mum has... brain problems..? some brain atrophy.

that thing i read in a crime fiction book, i think i could be right in relating her smelling gas fumes to a problem in the brain... but thank goodness it's not a tumor as how the fiction book presented it as...

but it's still a problem in the brain, and could possibly lead to dementia after some years, and i'm, or i've always been, worried about her having or developing dementia...

there are times, and this is one of em, where i really hope i'm wrong.

i'm not sure what to feel.

mostly worried.

i feel like... there's at least 2 perspectives, or sides, that are going to affected.

i'm... scared? worried? burdened? by the thought of having to care for her... though it's not that i don't want to care for her. it's more of being afraid of and not knowing what to do. how to care for her. how best to understand her.

and then there's the thought of, do i have to stop working and stay at home to care for her? do we hire someone to care for her? what should be best? what is expected of me? what am i supposed to do, or be doing?

and then there's also dad, and i don't know how he's dealing with this. i was kinda confused about why he told me not ask mum about the lab results. i don't know what he thinks of it.

i dunno... kinda wish there's someone who i could talk to about his, ask advise from, something... a little support. a little... reassurance, that things will be fine in any which way, will be fine in the sense that we'll get out of or through it, or to its end... i dunno. just something. i wish... someone could read my thoughts. my face. this blog. my worries. something. something to make me know that someone understands. that i consider this to be "going through something." i don't know if i feel restless or hopeless about this.