I cannot keep myself calm and unthinking!!!
I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep. I just want to forget you, you secure piece of shit you.
Jesusssss make this stop. I don't want to develop feelings anymore!!!
I just want life to be calm and quiet now. I don't want butterflies anymore. Butterflies that only serve to deepen the depression afterward. I don't want them anymore. I don't want anything to do with love anymore. It always just leaves. It never granted me what, I think, I deserve. And now it's a new guy. It's only ever going to happen again. I mean really, it's most probably just me developing feelings for him, and it probably isn't even mutual.
We talked earlier, he even initiated it. But look at me: an idiot!!! I don't know how to respond, how to keep the conversation going. I don't know how to keep him. How much more am I supposed to even let him know my feelings? There's just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too many obstacles... including my nature... T^T

You're a challenge to unravel.

Is it just me dancing to this tune? Or are we doing an invincible, slow tango?

I'm not sure. Sometimes you look like it, sometimes you simply just can't care less. It's probably the latter though.

I'm telling myself to stop anticipating anything or wishing for anything. Because it is very much against the norms and would result in trouble. But hell. I wish there was a stop button to simply push.

You probably look down on me...
You probably think, "oh she's just a kid. Nothing special there."
Or maybe you simply think nothing at all. Because, maybe, "not worth my time."
But, man would i feel fulfilled if you just wondered about me sometimes.
Just sometimes is enough.
But... i dunno, really... it simply might not happen... because it simply isn't in your interests...

Ah. This is a hopeless thing. I hope i can get out soon enough. There seems nothing to wait for anyway.

gosh darned accurate. i think i wrote something like this before.

there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.

aw geesh. i can't help it. i'm just happy today. hahaha. omg.

i mean i did not even talk or do P.R. or anything, like, no effort to lighten up, at all. i just did what i think is best and what i think i'm good at. and... i got complimented. excuse me. we got complimented. this won't happen if it's just me.

i'm so happy aslkdjalksjdfkjalsdfjals XD

The idea of going into reclusion feels more and more appealing... i'm finding it hard finding my place in this world...

when you talk with your friends, or are part of the group having conversation, and you feel like most of the time, you can't really contribute anything, and neither can you relate with them besides on the shallow, superficial level only.

yes they're my friends, and i'm their friend, in the sense that we could go to each other when the need arises, even suddenly. we could rely on each other. but i really, really feel like i'm the brunt of the pack. the jackass who looks stupid for her actions.

i mostly don't understand how they can keep being friends with someone they're annoyed with. but i also think that the ease with which i break connections comes from the fact that i never really felt close to anyone when i was young... i treasure my friends now, but they're handpicked. some could come as close to me as one of my private circles, and then i let go of them easily because i find them shallow, or boastful, or rude and senseless. but my friends, they can still be friends with these people whose asses i have already kicked. i don't understand how, and i don't understand why. and it makes me feel as if i'm lacking some universal emotion that would enable me to withstand people more.

i just want a simple life. i don't want drama. i don't want to fight irritating people, and i don't want to fight with friends. so i simply classify them into 2: friend or nonexistent. the rest of the world is the 3rd category: those who i haven't met yet and have no judgment of.

i'm guilty of easily judging people. and i am paranoid, soooooo paranoid. i'm pretty much trying to create a cocoon of safety and friendship and comfort, and if i find something that i feel could possibly break this cocoon, or anger me too much to make me break my cocoon, then i will force it away. it's probably not a good combination, but i have survived. thus far.

but i am constantly reminded that there are always several sides to a story. a person has a 360deg profile created by the tons of people that s/he meets. some people, like my friends, can probably view into that 360deg profile, and thus give my irritating people chances to prove themselves worthy. but me? i can't view into that profile, somehow. or, i am able to view it once my actions are done.

i don't know if what i'm doing is right, or just, or... essential, even. i'm not sure. so far, it's been to pretty good effect on me directly, but it also gives a pretty bad effect when i see my friends tolerating these said persons. maybe it's just my view, even, that they're tolerating said persons. maybe they're really friends, and i'm the weird one. i still don't know. i'm still not sure. i'm just tired of trying to put gray shades all over supposedly black and white stuff.

this seems to be a bit of change on my part. i'm not in love or inspired while i'm writing this, nor am i, on my former post. lol.

but i do think that, if i will be getting a partner, maybe he should be someone who would care for me, and i for him. the idea just clicked in my head somehow. i think it would work for both of us.

and... hmm...

oh it's a full moon tonight. erm, sorta. i think there's still a bit of curve being covered.

anyway.

