Hey, you.

I'm being incredibly frustrated by my current state.
I honestly don't mind that I'm single and nbsb at this age. What bothers me is that I can't get an answer from you. I can't tell you anything. I can't... simply be friends with you, even.
I don't know if I'm playing a game or We're playing a game. I want to know you more and understand you and maybe be able to comfortably talk with you. Maybe it would open doors up. Maybe it could help me move on. Maybe it could clear things up between us and I might find an accidental best friend (because I somehow think that it's possible).
So many maybe's and no answers to be had. Because things can get awkward. Because this isn't what normal people do or feel. Because I'm scared to start, or possibly end, anything.
I wish you could see this though. I wish that my entries in this blog would open my heart to you, in the way that words can't do for me. In the way that actions can't do for me.
I'm so sorry that I cannot say this out loud. I'm just not as strong or courageous to do so. I'm scared of doing this live, saying these things in your face, because it will expose me horribly - me and my emotions, my heart, my tears and awkward laughter. And... I'm just scared of being rejected again. Being put aside again. Being told that it isn't possible. Not being... held... as precious... or deserving. I'm scared of that possibility.
But I will do something different this time. I will put a lighted firecracker in the forest, and see if it gets your attention. I'm still too much of a coward to put this directly through you, but this feels pretty bold as it is.
Marvin.
Yeah, you.
You should know this. "Should" is rather suffocating, I think, but this is how I feel right now. I feel that I should tell you about this. My blog contains my feelings and questions from a year of admiring you from afar. Just go back through my posts if you want to know how deep this is, and thus, how horribly pathetic this is.