema mo na yun, problema ko rin to. di ko naman to dadamdamin kung wala lang 'to. mababaw na kung mababaw para sayo, pero ganun talaga. kahit gaano pa kababaw yan, dumadating din yung oras na pag sobrang tagal mo nang dinadala yung... problema? yung sitwasyon? eh... mapapagod ka rin.

sana mabasa mo to para maintindihan mo na kahit mukha akong masaya at tatanga-tanga sa totoong buhay, meron parin akong pakiramdam. mas pinipili ko lang na itago kung ano yung pinoproblema o nararamdaman ko, o yung hinahanap ko, kasi nga ayaw kong maging sagabal at pabigat sayo...

i should start conditioning myself to stop thinking about you...



there's just no way it could happen the way i imagine it would.



there's no other, better love than one that grew mutually. and i have had a glimpse of that love, and nothing else can compare. no other development can compare.



and i feel like i'm the most... off-putting, horrible, unattractive person in the world. although that is quite contrary to the glimpses i get when i'm in public places. i'm not saying that i'm striking or beautiful, just that i do get glimpses, and i guess that's a normal thing. i guess it's a normal thing for all girls, everyone can get glimpses sometimes, for varying reasons. but that it's not you... feels like i do not have enough beauty, wits, character, or... self, to make you see me. make you feel that i'm there.



i try to put up a strong facade when i can. a confident facade. but that's just a facade. i have a longing for acceptance. no, not just acceptance. i have a longing for acceptance and the feeling that i am needed, by someone who has learned to see who i am, as is. this boring, sickly, negative half-girl-half-woman, who has not yet found her proper calling, who feels like a goddamn coward, who is either rebellious or just a brat, and is tired of the everyday control she has to bear... if anyone can learn to accept and love this person, i don't know if i can love them back. i still live in my romantic dreamland, and it isn't even the total fairytale sort, but i do yearn for something like it. i keep wishing that you would help me fulfill that dream, but so far... nothing. and it feels incredibly... pathetic of me, that i still keep yearning for you even though all signs point towards the opposite road...

I wish you were more attractive.

Hahahahha.

Jesus christ that really hit the mark.

i should not believe anything until i see something concrete...



i should not think of something if there is not confirmation...



i should not expect anything unless it is directly being given to me...



all this, i should not wait for, expect, from you.



we are not mutual, as far as events show, as far as treatment seems, as far as things are going. or not going, for that matter.



i should not expect you to care...

Yung gusto mo nalang magtago sa kung saan mang lugar na di ka mahahanap kasi feeling mo sobrang left out at kakaiba at slow ka.

At the same time, naghahanap ka ng makakaintindi sayo.

I really need you now...

what are you doing??

i'd like to ask you that question, face to face. but no. not until i know more.

and i don't want to assume things, but my brain is making stupid conclusions. not helping.

i want to see how you're doing "there", but that's gonna taint up my experiment. guess it can wait.

but ugh.

i wish we could be friends. like, pretty comfy friends. not acquaintances.

though, again, that would put fuel to the fire in my brain. hah. all of these cause and effects happening without direction.

my forever love.

People with siblings.

There's a certain happiness to them that I can't quite put a finger on.
There's also a certain pride among them.

It looks like it is such a good thing to have siblings. Like a person would be so lucky to have them. You grow up with friends and people you can talk to about everything. They force growth on you. And you feel comfortable around them, sometimes only to a certain level, of course, but still much more comfortable than you'll ever be with people you don't live under the same roof with.

I sometimes envy people with siblings, because more than anything, you know you have someone to talk to, who almost completely know who you are... and maybe they would do things for you in the same way that you would do things for them.

There's a certain irreplaceable love right there.

I think maybe God had frowned upon my existence. I never got anything that would've... no. Actually I did get things that would benefit me. Just not the things that I find to be lacking, right now... maybe I'm just asking for too much...

I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

But I will not impose my feelings on you. That is wrong. And we are probably wrong anyway so I really shouldn't hope too much.

I am so smitten it's not a joke anymore. Jesus christ I need help.

No okay that's just an exaggeration. Although i sometimes do feel that way. My feelings tend to come in waves. Calm or tsunami-ish, pick one.

But yeah. You know when you're... so scared of something that you yourself feel unsure about whether what you're doing or feeling is right or wrong... that. I feel that way towards this and towards you...

I am... destroying myself again.

I've always been a rebel. Just not the sort that holds up flags and placards. I do it by actions.

And I'm doing it again. This time against my condition. Diabetes is a silent, psychological, crippling disease that takes hold of your life. Puts limitations on it.

I hate that stupid diabetes bracket.

I hate that I'm governed by it.

