ay. dapat maging manhid. kundi masasaktan lang.
sorry nalang kay FSM.
hurts bad. really. lalo na kasi alam ko yung tipo nya at alam kong wala akong binatbat dun. so alam ko ring umaasa lang ako. and yet di pa ko tumitigil.
first time ko nagrespond sa kanya matter of fact-ly kanina. and it felt like an achievement on my part because... because. i dont know why, other than that i looked a little rude and it felt like i pushed him off more. it felt like an achievement where i want to forget him. but it felt so much like a failure in trying to know him better.
and right now, i think i can feel the failure more than the achievement. i might get depressed again.
20080917
20080910
gusto ko na umiyaaaaaak pero walang luhang lumalabas e. tsaka ayaw kong humikbi. pero gusto ko na talaga bawasan yung mga bagay na nagpapabigat sa puso ko. di lang to love life. kahit pano di naman ako ganoon ka lulong. marami pa kong ibang problema na di ko kayang bigyang boses. at sa tingin ko tama lang na di bigyang boses yung mga problemang yon, kasi kahit gamitan ko ng salita yung problema ko, di parin kayang i-describe ng salita yung nararamdaman ko. sana katulad sa eragon, alam nila yung mga real names ng bagay bagay tulad ng apoy, na ang tunay na pangalan ay brisingr. ganoon lang kadali. at di ka pwedeng magsinungaling pag ginamit mo ang old language. sana ganoon din sa totoong buhay. hahanap ka lang ng isang salita, tapos pag nasabi mo yung salitang yun... poof! wala ka nang kunsumisyon. ganoon kadali.
masarap mabuhay pag alam mo ang ginagawa mo at meron kang kasamang pwede mong pagsabihan ng kahit ano. si briks, thank you sobra sa lahat ng oras na nakinig ka sa rants ko, whether good or bad rants. you don't know how much it means to me and how much it helps me get through the day. oo may blog ako pero di nakakapagreact ang blog. tsaka kahit pano parehas tayong nakakakuha ng payo sa isa't isa tsaka parehas tayo ng nararamdaman sa ngayon. parehas din tayong problemado sa love life hahahaha. sa puntong ito, as in itong punto, nangiti ako tsaka naramdaman kong gumaan ng onti ang pakiramdam ko. haaaaayyy. sarap. pero kulang pa eh. may kailangan talaga akong sabihin pa pero di ko alam kung ano.
gusto ko lang makita si FSM.
hinde fhm yan FSM. naku tingnan mo ang keyboard mo.
gusto ko lang sya makita ng matagalan. tapos makilala pa sya ng husto. parang mabait kasi sya. tsaka... gusto ko nanaman umiyak. mabait kasi sya tsaka madali makisama. tsaka di sya judgmental. tsaka pag nakikita ko sya, parang nararamdaman ko na, siguro masarap sya maging kaclose. di ko kelangan ng boypren o sex partner ika nga. di ko kelangan ng ganoong aktibidad. actually against ako dun, pero di ko naman pipigilan ang iba sa ganoong gawain. parang masaya lang sya kaclose kasi mukang malambing sya pag close kayo. tsaka parang kuya ko narin. 2 years ata agwat namin i think. nanibago ako once nung nakita ko sya na pure black yung hair nya, pero wala pa sya nun sakin. ngayon lang talaga. sobrang apektado ako kasi parang, andyan na sya pero hanggang tingin lang ako. no interactions. pero kung papipiliin ako sa di ko sya kilala at sa nagpaplastikan kami, dun nalang ako sa di ko sya kilala. masakit man sa loob.
good night na. matutulog na ko at problemado padin ako sa VMA.
masarap mabuhay pag alam mo ang ginagawa mo at meron kang kasamang pwede mong pagsabihan ng kahit ano. si briks, thank you sobra sa lahat ng oras na nakinig ka sa rants ko, whether good or bad rants. you don't know how much it means to me and how much it helps me get through the day. oo may blog ako pero di nakakapagreact ang blog. tsaka kahit pano parehas tayong nakakakuha ng payo sa isa't isa tsaka parehas tayo ng nararamdaman sa ngayon. parehas din tayong problemado sa love life hahahaha. sa puntong ito, as in itong punto, nangiti ako tsaka naramdaman kong gumaan ng onti ang pakiramdam ko. haaaaayyy. sarap. pero kulang pa eh. may kailangan talaga akong sabihin pa pero di ko alam kung ano.
gusto ko lang makita si FSM.
hinde fhm yan FSM. naku tingnan mo ang keyboard mo.
