I missed you this morning... thought you weren't coming to work, hehe.
Erm.
Oh, that angle was really good, when i looked at you in your seat, while you and cousin were talking. I was a bit surprised. Also because i didn't know that you're already there.
So... yeah. That's all. I just missed you.
It's a bit... disconcerting, to get attached to someone but, that it wouldn't be any kind of mutual interest, so you're not in any position to ask or know anything. And anything that happens that's out of your reach... worries you immediately.

The little things. Like today. Muntik na. Hahaha. You're so cute.

My heart. My fucking heart.

I keep reverting back to you... such a tough habit to break...
All this pain and you don't even care one bit... which isn't exactly something i should blame you for... but, it doesn't erase or minimize this feelings cocktail of depression, self-incrimination, feeling worthless and all that... i wish i could go back to the time when my former self was not at all interested in you..
.

Oh you'll be scared of me. You'll be scared.
It's like every wrong person in exchange for that one right person...
I'd rather be alone.

I don't know what people want... i feel like maybe i'm too self-centered to understand others... and that would probably be my biggest problem...

I'm sorry for being such a disappointment...

mum has... brain problems..? some brain atrophy.

that thing i read in a crime fiction book, i think i could be right in relating her smelling gas fumes to a problem in the brain... but thank goodness it's not a tumor as how the fiction book presented it as...

but it's still a problem in the brain, and could possibly lead to dementia after some years, and i'm, or i've always been, worried about her having or developing dementia...

there are times, and this is one of em, where i really hope i'm wrong.

i'm not sure what to feel.

mostly worried.

i feel like... there's at least 2 perspectives, or sides, that are going to affected.

i'm... scared? worried? burdened? by the thought of having to care for her... though it's not that i don't want to care for her. it's more of being afraid of and not knowing what to do. how to care for her. how best to understand her.

and then there's the thought of, do i have to stop working and stay at home to care for her? do we hire someone to care for her? what should be best? what is expected of me? what am i supposed to do, or be doing?

and then there's also dad, and i don't know how he's dealing with this. i was kinda confused about why he told me not ask mum about the lab results. i don't know what he thinks of it.

i dunno... kinda wish there's someone who i could talk to about his, ask advise from, something... a little support. a little... reassurance, that things will be fine in any which way, will be fine in the sense that we'll get out of or through it, or to its end... i dunno. just something. i wish... someone could read my thoughts. my face. this blog. my worries. something. something to make me know that someone understands. that i consider this to be "going through something." i don't know if i feel restless or hopeless about this.

It's days like these when it would be nice to know someone worries for you.

And my headache has gotten much better but it doesn't want to go away...

You could go on imagining things... imagining that he's worried for you, imagining that he secretly waits for you, imagining things were different... but all of that is restricted only to your imagination.

You can keep on hoping, dreaming, but things won't change...

Do i work or wait? I don't want to force anything, even myself. I think of consequences too much. It's just my brain though, adjusting to a new mission.

I should keep this up.

I don't know what i'm looking for. But i'm looking for something.

Tend to like people who don't really remember my existence haha.
I'm... scared of... going beyond that, too. I don't trust myself enough to be able to maintain something so meaningful. It looks both exhilarating and burdensome, esp. because it involves someone else... someone you love.
I don't know how these things work. I just know that there came a time when i just wanted to tell you what i feel and don't even care anymore what the outcome would be. Still too scared to actually do it though, haha. If you already know, please tell me, so i can actually see a finish line to this.
I just really want to forget you now. The feeling of being... engulfed by someone's existence is incredibly beautiful and light. Addicting, even. Habit forming. But it's also very... heavy. I can't say if i actually wanted this burden or not. And i can't say that the attraction has worn off... i'm just choosing to overcome it. Just because it's much more realistic to do so.
Prove me wrong if you want to. It'd be a very welcome move, albeit a bit scary. I'd instantly change my course for you. But if you don't, then i'll just keep trying to break this curse, until i finally do.

I don't know why i keep hoping for a better turn of events... a better outcome... a happier one...
I don't know why i'm never good enough... i do know that i'm not at all outgoing, and i can be walled up too much... but why isn't anyone even trying...?
It's not just a thing of not having a boyfriend, a companion, someone who would adore you and care for you... it's a show, either just between the 2 of you or for the whole world, that you have someone who accepts you completely, wants to get to know you more, wants to take responsibility for you because you're just that precious to him... i dunno. It's just starting to feel like i don't deserve that kind of love and acceptance.