I'm just. So. Tired. Of it.

The grounds that it is one-sided.

That it is not a mutual hiding of feelings.

That it is not. It does not exist and it cannot happen.

Stick to realities. Stick to reality. Stick to what is and not to what might be.

Do not hope.

Humans are the most constantly kinetic objects of the world. You cannot rely on them.

i'm having a headache. great.



why does it always hurt so much when people question my words?

i feel like i cannot be fully trusted. like my past is not clean, which it isn't, and it's destroying my present.

like everything i've worked hard for since my dark days are just for naught.



it's always a huge blow to my ego when someone questions me. i try very hard to only ever share and distribute facts. i don't want to people to be led astray by me. and yet... it's like some people don't have filters for what is true and what is not. cynics, maybe.



but that a person who doesn't even talk to you, forces you to bask in his/her cynical glory, is such a rude action.



civility can only be attained if at least one person in a group can stick with enough sanity to clean the mess up.

just because i don't talk to you in your times of distress doesn't mean i don't think about you. there are just people who are entitled to that position, and i am not one of them.

whatever the fuck happened to you. you're pretty much just skin and bones.



i wish i could talk to you freely so that i could, at the very least, make you feel that someone's here for you. i am here for you.



jesus christ. keep yourself together. please.

I hope you're already okay... i hope i can see you on monday... or earlier, if possible, just maybe.

I miss you and i need to know that youre alright.

Just be there, alive and well. My forever love.

:(

How are you? When are you coming back? What happened to you? I hope it's not serious... I miss you very much. But I can't really tell you that. I can't even ask you these questions directly.
I'm just gonna hope that I see you tomorrow/today. Though if you're still not well, it's okay by me if I don't see you, as long as you're okay.

i hope you're already okay...
i miss you.

more than anything, i hope you're already okay...

you didn't come to work today. i wonder how you are...

You are my forever love.

Am I certain of it? No, in the way that other couples "know" that s/he's the one. But maybe. Just maybe.

i'm a very jealous person, i'm finding out.
i don't act on it, but the feelings of jealousy do exist in my head.
i can get affected with small things. small, senseless things that come from someone who matters to me.
i feel like... the world does not want me to be happy.
though of course that's just one of tons of other perspectives. of course i shouldn't be blaming the world just like that.
but i sometimes can't help but feel deprived. of a lot of things. mostly immaterial things. i'm not one to have issues with material stuff. i can usually get what i want, but i don't want for much.
the immaterial things though...
i feel like i am being slowly emptied out... of life, of meaning... of purpose... of joy and love. i am slowly being dessicated.
that could also just be me numbing myself out...
sometimes i just want to lay down and cry myself to sleep, and never wake up again...
i mean, what's the point?
nobody wants to wake up to be disappointed again.
i've let a lot of things run their course however they should, however others wish them to. i don't want to control things anymore, what with me making bad decisions and/or things going wrong and/or me getting disappointed by outcomes... those were the times when my standards were too unreal. not that i have high standards or over-the-top standards, just very unreal standards. but now... everything is slowly breaking down, and i am seeing a clearer picture of reality. and it's really, really bogging me down.
not everyone responds to reality in a good way.
ah. but enough chatting. i'll just go sleep. tomorrow/later is another day to finish some shit up for some people.
plus i'll be seeing you again. it should be a good enough reason, if not for its hopeless reality.

i find it hard to trust myself. in decisions, or talents, or abilities.



everyday i encounter something that would make me belittle myself.



i'm probably looking at it all wrong. people will probably tell me something like "don't think that way. think of those things as stepping stones for you."



well, it's easier said than done. it's not like there's no background story to my self distrust. if you encounter a lot of opposites in your life, you tend to just let things flow as they will, and find a way to adapt or make better of it. i personally don't want to make a lot of decisions because i find that my decisions are mostly flawed, or the total opposite of the best choices. i find that my intellectual capacity is not as high or as excellent as i want it to be. there's always someone better, someone brighter, more creative, more useful, more captivating and attention-grabbing.



i'd want to say that i'm trying to simply be myself, do what i can, be what i can be up to whatever best i can achieve. but no... it tends to hurt the ego when you see something you relate with, and it/he/she is better than you/yours. i feel like, if i started to "just be myself", then it would be an admittance of defeat. emphasis on the word "defeat". though "defeat" is actually not there, because no one wins either. it's just between my self and my self. my brain's control center and my brain's executive branch.



it's very frustrating when something very simple is slapped into your face by someone else, and you're suddenly like "why didn't i think of this?? it's so friggin elementary!" and... yeah, it makes me feel like i'm not competitive enough, i'm not creative enough, i'm not good enough.

did i see that right? you have curly hair?? lol that's cute :))

I keep remembering the ground up remains of a maya bird (sparrow? I think) on the road in front of our house.

