I cry

It's so hard to get over you... i don't know if it's just because of age and experience or if it's because it's you that i'm finding it hard to let go of my feelings for you. I also don't know why my brain is somehow whispering to me that you'll be the last, i'm sure of you. It's arguing with itself, myself, about how sure i am with you.
If you could please give me something bad to latch onto, so i could have something of you that is bad, that could tell me, and remind me on the years after, that you're not my one.

i wonder what it would take for me to confess to you.

i'm not seeing any kind of mutuality in this. so i don't really see any motivation to confess...

i know that i should have been over you, like, months ago. many months. it's been a year and +-5months now.

i wish it was easy to tell you how much i like you. how much i worry about you when you don't seem well. or when you're absent. i wish it was a normal thing to do. an everyday thing.

i want to be there for you, but i don't know how, and i don't know what my place is with you.

i still treasure the little times that you actually see me being there. being opaque and alive. i still appreciate that time when you asked me if anyone will be taking me to that birthday dinner. i don't know if the ice cream was for me or if it was just pure coincidence. when you offered ointment while i felt woozy at work. i also don't know how it happened that you got a flat tire near my house, when i don't think you would normally pass that route. were you really on the way to get me? maybe? pretty big chance that's a yes, but i still don't want to believe it.

i'm very, very unsure about a lot of things.

i want it to come from you clearly and directly. i want a clear declaration.
i do appreciate everything, IF everything actually was done to tell me something. IF. but yeah, IF. i will never be sure of this. i will always be scared with things like this. i want you, and i like you a lot, but i don't want another shot at rejection. i'm not good at dealing with these things.

if only things like this were so easy to share...

Vacations

I wonder what you're doing right now. Or, well, not right now as in right this moment, because you'd obviously be sleeping lol. But i wonder how your day was. How you spent it.

It's 4 days of not seeing you. (Though im kinda happy about that. I hate my pimples you know. Wouldnt really wanna show up with em. Lol.)

...

Ive been feeling sorta sick these past few days... and all of these pimples showing up on my forehead and nose, and these ones on my chin that left a buncha marks... i miss my pretty-clear skin back then. It wasnt as bad as this, with all these black-red marks.

So much for trying to be pretty. Having these skin products with me makes me feel like a prima donna. And its just facial cleanser, astringent, moisturizer and concealer. I mean really. Other girls seem to have a buncha vanity products, enough to fill a whole shelf floor, and they seem to love everything. I wonder if they do use everything everyday lol.

But besides all that... my cough is not going away, and neither is the blood/phlegm smell... it always comes back.

I think my deterioration might be quickening a bit. I dont know if its because im not taking care of myself enough or if this is really the road im destined to take...

...

Been a while.

I dont actually know what to write haha.

Im trying to live life for myself.

Ive been... busy with work. Preoccupied with the act of artful creation (wipes nose). No, really. Work has been both fulfilling and taxing. But im thriving. I like this feeling. It revives me.

But umm...
I still dont know what to make of you. Haha. Still wanting to figure that out, and not fall into assumptions.

You smell different. I dont know if anyone else can smell you. Im guessing they do though. Just dont notice it as much..? Or got used to it enough.

Ive also been seeing my flame from HS in my dreams. 2 consecutive dreams now. 1st one showed him surprised by my current look. 2nd one he told me it was us. I think im just being affected by his and his girlfriends pictures together. Shes a lucky girl, i think. Theres still a little twang in my heart, a little pain, when i see pictures of him. Though right now, i cant imagine why id liked a guy like him, haha.

So...

I just want to reach out to phd... in some way. I dont know how. I also cant really keep up with his chattiness and joyous demeanor, unless we mentally connect in some way.

I really shouldnt hope too much.

Sleep

Good night, love. I hope we'll see each other in our dreams. Good dreams.

so uhh...



it kinda looks like we've both built walls around ourselves.



we're both just knocking on shells, it looks.



or maybe just me, only me who's knocking.



you've prolly no idea but you've been fitting into my thoughts really well. i mean, even my slice-of-life dreams include you. kinda worrisome, kinda mind-boggling, kinda happy. but also heartbreaking, because it looks like it'll just be in my dreams. at least for now. if things don't change.



kinda hoping they change, in a good way. but i'm also not sure if this is something i'm willing to risk.



i mean, i wish it would be an easy transition, a natural one, not the sort where i'd (we'll) suddenly feel the pressures of friendship, relationship, reliance etc. emphasis on pressure.



i'm thinking this way even though i don't even know if i'll be welcome to you haha. i'm leaping great distances. i might need to run back lots more.



i don't want to think about you anymore. that same not-want as i knew i'd keep feeling as long as i feel for you.



i wish i could just flick a switch and everything would be back to normal. acquaintances as acquaintances.



no, really, 3+ years and still acquaintances, it feels.



pfah. too much hope. it's already starting to cost me my happiness. kinda like a huge investment. it returns, but does not return in 150%. only like 10-20%. then takes everything back.

Thoughts and unspeakable words...

Do you really not see me?
Do you really not notice anything?

Sorry. I know it's just personal preference and shit like that... i mean i know im not really part of... that area of your life... if you dont talk about it then it most probably isnt my business...

Its just somehow overlapping with my hatred for myself... for being not enough for anything...

I get so conscious when youre around that i tend to lose all my ideas...

Im just not natural like this... on this...

I wish that i could actually see some sort of... stimuli, reassurance from you. But thats a wish for one of the extremes isnt it? I mean maybe this is better, this friendship, acquaintance is better, than nothing at all...

But im still curious about you. Im still... wondering about how your mind works. How you think and feel. What matters most to you. Maybe your sources of joy. A lot of missing becauses to a lot of my whys. I just want to know you more, be able to appreciate you more, know how your mind works.

But this isnt exactly easily accessible to me... and im making chances smaller by being so awkward... im sorry...

I want to tell you all of this but i cant...

...

just after i rant about my anger and frustration towards god, you wear a friggin' cross necklace.

i honestly didn't notice it personally. the madam did, and told me about it. how it was so small and thin, and it looked girly, and you looked like a girl with it.

but i don't care what kind of cross you're wearing. i just know that you're wearing one. and right now, it feels like a statement of total rejection towards me.

i'm probably being too emotional about this, and being too affected over something that isn't even confirmed to be done for me, or in retaliation of my beliefs. but the timing is unbelievably uncanny, and... i would've wanted a little understanding, more than anything... i would've wanted a little support. from anyone, even.

not an ounce of it. or, not in real life, that is.

i think my intuition was right when i felt that i wanted to know ahia david more. i was attracted to him like i would be to a mentor.

he is, so far, one of the gentlest souls, both in the family and among all, that i've ever met. and i'm thankful for him being there. i will never stop wishing him happiness.

Talking talents that do not exist

It's frustrating how i can't talk to you beyond work...

I miss you so much even though we see each other every workday. It's like you're there but you're just a walking talking hologram...

I missed you. I miss you. I will always miss you. And that smell hahaha. It's stuck with you. I think I'll always identify you with that smell. Like i did before with my first love and his particular smell.

I wish that electric zap way back would happen again. That was definitely different.

Why do i act/think like i'm so sure of you? I'm so friggin screwed orz

Pokerface

Always hanging...

Doesn't help that we have such same personalities.

I hope a day comes when i could just hug you tightly and you will understand completely. And i hope it can be reciprocated.

It's just so awkward right now, with nothing to build on...