light coffee tonight.



i've been wondering if i'm good at anything. even at being someone's child.



i look at my mom and i feel like i haven't done anything for her.



my mind is kinda... slightly defending itself. lol. i think i've done some stuff. but it never feels enough. or feels like something she'd be proud of. not necessarily to talk about it, just that she would appreciate it. i don't think i've done anything that could garner appreciation.



my mom is rather expressive of her disappointments. my dad isn't.



and i feel that maybe my dad also thinks that i'm useless. he's just not saying it out loud.



i do want a bit of... comforting? maybe someone can tell me otherwise? i don't want anything that sounds like worship or fake, exaggerated support. but it would be nice if someone could, maybe balance it out... tell me if i'm enough, or not, for them... a bit of reassurance, whether i'm on the right track or not...



i'm really pretty lost.



i've also been thinking about when the time comes that i have to do everything by myself. budget everything. pay the bills. get the meds. eat. live. now should actually be the time for all of these, but as it is, i'm not really doing anything...



i saw a post about a certain movie with JGH in it. posted as his words. goes something like, if you love the movie go see it again and watch how selfish JGH's character is, being a lost soul and clinging to the idea of an ideal ZD's character.

i feel like i'm very much guilty of the same sin...