Monday come fast... but not too much... i miss him but i still need so much sleep too... lol what is this conundrum doing in my inner wirings...

Also thinking about what new haircut to maintain because im bored with my long hair and bangs... thinking to get something semi short/long, since the cold months wouldnt be bothering my neck as much as summer would...

I also said i wanted to pass during this birth year... it's already going 4mos from my 27th birthday... just counting. I wonder if it's THE death or some other death that's gonna happen. But do keep it on me, not on anyone else.

Still thinking about the 2 looks i got from him thursday night. 1st one is very possibly just chance. 2nd one though, felt like he waited, but still more possibly out of formality. He feels rather lonely. I wish i could unfurl the book that is him.

And this thing happening with my uncle... i was never close with my uncle... and his aura was not exactly benevolent, but trying to be... but now that he's in his predicament of a medical crisis, it makes me think of what family means... and why it entails more benefits than other relationships... which is worth more, the fact that youre family or the fact that some people, family or not, will take advantage of your helping hand without batting an eyelid... judgment is a fickle matter.

im in that state right now where when i'm not doing anything, my mind goes awry, and i get into a i'm-not-hungry-but-i-need-to-eat-something state.



i don't want to do anything anymore. i don't want to be inspired by you. i don't want my thoughts of you to affect me further. and... i can see the pattern, i can see where this is going. i'm soon gonna lose my interest in everything. this binge eating is already a start. i'm starting to lose my interest in taking care of my health. my creativity is getting boosted by my discouraging thoughts and observations though. i guess it's my form of fighting back this feeling negative placidity. i'm just so tired of everything that it's starting to show up physically.



there go my thoughts again when i saw this pin, something about people being afraid to lose "me"... there are some given people like maybe some of my friends, my parents, some relatives. but i want to know if anyone else is afraid in a different manner... afraid to lose me because they'd feel lost if i went bye-bye... that very strong, very tangible feeling of being alone... i wonder if anyone would feel it when i go.



nah. enough of this blabbering. i need lots and lots and lots of deep sleep.

Hello sir.
Hello Marvin.

I have been keeping my secret from you. I do not know how to share it to you. I do not know how to tell you about what I feel without looking like an absolute fool, during and after the telling. I do not want to tell you because I think things will change when I do.

I am also confused on whether you should know or not, because mine is not the typical story of attraction. There are too many hurdles I can see. And what's sad is that the view is too unclear, my direction hidden. If you ever give me one clear, beautiful view of this new expanse to discover, then I will wholeheartedly take on all hurdles on the way to you. But, right now, I do not have a view of things. Not even a bad one.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into your actions. I most probably am, but a heart can be blind to its bounds when it is drowning.

You are special to me, but I do not know how to show that to you.

I do not want to burden you with my immaturity and slow growth with people. I do not want something between us if it is not a mutual undertaking.

But still, I keep you in my heart. My mind is broken right now, I cannot think clearly. But remember that you are always, will always be, in my heart.

Love.

I want to tell you about my feelings right now.
I want to write you that letter now.
I want to be able to freely talk to you.
I want to know what your reaction will be, whether you'll be happy about it, or feel nothing, or think me disgusting and to be avoided.
I want an end point to all this insanity.
I want either a new chapter or the end cover. Not hanging, blank pages to ponder on.
I want to hear you talk about it, so I can move on.

Because i don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to frantically search for you when i smell your trademark smell. I don't want to wish for you anymore. I don't want to keep thinking about possibilities anymore, both negatives and positives. I don't want to keep guessing anymore. And i don't want to keep waiting for naught anymore.

I'd like to think that i deserve better than this guessing game, but that i be honest with things, you're the best answer to my wonderings.

But i don't want to float anymore.

