I am happy right now... anxious underneath, but happy...
I wonder when the next drop will be...

I miss my hesrt..
Morning just-woke-up blues...

How do you do it?
Why do we seem to jive but at the same time, i become so scared of the jive that i choose to be quiet? You say you are dense but i really feel like you're not, you just choose to close the door on everything...
And it hurts. In all honesty, it hurts me. I don't think you're losing anything over this. But, I think i am. I think im on the losing end. I think i am clinging to you because you seem the kind who would not be hungry enough to burden me further. And thats the difference. You have everything. I have nothing. Thats a problem i can never prove to be inexistent.

I keep waiting for you. It's pathetic and pointless, but i still do. I still want to share even a small moment of my day with you. I agree with whoever said that this is one of the most painful forms of self harm, this... love. This illogical attachment that is not felt back. I don't know how much longer i'll be enduring this, because no matter how many times i've said it in the past 3+ years, no matter how still the atmosphere between us becomes, no matter how far off from my dreams this is, i still don't stop waiting, wishing, wanting you, wanting to know you more. I don't care if it doesn't go anywhere - i'm even 99% sure it won't - i just want to know who you are. I want that there be a way to ask, discuss, rant, joke freely about anything, any topic that comes to mind. I want us to be comfortable. But it feels like i am just an intrusion into your life. That i am not welcome. Like the door is open but you don't want to go in because you don't like what you see. Which i suppose is reasonable. I mean, we're not in the same league. And even in my league, i'm not good enough, interesting enough. I'm just never enough, aren't i? Never enough. Never.

Bakit lahat ng mahal ko umaalis... o ayaw sa akin...

Mabigat lang sa damdamin.

Sorry kung... kung di ko alam pano makipag usap sayo... kala ko kasi magiging madali. Kala ko magkakatugma rin tayo ng isip.
Ewan ko. Ang hirap mag open up.
Kahit nga sa ka close ko mahirap parin mag open up.
Saka kala ko hindi magiging balandra yung... pagkaiba ng takbo ng utak ko... e mukang di ko rin naman maipakita sayo yun...

Sakit lang sa loob pag mahalaga sayo yung tao, pero para sa kanya, parang... epal ka lang. Nakikisingit lang.

Namimiss kita pero yun nga... sana ikaw naman ang maghanap sakin. Ikaw naman mauna. Para alam ko rin naman na di lang ako yung nagpupumilit. Naghahabol. Nagpapakatanga.

Nalulungkot lang...

Yes, i miss you, and i wish that i could make you laugh as much as she said she did... yes, i felt slightly jealous... and i felt so incompetent and useless and boring...
But as much as things are awkward... as hard as i keep trying, seemingly to no avail... i cannot keep the charade going by myself... you're not a spectacle, and you're not an audience. If you want this, be a participant. If you won't, then i will not continue. If you don't want this any more than or equal to how much i do, i will not keep at it anymore... it is useless, and it just makes me feel more undeserving...

Before you move on, you first move away...

Just feel so disappointed with myself and who i am...

Im missing you a lot today. Missing your calm vibrance.
I don't want to suffocate you though. I feel like i'm already mildly doing it as it is...
And for all the chatting, i should remember that it's not anything special...
It's like, instead of the freedom i so wanted to occur, what i got instead was the daily reminder that i am unlovable.

saturdays. wonder where you are...

you made my day. thank you.

but it also scares me, thinking about what the exchange would be...

is it so bad to ask for someone who cares...

this problem is just nagging and gnawing at my brain. i'm just tired right now. i don't even mind if you don't show up or lend a hand. i just wish you'd be even just very slightly curious about what's happening...

is it so bad to ask for you to care...

but that's you, right? i mean, why am i even dictating how you should be. haha. i bet you don't even know that something's happening.

but yeah, i'm just tired...

***

it's making me think that all the good and "good" things happening to me, i need to either pay back or let go...

what now...

i'm being drained...

No one listens to morons... i shouldn't keep hoping that someone would take interest, would be concerned enough...

Hello baby... i miss you already...
I will never forget what i saw when we got home. Your eyes were empty. I knew you weren't playing... but omg was i wishing i could still save you.
I love you, my heart.
I'm sorry that i couldn't take you in no matter how much you wanted in.
I feel like such a failure because i couldn't take care of you enough.
I'm so sorry... so fucking sorry... please just remember, if you can, that i love you so much...
I'm going to miss your sweet little greetings whenever i come home. The cute stretches. The bonks on my legs. Waiting for the door to open so you could sneak in. Watching us eat dinner. That super sweet demeanor. You were the sweetest cat i have ever come across. And such curiosity.
I love you so much.
I don't imagine you growing kitty wings haha. Just floating upwards while still looking at us. But it makes me cry more when i remember that i cannot get you back...
I felt angry earlier when i saw your body. I wanted to confront whoever did this to you. It hurts that i couldn't do anything at that moment. I think you might have been hit by a vehicle, but i have no proof.
It was different holding your lifeless body. It wasn't cold, but not warm either. I meowed at you twice, imagining you would answer back, forgetting you can't anymore. Your blood was pooling at the lower part of your laid body. That part was warm, but uncomfortably so... like holding a blood bag. You were getting a tiny bit stiff too, i felt it.
Im still hoping you'll suddenly wake up and come back...
But enough of the senselessness...
I love you, and that's never going to change...

