i'm a very jealous person, i'm finding out.
i don't act on it, but the feelings of jealousy do exist in my head.
i can get affected with small things. small, senseless things that come from someone who matters to me.
i feel like... the world does not want me to be happy.
though of course that's just one of tons of other perspectives. of course i shouldn't be blaming the world just like that.
but i sometimes can't help but feel deprived. of a lot of things. mostly immaterial things. i'm not one to have issues with material stuff. i can usually get what i want, but i don't want for much.
the immaterial things though...
i feel like i am being slowly emptied out... of life, of meaning... of purpose... of joy and love. i am slowly being dessicated.
that could also just be me numbing myself out...
sometimes i just want to lay down and cry myself to sleep, and never wake up again...
i mean, what's the point?
nobody wants to wake up to be disappointed again.
i've let a lot of things run their course however they should, however others wish them to. i don't want to control things anymore, what with me making bad decisions and/or things going wrong and/or me getting disappointed by outcomes... those were the times when my standards were too unreal. not that i have high standards or over-the-top standards, just very unreal standards. but now... everything is slowly breaking down, and i am seeing a clearer picture of reality. and it's really, really bogging me down.
not everyone responds to reality in a good way.
ah. but enough chatting. i'll just go sleep. tomorrow/later is another day to finish some shit up for some people.
plus i'll be seeing you again. it should be a good enough reason, if not for its hopeless reality.