there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.