Im lost. Yup. Im... i feel very... out of place? Like, my mind looks at a lot of stuff and looks for something from all of it... something i could connect to... im quite obsessed with my imaginary connection with you, for one. Then as nicely as it forms, it snaps off, one by one. Not just with you though. With everything. Sometimes it's just nicer to be with animals. Theres a very basic connection when its with them. But with people, it feels like a competition every day. Or like a right minus wrong quiz. It feels horribly alienating esp when you want a deeper connection with a particular someone, and none is forthcoming. Where do you put your value as a human being? Do you want to be treasured by just a few people, or loved by lots but not deep enough? Both are positive, in their own ways. I prefer the former, but i strive for a general goal of the latter. The former i still value more though. And... it's kind of missing. It's not... i haven't exactly seen it yet. Sometimes i feel so desperate to find this/these persons, and fear that i might be pushing the notion towards the wrong people. Same with my art. It's either i go personal or i go commercial, and commercial feels very much against my... my intentions. Or maybe im just not good enough to be both. As with my relationships. Maybe im just not good enough, in general, as what i usually notice.