i feel like i am being plagued by a million anxieties all at once.

i want to go away. just disappear. and let my thoughts and memories disappear as well starting the time i leave everyone, as there won't be any more chances of them contacting me or me contacting them.

part of me wishes that you will, still, remember me, but that's a wish and nothing more.

i find that i can't wholly relate with anyone. i don't know if it's my character or my life experience. but the older i get, the more i push things and people away, so whatever it is i may still learn, i'm also losing those chances slowly.

i don't want my life to progress any further. life is too uncertain and right now, i feel like i should be ready to some degree. age-ready. but im not.

i want to be able to live like others do. they decide for themselves and for others, without feeling either to be a burden. without feeling either to be a blockage to the other.

the only purpose, and use, that i feel i currently have is to be like an alarm. i call for help, but i can't help. and i'm not independent either.

i just feel so pathetic and overwhelmed right now.

i have been having repeated yearning for my younger days, when we were still living in our old house.

it was not.. not entirely peaceful nor ideal. it's a bit better now compared to before. but before, the worries weren't there. the feeling that... i can't leave cos someone will suffer. im caught between wanting to discover myself, following someone else's wishes, and feeling guilty for thinking these things.

i don't know who to talk to. i don't think people realize the depth of this rabbit hole. i feel like people see me as abnormal, someone with no backbone and no goals, just a parasite unwilling to be an adult.

but, am i not? right now, am i not?

 that's the best move i guess.

sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation in order to not get hurt again. in order to avoid building anger and jealousy.

no one owes you anything, esp. not when it hinders their happiness. if you're holding the solution, use it. it doesn't mean you become happy, but peace, you get peace. there's nothing else you can do about it, and that's the only way you can go around it.

they might not even know how much their actions affect you because they don't even know its impact on you. so maybe the best course of action is to un-know its impact on you as well.

Akalain mo yun, pati sa game na-heartbroken hahahaha
What reality are you living in, self?
This is why detachment is best...

daming namamatay. sana ako nalang.

My heart is just heavy.. i want to just collapse into myself and disappear.
I want to be forgotten, like i never existed. By everyone. It can't be that someone remembers and others forget. That'll be a burden.
There are still things that i want to do, experience, remember. But i think my health is starting to lock the doors to those things.
I think... the reason that i am frustrated most of the time... that reason is also disappearing. Like there's no reason to be angry anymore, cos nobody else is robbing you of that chance. It's literally just the composition of you now, and you have no say in it anymore.
I feel like a building slowly losing integrity brick by brick. Like a dammed river going dry. Like a noisy city with dying lights.
I feel the anxiety of and grief for my cracking, disappearing self.

I think my kidneys are shot. Or my heart. 2nd time getting edema on my ankles.
Anddd... i feel like... i can't get my life on track. Like there are obstacles even in my own home, in my immediate vicinity. And im just tired of having to fight or reason for everything... it feels like i can't find anyone who i can align with. Id rather be alone, but even that is not an option yet.
I guess im seeing the light towards the exit now. Still very faint but it's there. And im quite excited for it, to be honest.

Theres currently a feeling in me that's looking for something and not finding whatever it is (i don't know what it is either), and feeling so frustrated about it...

I feel like i'm not mentally healthy lately.
I know it sounds so cliche. Even to me. Everyone claims it these days. Not to say it's invalid, but i think some are using the term too loosely. It feels like the new "emo".
But for mine... i feel like i have to do something, whatever thing, even just eating at vacant times. Cos i feel so... out of it, if im not doing anything. I sleep, close my eyes, only when my brain tells me to (which is where my eyes start closing by themselves).
I dont know if it's anxiety. Ive felt anxious before. Kinda like extreme stage fright with the running thoughts and beads of sweat and almost freezing, not knowing what to do or where to start. But it's very rare, and i think it happens to everyone, that kind of very rare frequency. I think it's normal.
I think im closer to "manic", but that also feels too deep, too much, to use as *my* term. But i get impulsive sometimes due to these "hanging/floating" feelings. I think my and le fams health is stressing me out. My mood tends to change with tiny triggers. All i really want right now is to be somewhere that is completely devoid of triggers and worries. But what do i do? At some point recently i just felt so unmotivated to even play.
I wanna get back to that mood/mode where im concerned for my health, where i feel productive, positive. I know when the curtains open or close, but i don't know what pulls the strings.

not sure what i feel. or if im feeling.

ive no motivation to do anything. not even play. i just wanna sleep.

my mind (my other self?) is telling me to do something. to practice drawing again. to build what i want in subnautica. to go back to that online work thing and study it again. future something something. wanting to change my life and how to start and sustain it. even exercise. i tell myself i wanna go back to yoga, but im too lazy for it.

i dunno. i don't see much of a point to any of these anyway.

it's like im waiting for the situation to change, thinking i might change as well, but knowing deep down that i won't, esp. because even if some things go away, something else will immediately take their place, and my attention.

i think life, or the act of, is silly. we keep trying to "be productive", to what end? everything boils down to survival, dunnit? even those who study philosophy and science, they're like, "i wanna learn", "i wanna influence/improve how the world thinks", but eventually it's only 1 of 2 things: they wanna prolong life in totality, or they wanna leave a lasting impression.

we're all vying for an infinity that either won't happen, or will happen and result in a less ideal lifescape...

Continuously twisting hurricane wreaking havoc everywhere, all the time.
I wonder if i am selfish or burnt out, or both.
Why did u all leave me alone to carry all of this?
I don't want to be responsible for anyone anymore. Im so tired...