I actually wouldn't recognize that it's a sparrow if not for the feathers and the shape that the feathers were stuck at. The bird was squished flat. There were some whitish, chalkish pieces with it which i'm just gonna assume to be bones scraped clean by car wheels.

It makes me wonder what the bird would have felt during the squishing. During. It would appear to be a very painful albeit very quick death. I wonder how the bird's consciousness slips away, and everything ends in prolly <1sec.

I wonder if what we call "soul" is actually just our cells learning to act together for the wellbeing of the whole. Like, maybe we have evolved into something incredibly complex, thus our cells can collectively pass information as thoughts and decisions. Something we call "thinking".

Maybe ethics is just our consciousness learning to live with other masses of cells aka humans, that's why there are still some people who act selfishly even in life-and-death situations. I mean, before anything else, we *were* conditioned to survive, right?

If this is what a soul is, then the belief that only humans have souls would be slightly legit, in the sense that we have learned a whole lot more things than animals have. But to label something with a name gives it a singular, wholly independent body of meaning. So, maybe, humans have souls, and animals have semi-souls...? That kind of measurement might be applicable then.

I don't know if animals have near-death thoughts like humans do. I don't think they do.

But with that poor bird... its cells would still exist, maybe in a different form or composition, i'm not sure. It will be recycled as dust, and maybe later as something else. Whatever composed the bird before, will now be part of the composition of something else.

But we don't have anything to record that transition. That sudden snuffing out of THE bird, and the creation of something else, maybe even as soon as the snuffing happens.

It's a huge mystery how that works. How life ends and starts and ends and starts again and again.

i really don't understand what is happening in my head. or my heart. "heart".

i am incredibly attracted to you, but i don't know how to show it.
or even, whether i should show it or not.
i'm very happy when you're there, in the same area with me. or when you look at me. (at least i think you do? peripheral vision reasoning etc etc).
i think you look at me... mmm... not really "a lot", but, in a rather observational manner? like when i'm about to respond to a question, or... when i'm looking at someone and observing them.
there's confusion going on in my head because, on some rare times, it feels like you're interested, but on most times, it's very casual.... i almost feel non-existent even.
i'm not sure how to deal with you.
i'd like to forget you too, because i think things don't really look plausible, possible, and/or ethical.

but fuck ethics. hah.

it's really just a matter of whether you feel a mutual connection or not. which, realistically speaking, you probably don't.

i've always made bad choices. bad decisions.
it's not helping that i feel so fucking left out.
i wish i could telepathically share my feelings with someone who's willing to listen and see.
but i can't, and i don't know how to talk about this.
i'm just so tired of being, or feeling, alone. i just want for someone who is willing to learn about who i am, without needing me to talk about everything.

this is probably just hormones. but i'm crying. well, tearing up.
some support would be really, really nice right now.

I wonder what runs through your mind when you look at me. You seem to look at me pretty frequently but at the same time, you also don't seem to look at me. Like... hmm. I dont know how to put it. Its like sometimes youre actively watching me while at other times i just feel like some sorta always-been-there furniture. Erm... it kinda bugs me.
Anywaysss.
I havent talked to anyone about my thoughts for the future, before today. It feels quite nice to hear someone say that i should do something for myself. "Yung sayo naman." This phrase/sentence. I almost teared up haha. No ones told me that before. I dunno if she could actually see the opposite in me, or shes just going with the conver flow. Im not sure. But it was nice to hear it from someone else.

You don't have to do anything to make me smile. Just be there.
I don't know how you could keep looking and acting so lighthearted, and yet i sometimes manage to see the slightest hint of irritation and/or fatigue from your face.
I wish i could let you know that you can tell me anything. That I'll just be here, to listen. Or talk. Or assure you of things. Just that i'll be here.
It would honestly feel like a privilege if you trust me.

I don't know what to write.
I've told her about my feelings for you. And how I don't want to go with it because it's mighty awkward.
She likes you, yep. Like, *she's willing to have babies with you* like you.
I don't know what to feel about that. Hahaha.
Natatawa nalang ako tuwing naaalala ko yung sinabi nyang ganun. Grabe lang ang kamandag mo ah. Laglag sya sayo hahaha.
I'll go to sleep. This is just breaking my heart.

