just 1 more month until this rounds up to a year... on dec13? if i remember right. i officially declared it on dec13.



life is just passing by. it's like... being inside a cafe just by the street, sitting by the window, and watching cars whiz by. this mechanical creature carrying life in it, but not really seeing you sitting by the window, watching them whiz by.



i feel like i am... either being taken for granted, or i'm simply wasting my chances. possibly both.



i do not want to dare with these things. this feeling. but i also feel like, the more i let this be (which isn't really something i put effort in, mind you), the more stagnant i become.



there are times when i wish... no. actually, i do almost always wish that feelings like this had an on/off switch. i'd turn it on if i miss it, turn it off when it's not appropriate. like now.



i kind of feel ashamed of myself for actually feeling this. i feel like, this is very wrong. or, not that the feeling is wrong, but more of "you already know that this shouldn't be happening. you already know that he's just supposed to be in line with your cousins even though you're not related, and yet you're still not avoiding him."



but that's also what i'm trying to do right now... look for proof that my attraction to him is going absolutely nowhere, because it has no place in his heart. i can't find any kind of proof though. that's a pretty big problem.