there are times when you just want someone to be there for you. because you feel like you've been alone for faaaar too long.

i can keep describing this person, the way he is in my dreams, but it all remains the same: that he isn't there.

i don't know if he exists... i mean, of course we all have our own ideals, and i have my own too. but it wasn't called "ideal" for no reason. so, yeah, my expectations are pretty realistic... i think. but... i haven't really interacted with people too much, in the same way others are comfortable doing. i would probably still be surprised with a lot of things happening with other people, even though those things also normally happen to me.

i notice that i only ever - well, not really, but very usually - develop a liking for people i look up to. i've had 2 prof crushes, 1 mysterious guy who rode a motorcycle to and from school, 1 guy older than me (although this one, i think i only developed a crush on him when i found out that he also has a quiet side), 1 guy in elem-HS who was just this "mr. perfect" (handsome, kind, a bit timid, not rowdy, etc etc. very safe). i've had other crushes too, esp. during HS, the very short term ones that my then undecided brain dictated (i'm straight, fyi. it was just that at that time, my crushes were quite random guys. lol.) i noticed that i like guys who act... mature? or more like, like grownups. not necessarily mature, just... there's this certain aura about certain people... mmmm... like how you would sometimes call someone a child even though he is 40yrs old - there's also an opposite to that, and that's usually who i get attracted to.

but the 1 guy that i count to be my first love, is quite far from how i imagine my ideal guy to be. he's a total jock. he's not the cocky sort though, just really sporty, with guy friends from his basketball team. i never really imagined myself liking someone like him, but i did. and it sort of changes things. it opened my mind, that i shouldn't just limit myself to people i find very close to my ideals. because there's no such thing as ideal; there's only whatever's there, and whether you can start to like it, start to learn it, start to adapt to it.

but, ideals... you can't simply push your ideals away. you can't simply put them aside and be like, "oh, whoever comes is good by me." no, that's total bullcrap. i will not let that happen. i still know what i quite want, and i'm not simply gonna change that because "someone came by."

so... how... where is this ideal person i am looking for? how am i supposed to find him?
i've taken to the idea of not actively finding him. i just don't want to.
i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. no, actually, a total sucker like it.
so i'm just gonna hope that he comes by, or that he is you, because, you know... i really do like you, but i don't know if i should, and i don't know if i know you enough. you quite fit the bill though.