I keep quiet
When heartstrings tugged
Heavy chest feeling
Crying breath
Heavy eyes crying chest
Tingling hands
Skin
Hopes losing
Doubts
Grab someone
Needing support
Standing alone
Not
Accept me
Help me
Backwards
Left out
Hugs
Crying
Alone

Would be nice to rest under a dreamy, starry night sky with you.

would be real nice if i could share a drink with you...

you looked so... tired, when you arrived at the office today.

like, i don't know. kinda depressed...? or maybe just tired of having to answer questions? just clearly tired.



i'm quite worried. it's been bugging me since i saw you today. something with your eyes?



i don't know how to voice this out. i don't want to trespass on anything.

but if you ever read this, just know you can always talk to me. i'm here for you.

Sometimes it's just better to not know this shit. Because once you do, you are suddenly aware of small changes, which could really be changes, just as easily as they could be errors, or system updates, etc etc.

I do wish you actually visited my page tho. I mean, it would indicate the least bit of interest. Heh.

I really, really, really miss you, even though we see each other almost every day. It's rare to find people who know how to laugh at themselves.

I still don't know you enough, but from what i'm seeing now, you just are. You are perfect. Well, almost. LOL. Whatever, i love you as you are.

i'm (probably) just reading into this too much. waaaaay way much.



my imagination really will be the death of me.



it's hard not to assume anything when a person has made a mark on you. if someone else does the same thing, it will be of no meaning. but if it's you, it suddenly feels special and different.



biases. ugh. driving me nuts.



i don't want to hope for anything anymore. it's just going to break my heart.

i didn't know you got off work early. i was wondering why you were so quiet. haha.



but i know that my office friend likes you. of course she can't be showy about it, being married and all, but i'm sure about it.



and... it makes me feel insecure about myself. haha. i think maybe she has more chances with you than i will ever have. she's fun and flirty and boisterous. i'm like, exact opposite lol. i'm not even approachable to strangers when circumstances don't call for it.



pfeh. i'm just boring like that.

I don't want to hope for you anymore but I can't help it. I keep wishing to see you where I am. I keep thinking of what you would do in my position. I keep thinking of what we would look like in certain occasions, like if we went to see a movie together, eat out together, go to one of your formal family events together, or just plain driving home from a convention together, talking about serious stuff, playful stuff, laugh out loud stuff and laughing til we pretty much turn blue. I keep wishing to sit in a cafe, with you, letting our coffees either turn cold or turn room temp, doing our computer and paper works, trying to lift each other's spirits up when a sigh escapes from one of us. I keep dreaming of sitting somewhere and just being with you, discussing anything that might pass our brains, your arm around my shoulders. I guess I'm looking for someone who might appreciate me and learn to respect me, and at the same time, someone who I might deem to be deserving of the respect and admiration returned. Am I choosy? Yes, quite. I even have biases. But what use would being together be if not to be productive and positive? Anything else would be suicide.

only a little less than 4mos more until this rounds out to a year.



i've been keeping my feelings a secret for 8mos+ now.



no one else can know. especially in the office. it would be drastic.



at the same time, it is pathetic to think that, 9mos, and still nothing. no strength to speak of it. no gall. so, no progress. no regress. no nothing. just a static noise, a background hum to my ongoing life. i'm kind of hoping he notices it, but at the same time, i'm afraid of him noticing it.



it might not be possible, i mean i'm pretty sure now that it isn't, but i still l



why do i pause whenever i'm thinking of typing out "love"



maybe i'm too scared to put any of this in writing. maybe it's not yet as ripe for the picking as i think it is.



but still, he is precious to me.

I wish you would also worry about me sometimes...

Good night, love.

Im only ever waiting for you...
I feel so desperate but also so hopeless.
But i'll keep waiting.

:(

What should i do? Why is it not mutual?

Why are you not there...?

Why don't you like me?

Ehh. That's not really a question.

I wish you do though.

Because this is really frustrating. And maddening. And depressing.

Sigh. :(

How do you translate feelings like this.

I love you but i have to keep myself from... being showy? From telling you. From letting you know. I just don't think it's appropriate. There is too much to risk losing. Including you.

Then again, it's not like you were, or will ever be, mine. Sad truth.

I wonder if i'll still think this way when i'm informed of a looming death date.

Gawds.

I want to facepalm myself. Slap, in other words.

Wake up you little idiot.

It can't be anything.

Don't dream of it.

You loving him is the wrongest of all wrongs.

Is wrongest even a word rofl. Sounds like it is, right now.

Your feelings are just emphasizing your loneliness.

But you shouldn't expect him to take up that missing piece. There are hardly any signs that things could lead to that.

You miss him so much though. His presence alone is enough to raise your spirits. And it's so pathetic that you feel that way over someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating your feelings.

And it's hard to tell your fears and doubts to anyone because... you are in a much lower plane of confidence. Or maybe you just don't trust yourself enough to keep it together. It feels like withdrawal is your go-to choice all the time.

