i will never forget that look.



i still cannot decipher you after all this time. but i will never forget that look today. it was hesitant communication.

It should not matter that you don't really see me.
It should not matter that i miss you too much when i don't see you, and immediately worry when you should be around but you're not.
It should not matter that i wish you'd feel the same, but you will continually disappoint my hopes unintentionally.
It should not matter that you are not receptive... that you do not move first, or even, or ever.
It should not ever matter that you're so far away physically, mentally and emotionally.
But everything adds up to my questions... my worries and self-pity and self-hate... of why i cannot be with you. Why you can't see me. Why it feels like either i'm making all the wrong choices or i'm being the wrong person. Or both. Why i cannot connect with you. Why i'm too much of a sissy to be real with you. Why things should be like this. Why i should be like this.

Whatever happened to you...

You. Have. A. Perfect. Life. And... i don't... really have any place in it... i mean, i'm... not really part of anyone's plans... not really that much of a rock, or a pebble, to make waves...

Umm...

I... i feel useless haha. I feel... like i'm only here to fulfill mindless duties..... like i'm only here to fill up some annoying holes... not really anything that would matter to anyone.

I'm listening to someone on the radio right now. She's talking about her brother (?) who died during his duties... and how she's lost her faith because of this happening.

I feel so fckn insignificant compared to her. To her pain. I feel like... i should not be... i should not even be writing about my feelings haha.

Been teetering along the line of... what feels slightly like depression...

The sad is just part of it. Though i think it's the deepest one. There's... stagnancy, and tiredness, and just wanting everything to stop, and suddenly losing whatever motivation is left to reach for... feeling both rawly exposed and 7isolated... mmm... trying to consciously keep my thoughts floating above destruction...

I want to binge eat and not care anymore whether i would still wake up tomorrow or die or be kept in permanent comatose. It feels uplifting to do things that break the barrier of human limitation. It feels like being in control, knowing the possible outcomes and choosing to still do them despite the risks. The result may leave me helpless, but the process is hugely empowering.

But i'll let this pass... i'll let this off... god help keep me sane through the times that i am alone and thinking things...

my feelings seem to come in waves. but lately, i've been wanting it to disappear. like really wanting it to, having 2 voices in my head, 1 still hoping and 1 commanding it to shut up. this last voice, it's trying to make me hardheaded and determined to stop missing you.


and it's working pretty well, i think.

but it also helps that you're not being "there". your presence isn't being felt. it's helping to psych me that there is nothing to wait for.



but i think that, with this... process of forgetting, i might also became hateful. hateful towards you. hateful towards others.



i don't know if that's a good thing or not lol. but... i'm also quite tired of... running after people. waiting on people. i'll probably grow old alone haha. or just be alone, not necessarily grow old.



i don't like it when people wait on me. i don't like to butt into people's lives, schedules, work rhythms. i feel like i'm violating their personal sense of value. i take small efforts seriously, and i do the same to other people.



i sometimes wish that there would be someone willing to waste effort on me. just being there, it's actually more than enough. i don't know if i'm asking for too much, that that wish would be coming specifically from me. but... but maybe it is a lot to ask, especially from someone whose hands are filled with their own life...

Mixed feels.

i'm... happy that you're just there. I can see you pretty much everyday. That familiar smell. That laugh. The rather feminine voice and tone. I'm happy to know you.

But i'm also frustrated for different reasons. That it doesn't look like it's mutual, and yet i still get those weird, random looks from you. That i don't know how to approach you on a friendlier, more personal level. That i can't see any kind of... platform to build rapport with you. Mmm... that i'm not sure how to go about this. I'm frustrated that, if it's hard to confess to someone my age and my league, it's so much harder to confess to you, because we're absolutely, entirely, on different levels, in different spaces. I'm frustrated that i'm hoping too much for something that doesn't look peacefully, harmoniously possible. And much more so because as much as i'm thinking about this, as much as i keep thinking about you, and as much as i keep thinking about my feelings for you, it is also as much quietness and hard walls that i'm facing from you.

I don't know if i want to let this go.
I don't know if i want to let you go, accept that you're just who you are and you're not gonna change for me.
All those INFP things tell me that i view the world through rose-tinted glasses. It appears to be true, and it's sending me further down the path of misery and disappointments.
I'm just... just really... meh, now. Just... a mix of furious, frustrated, hopeless, hopeless wishing, a still fighting heart, attachment and detachment. And it isn't making things any better or any clearer.

:,(

Sorry...

I don't even know what to think anymore...
I should just quit thinking about you and force myself to see this thing... this not-thing... as someone who doesn't have any feelings about this...
sorry for being so awkward...
I umm...
I got kinda worried, but also kinda jealous, and was very much clueless, about why you didn't go to work this tues and wed. Lol.
Erm...
I dunno... i... i was holding to that "see you tomorrow", which shoulda been monday, but i didn't get to go to work because i got really sick... and then you didn't go to work the next day... it just felt like... i dunno how to put it in words properly... like i have a responsibility which i didn't get to fulfill, and it has turned back towards me.

Sorry. Just getting carried away. I shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be like this.

...

"See you tomorrow"

I miss(ed) you. :(
But they didn't look worried that you were absent today, so im just gonna guess that you had a schedule of sorts. I hope thats all it is.