is feeling alone a result of the "victim" alienating himself?

maybe. i'm not sure. but i feel alone all the time.
bonding is hard. bonding feels really awkward. i feel like i'm in this bubble that separates me from everyone.

i kinda wish someone would try to pop this "bubble" to get to know me, because personally, i don't know how to bloom by myself. people around me tend to be very levelheaded, and yet also know how to "sell" themselves. i don't. i just tend to control people. it's like i'm imposing my dreams on them, so they would be what i wish to be. and yet, i can't do it myself. i can't do those things myself. yeah i'm looking for a bit of attention, the proper sort, the one where people give me attention because they think i actually deserve it, not because i'm doing something ridiculous to get their attention. but i suppose i'm just too boring and imposing to deserve it.

oh jesus i'm so pathetic looool

but good gods would it be nice to hear you talking again

The Meowness

it's done :) almost, lol. need to put background and a bit more improvements, but i consider this pretty much done. it was a very nice experience.

i didn't put this on my dA or fb artwork description, but this artwork is actually a way to prove to myself that i do have some talent in here. that i do have some skills, and it's not just my imagination or my ego speaking.

i've seen my friends do really good stuff. and... tbh it hurts me because it makes me think, "am i even creative or artistic enough? why do they keep drawing and i don't? why can't i find the motivation to draw?" to them, drawing is like their second language. to me, it's my outlet, and it is slightly more optional to me than how they consider drawing to be.

but yes, i do want to draw and paint. i love painting. this work is one of the best journeys i've ever gone through, to the point where i felt irritated that my time for it was always in fractions. i wanted to keep painting on it until i'm tired, then i'd rest and paint again when i wake up. it's that kind of motivation. that kind of vigor that i want to have. and this has proven that i have it. i just need to find the right triggers.

i know that it's not as good as other professional artists can, but it reassures me that, this here is proof that i have something more. that i'm not as boring as i or others think. that i can do well, paint well, and maybe even get better at it, and it would be nice if i could make myself stick to this feeling of motivation.

painting my heart~

so umm...

i am trying to make things work for myself. try to live a productive life and maybe enjoy whatever's already there. my depressing thoughts aren't really going away, and i still get/feel lonely mostly. but i usually forget and enjoy things when i'm busy, sooo... here's one of the things i've been working on:

i really really love cats. i adore them so much. i view quite lots of websites centering around cats or cat adoptions. they're like... they're emotional critters. they don't judge you, they just go along with what their impulses tell them, and they really love.

i miss my KitKat very much. he's the little guy who put scratch marks on my neck while trying to embrace me, because he got too cold from the bath i gave him lol. i was hugging him with a towel for several minutes before he eventually lightened his grip on my neck lol.

anyway, because i really love cats, and i saw this beautiful picture on pinterest, i decided i would paint said picture. i'm using acrylic paint on water color paper. 27cm x 38cm sizing. i hope i can finish this soon though. it would feel like a big achievement for me if i do, w/o fucking it up lol.

well, wish me luck~

I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.

Well, I'm not actually doing anything, but I wonder why I'm attracted to you. You're mostly not my type. You're not skinny. You're not young or artistic. You're... well, you're from a totally different profession. And giving orders is not a problem for you. You don't have good wrist shape, or good hands, or lean arms. And the more you talk, the more I'm sure that you're homosexual.

But I don't know. You seem to belly something else. (Pardon the pun.) I think you'd make a good mentor. Mm... and I think you're a sweet person beneath all that. Although you are really quite extravagant. Too extravagant for my taste, in fact.

I think I am just revelling in the assumption that someone actually trusts me enough to entrust errands on me.

I think I did a partly good job. Somehow.

And I feel like I'm not just some sort of long time furniture in the room because you actually acknowledge my presence.

I appreciate that a lot. Like, you have no idea how much.

I know I can't really talk so much in front of new people, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't notice, or that I'm being aloof... and you somehow see that.

Thank you.

I think I will just leave it at that.

I continue to embarass myself. Haha. Hahahahaha!
Ah. But I deserve no pity. At least that's what I feel most of the time.
Besides, it's been proven again and again that my opinions suck. And that I never learn. And no matter how many times I get e,barassed and eat my own words, it will still keep happening, I will still keep doing it.
I really should just shut up. I can't seem to change the way my brain is wired. Ot's like it's natural for me to judge, and fail at it. Haha! I want to believe that I have some brains but, well, been disappointed too many times now. I should just let that go.
What else? Looks like nothing's left.