And yet, i also don't have any way to ask you about this...

i miss you so much. lately though, the more i think of you, and the more i wish to feel your presence, the more lonely i feel... it's not that i expect you to be there for me. i guess it's just slowly sinking in that what i would have loved to happen is something that's so far from happening.



and it hurts, even physically, to see you in person, and think i'm seeing good signs, at the same time being aware that those aren't good signs, just signs of my biased thoughts. nothing else.



i shouldn't have to wait for you empty-handed, right? i shouldn't. my inclination for learning and knowing things make this all the more painful, because i cannot get the answers that i need. it's like being stuck in years-long traffic and having the option to just walk home, but not wanting to, because it might move soon enough, and you'll be leaving your car mid-lane if it did.

I feel pathetic. Useless. Needy. Too dependent.

Validation. I need validation. For my existence. For what i feel. Validation to know that this is normal. That im just human, thus the feelings. I have not received any kind of validation for a long while. I have been living off of other people's goals for a long while now. I umm... i dunno... some kind of sincere appreciation would be nice... by sincere i mean... maybe an explanation that i could accept... maybe try to change my mind about how i feel about myself... i know. It's so dependent. I'm so dependent on other people for my happiness. I've been trying to make things right by myself. It has not been as fulfilling as when coming from the brains of others... because from others, i know that i have not staged it, i have not manipulated it. It means more, coming from others. It has more value, especially if coming from someone i look up to... that maybe someone understands the effort i am putting into things... maybe someone understands that my life is not easy for me... and how i think too much of things, maybe someone would understand that. Maybe someone could understand that work is my escape pod, and see it from the ground.
It's tiring, waiting for someone who could understand... ive been crying often, lately. I wish i could communicate my loneliness without talking. Because talking renders it meaningless... you cannot put intensity into words. I wish i could connect with someone easily.

I know that i'm not obviously indicative of who i'm pertaining to when i write posts from my hopeless romantic side, but i wish some sort of initiative would come from you... i just wish for it. It's just a dream. I want to be angry or sad. I want to be able to ask for something from you. But i don't really have the guts nor the right to do so. I shouldn't really be expecting anything. It's not like it's mutual, and i'm aware of that, and it makes it all the more frustrating. And i still want for some sort of reaction from you, some sort of care, some sort of afterthought even, some sort of specified presence for. And i feel so stupid for waiting for something that i'm not initiating, because i don't feel like i can initiate it, i don't feel like i should initiate it... because the worst kind of rejection comes from being put away to collect dust...

Gawds.

I miss you. So. Much.

I still clearly remember that look from you. But the memory is getting time-stretched in my mind.

I'm starting to develop angry feelings for the assistant. I'm feeling... threatened and... well, i just feel that she also wants for your attention. She talks a lot about what you do. She feels special. I don't know why i hate it when she's like that. Sometimes i think of "putting her in her place", but really, what place? We're just 2 equal and different people from different backgrounds. I just feel threatened with how she can easily get you if she wanted to. I think she's just stopping herself because of her life sitch now, and her fiance and 3 kids, and gossip. But she cannot, i swear, she. Just. Cannot. Keep. Her mouth. Shut. And, i dunno, control herself. I get pissed when she starts gushing. Because i do feel the butterflies too, but we don't react the same. She's just so verbal about it, and to me too. I dunno if she's not aware of the depth of my feelings or she just prefers to brush it aside to get the spotlight.

I hate when i catch myself thinking the wrong concepts, and start to correct myself, and realize that my feelings are pretty much baseless, pathetic, and/or shallow.

I love you, and that's all that should be said about it, or less. Nothing more.

i will never forget that look.



i still cannot decipher you after all this time. but i will never forget that look today. it was hesitant communication.

It should not matter that you don't really see me.
It should not matter that i miss you too much when i don't see you, and immediately worry when you should be around but you're not.
It should not matter that i wish you'd feel the same, but you will continually disappoint my hopes unintentionally.
It should not matter that you are not receptive... that you do not move first, or even, or ever.
It should not ever matter that you're so far away physically, mentally and emotionally.
But everything adds up to my questions... my worries and self-pity and self-hate... of why i cannot be with you. Why you can't see me. Why it feels like either i'm making all the wrong choices or i'm being the wrong person. Or both. Why i cannot connect with you. Why i'm too much of a sissy to be real with you. Why things should be like this. Why i should be like this.