why do i keep writing about you...



i think about you all the time, i figured out as much. lol. but i guess i just wish i could tell you about this... and since i can't, or don't want to, i've turned to a blog for comfort and sharing. quite pathetic, really.



and um... i don't know, i'm just gonna imagine that you're listening to me.



you know what... i can actually... see and feel myself deteriorating... i have several locking joints now... my left arm can get numb really quickly... also my legs... my lower back hurts if i sleep wrongly... umm... my eyes sometimes flicker on their own, and it's really really annoying when they do because i can't control em and i lose my focus... some of my toes, sometimes they lock in place when i move em wrong... i get a lot of headaches too... slight ones, beside the migraine shiz... and just recently, i noticed that my eyes can't focus on a very near object/text, though i could focus on em before...



i'm not scared of getting old. i'm not gonna lie though, i AM scared of the complications. esp. because i have diabetes. umm... i've recently read on some diabetes type1 articles again, and the life expectancy thing came up again... an approximation of -20years.



call me a fucking coward but i really do not want to see how i'd end if i ever reach my life expectancy... i don't want to have to depend on other people just to be able to do basic things and live... i'm already a burden as is, i don't want to add more burden... and i want to die in peace... there's already enough pain and depression without having reached the ending stage yet... and they say that you only learn who really loves you when you're in your toughest moments... i don't want to have to stay in a hospital, and more so stay in a hospital with no visitors... but i'm also so tired of being either the embarrassing star or the backstage helper...