i feel like i am being plagued by a million anxieties all at once.

i want to go away. just disappear. and let my thoughts and memories disappear as well starting the time i leave everyone, as there won't be any more chances of them contacting me or me contacting them.

part of me wishes that you will, still, remember me, but that's a wish and nothing more.

i find that i can't wholly relate with anyone. i don't know if it's my character or my life experience. but the older i get, the more i push things and people away, so whatever it is i may still learn, i'm also losing those chances slowly.

i don't want my life to progress any further. life is too uncertain and right now, i feel like i should be ready to some degree. age-ready. but im not.

i want to be able to live like others do. they decide for themselves and for others, without feeling either to be a burden. without feeling either to be a blockage to the other.

the only purpose, and use, that i feel i currently have is to be like an alarm. i call for help, but i can't help. and i'm not independent either.

i just feel so pathetic and overwhelmed right now.

i have been having repeated yearning for my younger days, when we were still living in our old house.

it was not.. not entirely peaceful nor ideal. it's a bit better now compared to before. but before, the worries weren't there. the feeling that... i can't leave cos someone will suffer. im caught between wanting to discover myself, following someone else's wishes, and feeling guilty for thinking these things.

i don't know who to talk to. i don't think people realize the depth of this rabbit hole. i feel like people see me as abnormal, someone with no backbone and no goals, just a parasite unwilling to be an adult.

but, am i not? right now, am i not?