i don't know what to say lol.

oh umm.

it's kinda awkward when you do art for relatives, yea? it's like, when you give it to them, it comes with a threat that they should like it, and put it up somewhere in their house... because if they don't, then it's pretty obvious they don't like it...
and that's the question: did they like it? or didn't they?
slap in the face it is.

recapping~

i feel like i have just gone through one of my worst episodes of... mmm... self doubt? depression in general? i'm not sure.
there's this thing about, something like, the only road left for someone on top is downwards. i think it hit me somehow.
i have quite recently just finished my painting of the black cat, and i treasure it very dearly. i mean, i'm really really proud of that one. i'm not sure if it's in any way influenced by my fluctuating emotions, which seemed to really show up after i finished painting. BUT after i finished the painting, maybe 3-5days later, it all went downwaaarrddsss... i couldn't trust anyone, got annoyed with everything, doubted everything, felt so... so closed, or how do you term it... it's like i was a tightly closed clamshell and everything around me was going away. it felt like being abandoned. then there's also me feeling incredibly sensitive, and being very judgmental of everything, to the point where i feel so out of place with everyone...
i'm sure it's not PMS because i just finished my period then TMI, but it was sooooooo weird and sooooo tiring and it was like being in a tsunami of negative emotions... i don't ever want to be like that again. i don't ever want to experience that again. it was aslkfjalkdsflajskldfjalsdlkajlksjdfkjas.

is feeling alone a result of the "victim" alienating himself?

maybe. i'm not sure. but i feel alone all the time.
bonding is hard. bonding feels really awkward. i feel like i'm in this bubble that separates me from everyone.

i kinda wish someone would try to pop this "bubble" to get to know me, because personally, i don't know how to bloom by myself. people around me tend to be very levelheaded, and yet also know how to "sell" themselves. i don't. i just tend to control people. it's like i'm imposing my dreams on them, so they would be what i wish to be. and yet, i can't do it myself. i can't do those things myself. yeah i'm looking for a bit of attention, the proper sort, the one where people give me attention because they think i actually deserve it, not because i'm doing something ridiculous to get their attention. but i suppose i'm just too boring and imposing to deserve it.

oh jesus i'm so pathetic looool

but good gods would it be nice to hear you talking again

The Meowness

it's done :) almost, lol. need to put background and a bit more improvements, but i consider this pretty much done. it was a very nice experience.

i didn't put this on my dA or fb artwork description, but this artwork is actually a way to prove to myself that i do have some talent in here. that i do have some skills, and it's not just my imagination or my ego speaking.

i've seen my friends do really good stuff. and... tbh it hurts me because it makes me think, "am i even creative or artistic enough? why do they keep drawing and i don't? why can't i find the motivation to draw?" to them, drawing is like their second language. to me, it's my outlet, and it is slightly more optional to me than how they consider drawing to be.

but yes, i do want to draw and paint. i love painting. this work is one of the best journeys i've ever gone through, to the point where i felt irritated that my time for it was always in fractions. i wanted to keep painting on it until i'm tired, then i'd rest and paint again when i wake up. it's that kind of motivation. that kind of vigor that i want to have. and this has proven that i have it. i just need to find the right triggers.

i know that it's not as good as other professional artists can, but it reassures me that, this here is proof that i have something more. that i'm not as boring as i or others think. that i can do well, paint well, and maybe even get better at it, and it would be nice if i could make myself stick to this feeling of motivation.

painting my heart~

so umm...

i am trying to make things work for myself. try to live a productive life and maybe enjoy whatever's already there. my depressing thoughts aren't really going away, and i still get/feel lonely mostly. but i usually forget and enjoy things when i'm busy, sooo... here's one of the things i've been working on:

i really really love cats. i adore them so much. i view quite lots of websites centering around cats or cat adoptions. they're like... they're emotional critters. they don't judge you, they just go along with what their impulses tell them, and they really love.

i miss my KitKat very much. he's the little guy who put scratch marks on my neck while trying to embrace me, because he got too cold from the bath i gave him lol. i was hugging him with a towel for several minutes before he eventually lightened his grip on my neck lol.

anyway, because i really love cats, and i saw this beautiful picture on pinterest, i decided i would paint said picture. i'm using acrylic paint on water color paper. 27cm x 38cm sizing. i hope i can finish this soon though. it would feel like a big achievement for me if i do, w/o fucking it up lol.

well, wish me luck~

I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.