Can someone just tell me that I am okay for them and I don't need to change anything and i have worth and i am beautiful and i am perfect as is and i am kind and i will always have a place in their hearts romantically or platonically because i just want a little acceptance and a little somethin to hook my existence to and not just something like i need to live to spread the word well jesus fuck i'm so tired and just so full of shit i wish someone would just tell me im doing things the right way good job dear you have earned the right to be recognized

Thats all thank you

No i just want to cry and make people understand why im being such a nagger and a nosy rat because they will just see the amount of words and the way i spout things but they will never keep it in their heads that im trying to wake them up because they think and maybe theyre right to think that im also as deep in sleep as they are

Someone help me please. Anyone. Give me a little meaning.

so... what did i become an artist for?

i suppose i could draw... a little...

but i'm seeing how my friends can actually draw... and i feel like i shouldn't even be in the same group as them...

i do feel out of place sometimes... it's like, why are you guys so interested in comics or tv shows or robots and i'm not?

and this les miserables thing... i don't even think i'm actually playing as Lesgle... i mean i haven't even seen him in the movie yet lol.

hmm.

i think i'm just trying to make a niche for myself, find out what i really want and who i really am or what i'm really made of.

right now, i feel like there are times when i'm just dragging my friends down... keeping them from progressing because of my advices or opinions...

sometimes i don't know anymore if they actually are special like that or they themselves are also trying to find out what they're made of...

don't get me wrong, i do love them. it's just... that feeling of being out of place sometimes... it's like we're all welcome in each other's company but... i wouldn't really be able to catch up with them even if i tried...

just feeling so... down. negatively placid.
and tired, overall.

i just wish things were so simple. a no is a no, a yes is a yes, and a wait means a yes but not now.

and umm... dunno. i just hate myself. this isn't an emo sort of thing ok. it's just... i hate that i have to live with myself. hate that i was born like this. it's not an angry, raging kind of hate. it's just... just hate. just don't like. i feel very inadequate. like my life and my being is the epitome of things that should have been done, but weren't done.

i'm pretty disappointed with myself. somehow. i think i can do better things, but when that situation comes, where i need to do my best, it's like my best is... just so average. just so unspecial. it's just something other people would maybe look at once and then pass by, or maybe not even look at.

i just don't feel fulfilled or able to fulfill what i want. what my brain wants. it's like a lot of things are stopping me. lots of both existing and nonexisting things. i don't want those limits, but i feel like i'm limiting myself.

bah. enough of this shit.

i am a fragile flower (of no beauty whatsoever, or maybe a bit, if you would be generous) who is looking for someone to take care of me. fully and completely.

i cannot supply you anything much, because i'm a weak little plant, simply spreading my roots day by day, millimeter by millimeter. maybe a bit of entertainment, but you will probably be bored anyway.

no, i do not aspire anymore. i have no dreams. seriously. i feel like i simply exist to do things that should be done by someone, anyone, who would exist to do them, and i was put in this position to do these things. to provide a little, fleeting entertainment, not really to be gazed upon and written poetry about; just a little flower among tons of other, more attention-grabbing, more exuberant flowers.

i cannot really promise you anything. if you ever learn to love me, then i might just give you sorrow when i leave. i don't... i'm not even sure if i would ever mean anything to you. maybe i'm just that little pest plant that happens to bloom a lot of useless flowers, filling up some space here and there. but i don't really feel any sort of importance. i don't really feel any kind of appreciation. because i'm not a plant sold in malls by hundreds of dollars, given to loved ones, or planted in assigned flower pots, to be taken care of daily. i may or may not get some sun, but it doesn't really matter whether i do or don't, does it? you'll figure i just exist like that.

i don't really know what to do anymore.

plants take care of themselves. not all plants get human or greenhouse care. most just thrive by themselves, all the while trampling over and covering the source of sunlight for other plants.

i don't want to be like that. i don't want to have to trample over other people just to get my share of the spotlight. they don't deserve that treatment, and neither do i have the right to do that.

should i evolve? into a new plant? a new person?

i feel like i'm nearing the end of my rope.

i don't know. just... i don't really see any kind of hope anywhere. i can't really see any sort of positive outlook to change into. and i'm just tired.

i think i'm just making things look special and complicated by trying to believe that i am intelligent, kind, loyal, stable, etc. i might not be any of that. i'm seeing a lot of signs lately showing that i'm not like that at all. it kinda hurts, things being slapped in your face that way, and it's hard to digest when in your younger years you were treated with grace and such for being an achiever who has no other life but school subjects.

i don't want that anymore. i'd like to forget my self image, and create a new one that is more accurate and less disappointing.