You cannot hide your weaknesses forever, or use them as your strengths. They still are your weaknesses after all. Hurt is hurt, and naivity is naivity, and that can't be simply changed. You love him for all the uncertain reasons you create in your head.

You wish that you will be justified...

Confused feelings. Looking for you but not wanting to be with you. I'm just very doubtful of my feelings. Not sure how to interpret this.

My brain is getting in the way on purpose too. I don't want to see you up close because it feels awkward. I'm trying to look for reasons that will make me stop liking you.

Mind over heart. Yeah. Ok.

V_V

Tell the people that i am your love.
Be proud of me though i am small and under achieving.

Ive nothing to bring to the plate.

Just wishful thinking.

Everyone does look for validation.
But it's a very unforgiving world if we base validation on the speed of a job. The efficiency of money-making. The spotlight of fame.
I'm finding that validation for a person like me, who has no real dreams and no real, substantial, ladder of success chosen, is one of a societal role done well.
I'd like to think that I'm doing a good job of a Sam to some Frodo's.
And maybe that alone should be a legit source of pride and self-worth.
But there's also the nagging thought that I might just be lowering my standards in an effort to justify my misgivings.
I'm not sure which it is. But whichever best works to keep me from wallowing in self disappointment, I'll take that card. Whichever works.

I will call you "my love" in letters and shared secrets. I will dream of your company and all of the times when we could've shared laughs and cuddles. I will wish to be comforted by you. I will hang on to the notion that my feelings can be returned. I will keep on holding to the possibility of us.

Even though, the more i see, and the more i learn, and the more i listen, the more my heart gets shattered to pieces.

It's a floating fantasy that can drown me anytime.

it's pointlesssssssssssssssssss



stop thinking and putting meaning on everythingggggggggg



things are just being highlighted in your brain because it connects you to himmmmmm



you should try to do that with other people too so that you'll know that there's nothing special about ittttttt



: |

No its not a fake facade. But my courage only ever applies to other people and not to the challenges that i face within myself.

Im so.fucking.afraid of expressing what i feel to other people.

I have all these thoughts of being mocked... being taken for granted... being put aside as boring and unimportant... being rejected...

Im so anxious of things and so distrusting of myself. There are times when i cannot get past a doubt in my grammar that i would just keep quiet until i find a source that says im correct.

Decisions are huge leaps of faith.

My doubts keep killing me. Over and over and over. Until i find that i cannot move forward anymore. Or backward. Just stuck in place.

I wish... i just want support s'all.

I honestly feel like i'm gonna die soon.
It's not an emotional thing. Maybe mental, I dunno. But I really feel like my time is coming soon. Could also be because I have set my wish for death on my 27th year, although it doesn't mean that I would induce it. I'm just wishing for it.

Anyway, yeah, I feel like I will expire soon. I don't know how, or when. Just soon. I know that I'm not inspired enough, or even happy, but I'm not suicidal. I'm stable enough. Stagnant, even. But I'm still trying to leave good footprints, so there's no reason to actually hurry up my death. But it doesn't diminish the feelings of coming death. I don't know. I'm a little scared, a little excited. I don't know if that's normal haha. Ah, whatever. Just writing this up as a record.

Either there ARE too many signs, or im just reading too much into everything.

I still can't... no. Actually, i like you because you're handsome. Lets start with that. And debunk these feelings altogether.

This is ridiculous.

I miss you sooo much. Maybe its the bubbly energy, seething beneath the quiet exterior, that is very infectious. Though i think youre not really the quiet type. You just dont talk when youve nothing to say. I mean, duh. But srsly, i think you talk to peeps youre comfy with, and find it uncomfy to talk to peeps youre not close to. I wonder what would happen if we were put in a room with no one else. I think we'll just waste our saliva. Lol.

I love too.

But i want you to love me back.

I want you to appreciate me as i am. Fall back on me when you need support. Know that im there when you need me. Share your deepest secrets with me, knowing that im going to keep them well. I want you to come back to me after a long day, after a week of vacation with your friends, after a session at the gym or at the court. I want you to see me as home. As comfort. As warmth.

Im sorry that i find it hard to talk to you or open up to you. Im a natural listener. Im not a talker. I dont find anything about myself so interesting as to automatically talk about it. I like observing. And i find it... well, its not hard to trust, but... i dont easily feel comfy with people.

Its so frustrating that i cant make people fully understand what is going on in my mind, what is going on in my heart.

Why cant i have you?

I know that thats a very selfish thought.

But it feels like..

If people normally never notice you then its not much of a big deal. But him not noticing me rather hurts.

I dunno. I guess im just still hopeful for something. Something to happen.

