i've already said before, before, and before, and so many more befores, that i didn't want this to keep going anymore.



and i've failed all of those befores.

habits are hard to break.



but time and time again i keep getting pushed away. not consciously, most of the time. but feeling like not being part of anything. not being part of anyone.



i know i'm stupid and useless and... just here for decorative effects. maybe not even. maybe just here to fill up some gaps like so. but i try. i try to be what's needed. i try to give what's missing. but i can see the missing and never bring what it is. i can see that something is something but i cannot pinpoint its specifics and bring it to people.



i'm just useless like that, i guess.



nobody needs something like that.



i'm even like that to myself. my memory. hah.



i'm just tired of being... last, or not even, through all my efforts. even after my efforts. all throughout my efforts. so much for effort.