we ate at yoogane today. that waiter there was cute, and i mean cute in every sense of the word haha. he wasn't "handsome". just cute. not really my type.

but the way he spoke, geebus. he reminded me of him.

where are you now? why is it that i still can't find you?
well, yeah, i've already stopped actively finding you, but still... i just miss you.

sometimes i just feel that everyone's avoiding me for something i'm personally not aware of.

friendship is a passing thing. when you think you have found a new person to connect with, suddenly that person goes all... nasty, and you are disappointed again.

and disappointed some more. and more. and more.
and you can't help but wonder, "what did i do wrong again? what wrong did i commit this time?", and you will keep pondering because you simply cannot understand why you get a different reciprocation than what you wished for or expected.

being cold really helps, because you never expect anyone to be there for you, and when anyone actually does, it comes as a surprise. nasty people abound this planet.

people will never hear you because you never speak. what'll be there to hear?

but how do i speak out what i feel? i really just want to cry. for so many reasons. not necessarily any particular reason. it's just a general feeling of sadness and being alone.

any sort of human contact now even feels somehow alien to me.

i want to be alone, but at the same time i wish there would be someone who would just hug me and let me cry all i want. someone who would fully understand how i feel and how i am. that i wouldn't have to talk about how i feel, because i'm no good at that part. if i talk, it's always going to be... not enough. not even close. not even accurate in its incompleteness.

any person wants to volunteer? bring shoulder napkins. lol.

gruh. i'm just so tired of stuff that i really shouldn't be tired of. it's so senseless. it's so senseless to even care. and i just feel that it's not my place, in any manner, to give advice or be mad, because it just isn't so. i can whine all i want but i cannot deal change, or push it for that matter. it's just not my place. i'm just too small to do that, even though i feel so bad/affected about it.

right now, everything is so... what's the word... like potential energy is to kinetic energy is to no energy at all haha. tense? out of whack? err... unstable? anxious?

i will have to face the probability that i will be growing old alone. no love and no friends.

gonna stock up on anti-allergy meds now. have to be able to live with a dozen cats. lololol~

haro.

i just want to say that i'm succeeding. yep. sabi ko nga i can be talked out of this. the calm, the storm, both are done. now the waves, and then the tranquil.

the tranquil is good, but it is also deep and if affected, can go back to the storm.

but it is good nevertheless.

so, i already did everything. searched everywhere.

right now i can't think of elsewhere to search other than to go back to that hospital and stalk the shit out of you.

but nooooooo. because i'm not creepy like that and i'm too shy to do that.

anyway. i think i should stop now. as in, totally stop. stop everything. stop thinking, stop imagining, stop hoping, stop expecting. stop. just... forget about you. cancel your existence in my world. you're just a random nurse who got assigned to roaming the rooms of the new building's 4th floor. that's all. you're just a random nobody.

i don't know how long it's gonna take for me to recover, but at least i have... enough... things, reasons, stopping me from finding you. yeah? yeah.

i better get my life back.

tangina this. bat ko to ginagawa.

because, as much as i don't want to say it, attraction is pretty much 95% about beauty. and i don't have that. and i think i'm simply not interesting enough in any aspect. maybe even bordering on... someone to avoid, spiteful.

people only act the way they think people think of them.

aaaaaaand...

there's not much to say for me. really. i'm just boring. and this is a boring little blog of mine. hoping that, maybe, someday, someone's gonna feel a connection with me through reading my blog. and... i don't know, maybe be friends with me, understand me in the same way i would understand him/her, share stuff, grow from this stagnancy.

this is my outlook, and it's repetitive and non-progressive at all. i'm just... not going anywhere with my life. and maybe other people feel it from me too. i don't know. i'm just not... someone to learn anything from, i guess.

i'm just tired. just so tired of this.

i mean, this is me, and all that shit. but it's also getting rather boxed... just boring. just nothing new. nothing exciting here. nothing to be happy about. nothing to appreciate.

wala. wala na kong masabi. paulit ulit nalang.

nafu-frustrate lang ako. sorry.

sa lahat ba naman ng bagay e meron at meron akong kapalpakan. ni di kita mahanap haha.

hanap lang ha? online lang. di ko pa makita.

pwera pa dun, para nalang akong tanga na nagwiwish na mangyari yung inaasam ko: yung ikaw nalang ang hahanap sakin.

pero syempre that is IF napansin mo ako. which is most likely hinde hahahaha.

hay. frustration to the core.

soooooobrang frustration. tapos wala rin naman akong makausap tungkol dito. nahihiya narin naman akong daldal ako nang daldal sa plurk na mukha na kong baliw hahaha. e yung mga friends ko dun, siguro hirap din silang intindihin ako kasi sa totoo lang wala rin naman akong mabigay na info sa kanila. kasi wala rin akong alam tungkol sayo.

ewan. ayoko na naman talaga e. pero naiintriga talaga ko sayo e. gusto narin kita kalimutan para balik normal na buhay ko. bwiset kaya mag mood swings haha. bwiset din nagmumukhang tanga kakahintay sa sigurado namang wala.