Well, I'm not actually doing anything, but I wonder why I'm attracted to you. You're mostly not my type. You're not skinny. You're not young or artistic. You're... well, you're from a totally different profession. And giving orders is not a problem for you. You don't have good wrist shape, or good hands, or lean arms. And the more you talk, the more I'm sure that you're homosexual.

But I don't know. You seem to belly something else. (Pardon the pun.) I think you'd make a good mentor. Mm... and I think you're a sweet person beneath all that. Although you are really quite extravagant. Too extravagant for my taste, in fact.

I think I am just revelling in the assumption that someone actually trusts me enough to entrust errands on me.

I think I did a partly good job. Somehow.

And I feel like I'm not just some sort of long time furniture in the room because you actually acknowledge my presence.

I appreciate that a lot. Like, you have no idea how much.

I know I can't really talk so much in front of new people, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't notice, or that I'm being aloof... and you somehow see that.

Thank you.

I think I will just leave it at that.

I continue to embarass myself. Haha. Hahahahaha!
Ah. But I deserve no pity. At least that's what I feel most of the time.
Besides, it's been proven again and again that my opinions suck. And that I never learn. And no matter how many times I get e,barassed and eat my own words, it will still keep happening, I will still keep doing it.
I really should just shut up. I can't seem to change the way my brain is wired. Ot's like it's natural for me to judge, and fail at it. Haha! I want to believe that I have some brains but, well, been disappointed too many times now. I should just let that go.
What else? Looks like nothing's left.

Can someone just tell me that I am okay for them and I don't need to change anything and i have worth and i am beautiful and i am perfect as is and i am kind and i will always have a place in their hearts romantically or platonically because i just want a little acceptance and a little somethin to hook my existence to and not just something like i need to live to spread the word well jesus fuck i'm so tired and just so full of shit i wish someone would just tell me im doing things the right way good job dear you have earned the right to be recognized

Thats all thank you

No i just want to cry and make people understand why im being such a nagger and a nosy rat because they will just see the amount of words and the way i spout things but they will never keep it in their heads that im trying to wake them up because they think and maybe theyre right to think that im also as deep in sleep as they are

Someone help me please. Anyone. Give me a little meaning.

so... what did i become an artist for?

i suppose i could draw... a little...

but i'm seeing how my friends can actually draw... and i feel like i shouldn't even be in the same group as them...

i do feel out of place sometimes... it's like, why are you guys so interested in comics or tv shows or robots and i'm not?

and this les miserables thing... i don't even think i'm actually playing as Lesgle... i mean i haven't even seen him in the movie yet lol.

hmm.

i think i'm just trying to make a niche for myself, find out what i really want and who i really am or what i'm really made of.

right now, i feel like there are times when i'm just dragging my friends down... keeping them from progressing because of my advices or opinions...

sometimes i don't know anymore if they actually are special like that or they themselves are also trying to find out what they're made of...

don't get me wrong, i do love them. it's just... that feeling of being out of place sometimes... it's like we're all welcome in each other's company but... i wouldn't really be able to catch up with them even if i tried...

just feeling so... down. negatively placid.
and tired, overall.

i just wish things were so simple. a no is a no, a yes is a yes, and a wait means a yes but not now.

and umm... dunno. i just hate myself. this isn't an emo sort of thing ok. it's just... i hate that i have to live with myself. hate that i was born like this. it's not an angry, raging kind of hate. it's just... just hate. just don't like. i feel very inadequate. like my life and my being is the epitome of things that should have been done, but weren't done.

i'm pretty disappointed with myself. somehow. i think i can do better things, but when that situation comes, where i need to do my best, it's like my best is... just so average. just so unspecial. it's just something other people would maybe look at once and then pass by, or maybe not even look at.

i just don't feel fulfilled or able to fulfill what i want. what my brain wants. it's like a lot of things are stopping me. lots of both existing and nonexisting things. i don't want those limits, but i feel like i'm limiting myself.

bah. enough of this shit.

i am a fragile flower (of no beauty whatsoever, or maybe a bit, if you would be generous) who is looking for someone to take care of me. fully and completely.

i cannot supply you anything much, because i'm a weak little plant, simply spreading my roots day by day, millimeter by millimeter. maybe a bit of entertainment, but you will probably be bored anyway.

no, i do not aspire anymore. i have no dreams. seriously. i feel like i simply exist to do things that should be done by someone, anyone, who would exist to do them, and i was put in this position to do these things. to provide a little, fleeting entertainment, not really to be gazed upon and written poetry about; just a little flower among tons of other, more attention-grabbing, more exuberant flowers.