I dont exactly need you to be mine. Just that... i dunno how... i feel like im always being put aside. Not needed. Not wanted. People would prolly live just as normally if i didnt exist. That kinda thing.

I feel very alone.

That article i read just focuses on people who are too focused on themselves. The only thing im not doing there thats applicable is believing that i will find love.

Its hard to believe in something like that.

Do i deserve as much? I sure wish i do. I wanna try to believe that i do. Im just not really finding much reason to believe in myself.

Im diabetic. Im not pretty. I can be witty but i cannot hold a conversation. Im generally just shy. Im not even that good in my chosen profession. And... ive not much experience. No actually. My experience can only be compared to that of an improving sociopath. Not even normal.

And so far, i havent met anyone who might be curious, let alone be interested, in who i am, which isnt much of a self, really.

Im tired. I wish for someone who can accompany and guide me, and not belittle me in everything. Not embarrass me to others or to myself. Not look at me shamefully. See my real value. Though i myself cant even see it.

I feel so fucking empty.

I miss you.

Jfc i miss you and i miss that little warm contact way way back.

MK Ultra.

It's like looking at a mirror and seeing the beauty and the flaws, but feeling that the reflected beauty is just superficial and not yours, and the reflected flaws are fully and truly yours, and that you are passing them off to the beautiful reflection that is not you...

I can almost see what you're doing, how you think, what you feel, how you decide on things. I can almost see what is happening in your life, except that difference are differences, and you cannot manipulate these differences into similarities, as that would mean fooling yourself into believing something not true.

But what if I'm right...? What if in 20 years time, I would be mirroring your actions?

It's kinda scary, kinda fascinating, outright outrageous. I want to see confirmations or negations. I want to see some black and white. All I've been basing upon are grays, and if this gray cloud suddenly opens up, I am definitely going to fall and crack.

It's so frustrating that i cannot reach you...

it would break my heart...



but i will also have to learn to understand your situation and how we are connected, and learn not to expect too much.



it would still break my heart though. hahaha. foolish me.



i do sincerely hope that she fully recovers though. if not for her, then for you to not worry anymore.

I sometimes feel like something's wrong with my brain.
My reactions are almost always so... out of it.

But anyway, you always catch me off guard.

I think I also love you for it.

I just miss you. So much.

And it will probably be another ordinary day on my birthday haha. I'm only really waiting for you...

Whatever the hell did i get myself into.

I am now only ever waiting for you.

I don't want to be like this anymore. Because it's not gonna happen. Which means that i'm just fooling myself.

I want this to end now, no matter how much i want to know you... :(

Secret lives~ secret lives~ how many secret lives do you have? Hmm? Who are you always texting? Who is making you happy?

I'm jealous. I'm jealous, in the sense that it's not me, and that i'm not experiencing the same (or more) joy and contentment in my life, not necessarily involving you.

I guess that's what makes you replaceable. It's that i cannot grasp your existence, and you prefer to keep it that way. At the same time, i can live without you. I can become hopelessly curious about your life, but it doesnt mean that i will keep on exhausting myself with finding out. I will try, and try and try, but you can't find something that hides on purpose.

Is it time to wake up?

I'm feeling the loneliness creep in again. What is life.

Can i see my future with you?

The thing is that... i do not perceive much of a future myself. Im seriously wanting of death by the age of 27. That number of years has made a mark on me. I cannot see much future ahead of my 27 years.

But i would love to spend my remaining days by your side. If youd permit it. Although i honestly dont know how that would turn out.

I wasnt dreaming, was i?
I saw your flushed cheeks. I swear.
This is the 2nd time actually.
I dont think you're that weak to blush from bowing down.

.....

Hell. I dont know what to make of this.
So much electricity.

Being blissfully caught unawares.

No.
I...
I'd like you to surprise me.

Something warmhearted. Sweet.
I'd appreciate anything, I think.

Actually, scratch all that. Not like it would happen. Just you being there is enough. Getting to talk to you would be a bonus. Like today. Hehe. That made my day. Really. Even though it's not personal or anything. Just that I could be of service to you, and you giving me that chance. I'm happy. Although, derp again. Lol. But whatever. As long as I can help you. It's a nice feeling.

