i should start conditioning myself to stop thinking about you...



there's just no way it could happen the way i imagine it would.



there's no other, better love than one that grew mutually. and i have had a glimpse of that love, and nothing else can compare. no other development can compare.



and i feel like i'm the most... off-putting, horrible, unattractive person in the world. although that is quite contrary to the glimpses i get when i'm in public places. i'm not saying that i'm striking or beautiful, just that i do get glimpses, and i guess that's a normal thing. i guess it's a normal thing for all girls, everyone can get glimpses sometimes, for varying reasons. but that it's not you... feels like i do not have enough beauty, wits, character, or... self, to make you see me. make you feel that i'm there.



i try to put up a strong facade when i can. a confident facade. but that's just a facade. i have a longing for acceptance. no, not just acceptance. i have a longing for acceptance and the feeling that i am needed, by someone who has learned to see who i am, as is. this boring, sickly, negative half-girl-half-woman, who has not yet found her proper calling, who feels like a goddamn coward, who is either rebellious or just a brat, and is tired of the everyday control she has to bear... if anyone can learn to accept and love this person, i don't know if i can love them back. i still live in my romantic dreamland, and it isn't even the total fairytale sort, but i do yearn for something like it. i keep wishing that you would help me fulfill that dream, but so far... nothing. and it feels incredibly... pathetic of me, that i still keep yearning for you even though all signs point towards the opposite road...