Confused feelings. Looking for you but not wanting to be with you. I'm just very doubtful of my feelings. Not sure how to interpret this.

My brain is getting in the way on purpose too. I don't want to see you up close because it feels awkward. I'm trying to look for reasons that will make me stop liking you.

Mind over heart. Yeah. Ok.

V_V

Tell the people that i am your love.
Be proud of me though i am small and under achieving.

Ive nothing to bring to the plate.

Just wishful thinking.

Everyone does look for validation.
But it's a very unforgiving world if we base validation on the speed of a job. The efficiency of money-making. The spotlight of fame.
I'm finding that validation for a person like me, who has no real dreams and no real, substantial, ladder of success chosen, is one of a societal role done well.
I'd like to think that I'm doing a good job of a Sam to some Frodo's.
And maybe that alone should be a legit source of pride and self-worth.
But there's also the nagging thought that I might just be lowering my standards in an effort to justify my misgivings.
I'm not sure which it is. But whichever best works to keep me from wallowing in self disappointment, I'll take that card. Whichever works.

I will call you "my love" in letters and shared secrets. I will dream of your company and all of the times when we could've shared laughs and cuddles. I will wish to be comforted by you. I will hang on to the notion that my feelings can be returned. I will keep on holding to the possibility of us.

Even though, the more i see, and the more i learn, and the more i listen, the more my heart gets shattered to pieces.

It's a floating fantasy that can drown me anytime.

it's pointlesssssssssssssssssss



stop thinking and putting meaning on everythingggggggggg



things are just being highlighted in your brain because it connects you to himmmmmm



you should try to do that with other people too so that you'll know that there's nothing special about ittttttt



: |

No its not a fake facade. But my courage only ever applies to other people and not to the challenges that i face within myself.

Im so.fucking.afraid of expressing what i feel to other people.

I have all these thoughts of being mocked... being taken for granted... being put aside as boring and unimportant... being rejected...

Im so anxious of things and so distrusting of myself. There are times when i cannot get past a doubt in my grammar that i would just keep quiet until i find a source that says im correct.

Decisions are huge leaps of faith.

My doubts keep killing me. Over and over and over. Until i find that i cannot move forward anymore. Or backward. Just stuck in place.

I wish... i just want support s'all.

I honestly feel like i'm gonna die soon.
It's not an emotional thing. Maybe mental, I dunno. But I really feel like my time is coming soon. Could also be because I have set my wish for death on my 27th year, although it doesn't mean that I would induce it. I'm just wishing for it.

Anyway, yeah, I feel like I will expire soon. I don't know how, or when. Just soon. I know that I'm not inspired enough, or even happy, but I'm not suicidal. I'm stable enough. Stagnant, even. But I'm still trying to leave good footprints, so there's no reason to actually hurry up my death. But it doesn't diminish the feelings of coming death. I don't know. I'm a little scared, a little excited. I don't know if that's normal haha. Ah, whatever. Just writing this up as a record.

Either there ARE too many signs, or im just reading too much into everything.

I still can't... no. Actually, i like you because you're handsome. Lets start with that. And debunk these feelings altogether.

This is ridiculous.

I miss you sooo much. Maybe its the bubbly energy, seething beneath the quiet exterior, that is very infectious. Though i think youre not really the quiet type. You just dont talk when youve nothing to say. I mean, duh. But srsly, i think you talk to peeps youre comfy with, and find it uncomfy to talk to peeps youre not close to. I wonder what would happen if we were put in a room with no one else. I think we'll just waste our saliva. Lol.

I love too.

But i want you to love me back.

I want you to appreciate me as i am. Fall back on me when you need support. Know that im there when you need me. Share your deepest secrets with me, knowing that im going to keep them well. I want you to come back to me after a long day, after a week of vacation with your friends, after a session at the gym or at the court. I want you to see me as home. As comfort. As warmth.

Im sorry that i find it hard to talk to you or open up to you. Im a natural listener. Im not a talker. I dont find anything about myself so interesting as to automatically talk about it. I like observing. And i find it... well, its not hard to trust, but... i dont easily feel comfy with people.

Its so frustrating that i cant make people fully understand what is going on in my mind, what is going on in my heart.

Why cant i have you?

I know that thats a very selfish thought.

But it feels like..

If people normally never notice you then its not much of a big deal. But him not noticing me rather hurts.

I dunno. I guess im just still hopeful for something. Something to happen.

I dont exactly need you to be mine. Just that... i dunno how... i feel like im always being put aside. Not needed. Not wanted. People would prolly live just as normally if i didnt exist. That kinda thing.

I feel very alone.

That article i read just focuses on people who are too focused on themselves. The only thing im not doing there thats applicable is believing that i will find love.

Its hard to believe in something like that.

Do i deserve as much? I sure wish i do. I wanna try to believe that i do. Im just not really finding much reason to believe in myself.

Im diabetic. Im not pretty. I can be witty but i cannot hold a conversation. Im generally just shy. Im not even that good in my chosen profession. And... ive not much experience. No actually. My experience can only be compared to that of an improving sociopath. Not even normal.

And so far, i havent met anyone who might be curious, let alone be interested, in who i am, which isnt much of a self, really.

Im tired. I wish for someone who can accompany and guide me, and not belittle me in everything. Not embarrass me to others or to myself. Not look at me shamefully. See my real value. Though i myself cant even see it.

I feel so fucking empty.