During these times, you realize that you need other people to be with you. These times when someone actually is there but you still feel alone.
I'm seeing a lot of current and recent posts lately that deals with the love between siblings. I'll be honest. I feel kinda jealous. I feel envious. I can imagine how talks between sibs would be like. All practical or tough love or real or all of the stated, and yet you can feel that it is peppered with love and concern. I don't get that. I never experience that anymore. It's been like that for a while now and it's gotten pretty tiring, having to do everything and deal with eveything on your own. I mean yeah, my mum's gonna go call up the dentist tomorrow to set an appointment for me. But... I'm not exactly saying that I'm not contented, but... I'm looking for some sort of human connection. It is missing in this house. I'm just so tired. Like right now, I'm sure my mum can see how distressed I am about my teeth. But I somehow can't directly tell her about my worries and fears, my personal burden, the idea of losing teeth at this age, the embarassment, shame of it, how it totally changes your image, etc. Shit like that. I don't know who to open up to. I've shared my intense feelings of horror with my friends but I can't exactly translate it to its proper intensity, which if I had siblings, they'd prolly immediately understand me.
Again, I'm not sure if I'm saying that it's not enough, or if I'm just wishfully thinking of things... hoping... wanting too much. All I'm sure about is that I feel very alone.

JE. SUS. CHRIST.

JUST LOOK AT THIS BLOG, OKAY??
LOOK AT HOW STUPID I CAN BECOME.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

it's hard to contain feelings.
BUT I CANNOT TELL YOU ANYTHING.
BECAUSE.
BECAUSE
it would shortcircuit everything
it would cut everything off
it would break what is remaining
IT WOULD KILL ME
if that happens
it's a double-edged sword
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
but i do not want you to react
i don't want you to be affected
i don't want you to go further away
progress is nil
but at least you're there
YOU'RE THERE
I CAN SEE YOU
I CAN FEEL YOUR PRESENCE
i don't want you to go away
i don't want you and yours to go away
BUT I CANNOT HAVE YOU
AND IT BREAKS MY HEART

SO. MUCH.

Oh... i also still remember the smell of your clothes. That downy smell hahaha. That was when you were asking me about microsoft office.

I don't know why but... it's hard to look you in the eyes. I'm very shy. I feel like looking at you directly would result in the total unveiling of my secret feelings...

I want you. I so want you.

I love those hands. Those hands are so beautiful. So worked up. Sexy? Yes, though I'm not fully feeling it right now. Does not diminish the beauty though.

Perfect face. Beautiful, even. So childish, so childlike. Yet also mature. So curious. Determined. Precious, precious smile. Not a very photogenic smile, or smile face, but it looks so childlike. So carefree.

Good dresser, albeit rather old -fashioned. I still feel awkward over that polo shirt. That was hot. Would I want you in it? Oh I would. I so would, to the point that I'm not sure I want to see you undressed. I don't want to trespass that point, as it would make me lose all respect for you. That'd be hard to fake. Still, the polo was hot.

Personality... I can't fill this in, besides the feeling that you're rather secretive. Quite awkward too, I think, which is really cute. You have mystery because you don't talk about your personal life. But you talk a lot when you feel like it. You're a sudden burst of energy when you're excited. And you talk lots with her. You probably only talk lots to people you're close to. Which... I'm not. Which will be hard to build up.

I think, maybe you feel contented over your life already. Tired, even. Maybe you're happy with your family already. I mean, you seem close to your siblings. I feel a little jealous actually. Over your closeness with her, and probably with your sibs. I wish I was also in that stage, in that circle. But it's hard to initiate. I don't know how to.

I want to be able to talk with you. Chat, or share stories, or joke around, or share gossip. Haha. That kind of close. That kind of comfort. I want to see you beyond your work desk. I want to see who you are, what you are. I want to see depth. I want to build a character of you in my head. It's scary to think that you could be who you are right now, and nothing else. I don't think, or want to think, of you as one of those rich kids, who know nothing but work and money and travel and their own little nucleus. I hope you're much deeper than that.

I treasure those short times that you ask me things about work. It makes me feel like, even for a short while, you needed my assistance. I might not answer well. I mean, I'm usually just derp when you talk to me. I get disappointed with myself too. Very much so.

I wish I could fully love you. Fully adore you. Help you stay and prod on. Keep you happy and energized. Keep you laughing. I wish I could be there for you when you need someone. I wish I could be of assistance to you. Serve you when you need serving. Give you nice treats to motivate you. Or just simply to make you smile. I wish I could share stories with you. I wish I could tell you how heartsick I am right now. And maybe you would laugh at me, find me silly and childish, but hug me anyway.

I just want to cry at how frustrated and stunted and shy and useless I am. And to you.

This feels like talking to a concrete wall.

Why do you seem to have so much sickness? Or why do you look like you feel frail?

I'm sorry. I just feel concerned. But i can't do anything about it. :|

Jesus Christ get yourself together, ok? Please, at least, for now, mentally strengthen yourself. You're still too young to feel old. You've still got much to learn and places to go to. You still have lots of pictures to take. Don't just accept the blows. Fight it, for chrissakes.