i cannot really promise you anything. if you ever learn to love me, then i might just give you sorrow when i leave. i don't... i'm not even sure if i would ever mean anything to you. maybe i'm just that little pest plant that happens to bloom a lot of useless flowers, filling up some space here and there. but i don't really feel any sort of importance. i don't really feel any kind of appreciation. because i'm not a plant sold in malls by hundreds of dollars, given to loved ones, or planted in assigned flower pots, to be taken care of daily. i may or may not get some sun, but it doesn't really matter whether i do or don't, does it? you'll figure i just exist like that.

i don't really know what to do anymore.

plants take care of themselves. not all plants get human or greenhouse care. most just thrive by themselves, all the while trampling over and covering the source of sunlight for other plants.

i don't want to be like that. i don't want to have to trample over other people just to get my share of the spotlight. they don't deserve that treatment, and neither do i have the right to do that.

should i evolve? into a new plant? a new person?

i feel like i'm nearing the end of my rope.

i don't know. just... i don't really see any kind of hope anywhere. i can't really see any sort of positive outlook to change into. and i'm just tired.

i think i'm just making things look special and complicated by trying to believe that i am intelligent, kind, loyal, stable, etc. i might not be any of that. i'm seeing a lot of signs lately showing that i'm not like that at all. it kinda hurts, things being slapped in your face that way, and it's hard to digest when in your younger years you were treated with grace and such for being an achiever who has no other life but school subjects.

i don't want that anymore. i'd like to forget my self image, and create a new one that is more accurate and less disappointing.

today is one of those days that i just felt the need to listen to some rock. it's both invigorating and tiring at the same time. very enjoyable today though. i miss this track. <3 p="">

i'm blogging more than usual. this is a sign.

you, korean guy. with the former emo hair which is now too short. and the muscled arms now that i didn't get to notice before (which i kinda don't like now lol, hence noticed). and the sleepy eyes and perfect smile, and the nose that i don't like because it reminds me of someone i hate.

the hell is with the cutesy demeanor?!

also, how is it that you can easily change face?!

and the bigger question,

why did you suddenly appear in my dream? you were leading me somewhere in the hospital. that's it. then you went away or something. i was expecting to still see you, but then i woke up. why??

and, it's a way off time to affect me! BoF has been over for... what... a year? 2years? it's way too late to call my attention!

i don't want to think of you anymore. it's getting silly. silly that i'm thinking of someone who isn't even anywhere as low as i am. you're way too high. you're up there. i wish you were just lowly like me, so i can at least try to reach you. but no, i can't.

i'm not gonna drag you down and be the desperate little bitch. i know my boundaries and i know who and how i am, and either i'm gonna get over you, or you make a choice. which is like, 100% impossible hahaha. oh well. dreams.

edit:

i seriously hate your arms. >~<
big guys are... ew.

i'm going to tell you what i think.

and i goddamn hell hope that you would see this and translate it lol. and i hope that if you do, it would be a good translation.

i think it would be a fairy tale brought to life.

i think it would be every hopeless romantic's dream, and they wouldn't really be jealous. i think they'd be happy for me too, and they'd wish that it would also happen to them.

i think it would be such a beautiful dream that i wouldn't be able to completely, 100%, absorb it, for how long my life lasts.

because it would be perfect. it would be... yes, perfect. in every sense.

it would be unattainable

it would be beautiful, but also stressful, busy, active all the time. we might even get tired after some time, but still come back to each other when we recover. when you recover, because i will give you more understanding, because you will need it, as dictated by your work.

and it would just be lively. we will be like teenagers in love. it would be an innocent sort of love, simply enjoying the company of each other while walking the streets, running from people, hiding, playing games, etc. it would be the sort of fun where we fit with each other like a 2-piece puzzle put right. it would be fulfilling, it would be wholesome, it would be complete.

..........

but yeah, i'm just dreaming, and that's the part that hurts the most. i don't want to keep losing hope on things that i dream of, but sometimes i also get confused on whether to actually hope for something that is most likely not gonna happen, or just listen to the rules of probability, telling me that, no, dear, there's only 1% chance of that happening. you're better off just doing what you would do when the other 99% happens, and i'm pretty sure the 99% would, not the 1%.

people are bound to leave.

people come and go. when they come, it could be a blast, it could be awkward, it could be fleeting. but they will go.

those who are lucky enough and stable enough get one or two close friends who will stay forever with them. but those like me... i don't know, i guess i don't have enough... "essence"... to actually keep a friend. they'll probably only feel that i am hiding things from them, even though i'm not. i simply don't have anything to tell.


this image is very nice. would be very nice. but i don't think anyone will respond for me haha. it would be nice if someone did though.