i find it hard to trust myself. in decisions, or talents, or abilities.



everyday i encounter something that would make me belittle myself.



i'm probably looking at it all wrong. people will probably tell me something like "don't think that way. think of those things as stepping stones for you."



well, it's easier said than done. it's not like there's no background story to my self distrust. if you encounter a lot of opposites in your life, you tend to just let things flow as they will, and find a way to adapt or make better of it. i personally don't want to make a lot of decisions because i find that my decisions are mostly flawed, or the total opposite of the best choices. i find that my intellectual capacity is not as high or as excellent as i want it to be. there's always someone better, someone brighter, more creative, more useful, more captivating and attention-grabbing.



i'd want to say that i'm trying to simply be myself, do what i can, be what i can be up to whatever best i can achieve. but no... it tends to hurt the ego when you see something you relate with, and it/he/she is better than you/yours. i feel like, if i started to "just be myself", then it would be an admittance of defeat. emphasis on the word "defeat". though "defeat" is actually not there, because no one wins either. it's just between my self and my self. my brain's control center and my brain's executive branch.



it's very frustrating when something very simple is slapped into your face by someone else, and you're suddenly like "why didn't i think of this?? it's so friggin elementary!" and... yeah, it makes me feel like i'm not competitive enough, i'm not creative enough, i'm not good enough.