I will never want to see you on a hospital bed. I just cannot accept it right now, that imagery. You're gonna live your life well, ok? Life might be boring but it's better than nothing at all.

And really, if you just suddenly collapse or something, it is so gonna send me to desperation. Anxiety. Panic. Jfc.

Sometimes i confuse myself.

I love you. Whether you're that kind or not. You also look really good in blacks and neutral tones. And that long-sleeved polo was KILLER. You're also the cutest when you're trying to figure something out and it shows in your face and your actions. Those brows. Hahaha. So cute.
I'm sorry that I cannot tell you all of these. Sorry for myself. Because it's just not appropriate. They say that you gotta try stuff while you're still young. Well no, not this one. I don't want people talking. And I don't want what's already there to vanish.
It just breaks my heart that you don't really seem to feel the same. But that's how it usually is, right? I'm fine by that, as long as you're still a friend.

Imagine a boundary line. This line is stagnancy. Some people go up slowly, and some people just vanish off the charts in one sudden drop.

I experienced the drop yesterday and today. It was slow, but it just went down... down... down... i was in stagnancy before the fall.

But then, things changed again just when i almost hit rock bottom. So now, it went up, and is back at stagnancy.

It's a weird feeling. You don't know if you're happy because it went back up, or sad because it only ever reaches stagnancy.

Right now though, I'm just happy that, maybe I'm not as repulsive as I thought I was yesterday. Still repulsive, but not as much, maybe.

I still don't know if that was a conscious effort though. I'll just be realistic and think that it was a bug. The emptying AND the putting back up.

well it... seems like a very abrupt end to the journey.

everything suddenly feels... it's like every activity is taxing, but i'm only experiencing the effects now. all at the same time. like... waves of anguish and remorse and self-loath...

i haven't even actively done anything hahaha.

i could be interpreting this all wrongly but... it's enough sign to show that, nope, we're not even "connected".

i'm sitting up straight right now because i'm trying to keep myself from breaking up, crumbling. cracking and falling apart.

what do you know?

am i that repulsive?

i guess i am. haha. i mean, really. no suitors, no boyfriend, no... well, 2 admirers from the past. not that i'm taking them for granted but... well, i rejected 1, and the other didn't move. oh and that guy. that guy, yes. that's about it. and then years and years and years rolling... with nothing.

...........

to cut everything short, i just feel like i'm not really needed or wanted. and it hurts more than anything, because it promptly removes all purpose from your life. it makes you empty. it makes you a shell. it removes all depth from you. there has so far been nothing and no one to make me feel like i have some worth. yeah, work. but i think anyone can easily replace me. parents? okay. that's supposed to be natural though. anything else? none. nada. zilch.

It's not diminishing. I miss you so much. I should stop. OTL

I'll be seeing you again. And there will be nothing again. Maybe I really should learn to set some kind of... level? what do you call it... for myself. Some bar. What does loving oneself mean? I think I'm just gonna go overboard if I practice it lol.

At the moment though, you're just way up there. On Mt. Olympus. And I'll just be gazing at you from down here. You'll just be something I can't reach and have. You'll just be a somebody marking months (would it get to years?) on my calendar. And I will be happy and sad, at the same time, whenever I see your name on one of the days, because it means I was with you, far apart as we are.

You're always... *always*... at the back of my mind. You never leave. You never give me breaks.
I miss you in a way that a scientist would be eager to see his lab rat.
I don't know how else to feel about you.
No open doors. No clear windows.
God is a goddamn joker sadist.
:(

"Do you have a boyfriend already?"
No, I don't.
Everyone's been too wise.
Yes, i know it's weird and late and not really normal. And yes, i feel lonely, and it's not as simple as being lonely because i have no companion. I'm lonely because *i feel like i am not good enough for anyone*. I feel like no one likes me as i am because im too... ugly or quiet or stupid or directionless or weird or childish or... i dunno... i just dunno.

Because they are pretty.
Pretty, pretty girls. With awesome wit and an amazing personality.
They know who they are, and they beautify themselves because they want to look pretty. The attraction is just a bonus.
Who isn't attracted to confident people?
They are noticeable because they bring a presence about themselves.
They can make people look in their direction when they enter a room. That much presence.
They can command. Because they can call.
They enjoy who they are.
I don't know if they feel any insecurities about themselves once in a while. Though i expect that they do. Because humans. But def not as much as i do about myself.

Do i have to be like them? Do i have to...
Ugh. It's just not me. What's with the air they bring?
I dunno. I can't seem to be like them.
I guess it's also because i see myself differently than they do themselves.
My priorities are probably outright skewed lol.
People are only trying to uplift themselves when they say that everyone is unique...