Fireworks provide contrast for darker nights.
I just want to disappear...

If everything goes away, it's okay.
I'm used to it happening.
It's kind of strange feeling alone all the time, not seeing any kind of realistic or normal futures ahead... i don't know how people see the world, but however way it is, they're lucky to be able to enjoy even the smallest things.
It's not that i don't feel the same way over certain things. But when i look at other people, they seem to have problems but could simply push the thoughts away until it starts blocking their paths.
Meanwhile, the only future i can imagine is living alone with the full extent of my freedom kept on my daily bag, walking around and exploring by foot the little nooks and crannies people seem to take for granted... because, y'know, beauty is everywhere, and finding a quiet place is a reward in itself. And i do realize that that is more of a dream than a future. Because the only realistic future i can see is one where... i'm not exactly happy nor free.
And if everything goes away... there is a certain freedom exchanged for it. And it's welcome, if it's the only thing that can tolerate me.

What Each Myers-Briggs Type Does In A Rut (The Rise Of The Inferior Function) | Page 2 | Thought Catalog

INFP

Cognitive Functions: Introverted Feeling – Extroverted Intuition – Introverted Sensing – Extroverted Thinking

How the rut develops: When they first sense a problem developing, the INFP will withdraw and attempt to sort through their feelings about the situation. They may spend a larger than normal amount of time alone as they work through which of their ideals and morals can help them sort through the situation. If they cannot make sense of their feelings, the INFP will incorporate more of their extroverted intuition into the mix. In this phase, they will try to brainstorm as many ideas as possible that might help pull them out of their negative headspace. If this also does not help, the INFP may default to their introverted sensing. In this phase, they will turn to tried-and-true methods of pulling themselves together – they will understand that they are under stress, so they will consider what has helped them in the past and will turn to old coping mechanisms. If even this fails to help, the INFP may fall prey to their inferior function.

What the rut looks like: An INFP in a rut reverts to their extroverted thinking. This normally creative individual will become fixated on making the most logical choices available and will lose their creative edge. They will convince themselves that they are nobody special and therefore should not pursue a life of passion. They may get stuck at a job or in a relationship that suppresses their creativity and prevents them from adhering to their personal values.

How to get out of it: To break out of a rut, the INFP needs to get back in touch with their introverted feeling. They need validation – whether interpersonal or individual – that their creative side is both appreciated and admired. They need to surround themselves with people who understand them and pursue a field of work or study that lines up with their personal values. Above all else, the INFP needs to feel as though they’re getting back in touch with the most authentic version of themselves.

What their return to health will look like: As their mindset improves, the INFP will become more and more interested in creative pursuits. Their self-confidence will grow and they will steadily give themselves additional license to pursue what they are interested in and passionate about. They will no longer feel the need to defend their choices based on practicality – they will feel confident that they are living in line with their values and that will be what matters to them most.

***
read through this. by the end, the only feeling i have is that, i may have been fighting too hard for so long, and/or for something that is not rightfully mine to build or develop...
still don't know if i'm in the right path haha. if there is even a path. if i am even doing anything to clear up a path.

it's possible i saw my kitty baby's remains earlier... tho it's been... a week? since we last saw her (i think it's a her but i cannot still ascertain when she was still with us). kitty remains were squished, obviously run over by a car...

sometimes it's nice to be an animal, because unlike people, they don't have very long memories, and are not stuck recalling certain moments of their lives... trauma is a different thing, of course, in that it hurt them too much so that it becomes part of their system... something their brains had developed a defense mech for. but when you're a cat, and your kitten goes missing, and you don't understand what had happened and neither have the ability to reason and blame... then things can be sad, but you move on easy, not halted by the death of an offspring, because the only thing you will have to be thinking about is survival... you don't connect your childbirth, your birth pains, to the existence of your child... maybe you miss the company, you feel that the opportunity to spread your genes is missing or lost, but you do not stay unrealistically hopeful, because everything else would've been put at stake... and that is a power that i could envy.

Okay i have definitely brought the shitstorm to me hahahahahahah

Things... things have to change. Things have to be screwed then unscrewed...