I have this constant feeling of being not up to par with anyone's standards. Like i'm never enough for anyone. And, of course the feeling gets magnified with unrequited love, but i'm not really doing anything to progress with it, so it logically shouldn't even count in the magnification. But it does.
Erm.
I'd want someone to notice my worth and be like, "you're a precious penny of the world and you match my pocket exactly." Lol. Which is also why i want for a guy who could be a real, close friend. Which is... honestly hard to find lol.
It's only happened once, and he - rightly so, for reasons - went away, and i decided to just stop wishing for it to recur or maybe take a turn and continue.
And he's now happy with his current love. I think they match really well too. And they both seem mature about their relationship. I don't really try to seek deeper details, whether they're as happy as they look, which they seem to be, because i'm just done with him and it's not really my place to do so.
I just remembered him because he's one of the better memories i had during HS. It was a mutual understanding, literally. A calm contentment.
Mmm.
I'm currently, as can be seen in my blog posts starting 2 years ago, rather infatuated with a guy. He's... pretty much perfect but for some quite obvious things. One of which is that he doesn't seem interested? Lol. Also that, i can't identify his personality and preferences very much, which would be part of his introversion i guess. I'm... wanting to know him more, but only quietly, because i'm absolutely verbally stupid. Which is probably one of the things he would most likely find attractive. I mean, the being verbally smart sort, which i'm not.
I could... list other things here that he probably does not appreciate. Emm... i've really nothing to offer to him. I'm just like... weed, in a flower garden.
It makes things... achey? Heavy? ... dull? Like being isolated in a glass bubble... depressive, is the word, i guess, when you subtly find disapprovals of different sorts all around you. And the things and people you give worth to... when they do not reciprocate the level of worth you give them, it deals much worse damage, because it's as a statement saying "whatever you do, you're never gonna be good enough."

I want to be better than these standards, in a way that makes me unquantifiable by those standards. But it doesn't mean that i want everyone to fall on their knees for me. I just want someone, who knows what he's looking at, to understand and try to unravel me, in a way that is not oppressive or obsessive, in a manner where we both get to know each other, and either possibly grow with it, or remain the best of partners.

And umm... i'm probably asking for too much. Too much compared to my worth. Yep.