gusto ko lang sya makita ng matagalan. tapos makilala pa sya ng husto. parang mabait kasi sya. tsaka... gusto ko nanaman umiyak. mabait kasi sya tsaka madali makisama. tsaka di sya judgmental. tsaka pag nakikita ko sya, parang nararamdaman ko na, siguro masarap sya maging kaclose. di ko kelangan ng boypren o sex partner ika nga. di ko kelangan ng ganoong aktibidad. actually against ako dun, pero di ko naman pipigilan ang iba sa ganoong gawain. parang masaya lang sya kaclose kasi mukang malambing sya pag close kayo. tsaka parang kuya ko narin. 2 years ata agwat namin i think. nanibago ako once nung nakita ko sya na pure black yung hair nya, pero wala pa sya nun sakin. ngayon lang talaga. sobrang apektado ako kasi parang, andyan na sya pero hanggang tingin lang ako. no interactions. pero kung papipiliin ako sa di ko sya kilala at sa nagpaplastikan kami, dun nalang ako sa di ko sya kilala. masakit man sa loob.
good night na. matutulog na ko at problemado padin ako sa VMA.
WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO HIDE EVERYTHING THAT I FEEL?!?! PUTCHA! NO FREEDOM AT ALL!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I WANT TO YELL LIKE MAD AND TELL YOU THAT I LIKE YOU AND TELL HIM THAT I HATE HIM! AND I WANT TO YELL TO EVERYONE TO STOP BEING SUCH STUPID JERKS WHO THINK THAT EVERYTHING ENDS IN THE IMAGE YOU PROJECT!!! POTA ANG KIKITID NG MGA UTAK NIYO!!!
NAKAKAINIS!!! PARANG LAGI NALANG ME NAKASAPLOT SA BUNGANGA KO PARA DI AKO MAKASALITA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANNOYING! SO ANNOYING AND SO FRUSTRATING!!! I AM BUILDING SO MUCH ANGST YOU CAN'T MEASURE IT WITH TEARS!!!
NAKAKAINIS!!! PARANG LAGI NALANG ME NAKASAPLOT SA BUNGANGA KO PARA DI AKO MAKASALITA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANNOYING! SO ANNOYING AND SO FRUSTRATING!!! I AM BUILDING SO MUCH ANGST YOU CAN'T MEASURE IT WITH TEARS!!!
20080909
so frustrating.
im always affected whenever my crush (whoever it may be at that time) is somewhere near. im always affected in a way that makes me feel hopeless and happy and dumped and paralyzed, all at the same time. it's like i'm there, and all i need to do is flirt, but i can't because that's my system. i DON'T flirt. so what happens? i can only watch him. him with the impeccable smile.
so frustrating.
because i know that nothing will happen again to what i feel. it's 99.9% impossible for him to see me for who i am and appreciate it. because he's of "a different kind" and of "a different level". because i'm not the socialite type of girl. because i don't wear skinny jeans and make-up, and iron-twirl my hair. because i can never be his type. and i never will be. i refuse to change for cause of love.
so frustrating. *cry*
im always affected whenever my crush (whoever it may be at that time) is somewhere near. im always affected in a way that makes me feel hopeless and happy and dumped and paralyzed, all at the same time. it's like i'm there, and all i need to do is flirt, but i can't because that's my system. i DON'T flirt. so what happens? i can only watch him. him with the impeccable smile.
so frustrating.
because i know that nothing will happen again to what i feel. it's 99.9% impossible for him to see me for who i am and appreciate it. because he's of "a different kind" and of "a different level". because i'm not the socialite type of girl. because i don't wear skinny jeans and make-up, and iron-twirl my hair. because i can never be his type. and i never will be. i refuse to change for cause of love.
so frustrating. *cry*
20080905
Caleruega getaway done
just got home from Caleruega. twas a nice trip, 3 days 2 nights. fun and spooky. love the spooks. hahaha.
but... i am getting pissed off at HIM. that stupid, immature, opportunistic, commanding little nuthead. gago talaga yun. i hope he becomes more conscious of his actions and of other people's feelings.
and then, the other guy, who actually "usually" isn't my type... i am suddenly appreciating him. he's really nice and handsome (no, he's not the type you call "cute".... grr... stupid fangirls.) right now, i think i just appreciate who he is. im not sure if he's already my crush coz i.. i don't know, he just isn't yet. i don't know if he will become my crush. but i kind of miss seeing him. oh well. let's see what happens. (then again, maybe it's because we now talk, unlike before when we didn't.)
but... i am getting pissed off at HIM. that stupid, immature, opportunistic, commanding little nuthead. gago talaga yun. i hope he becomes more conscious of his actions and of other people's feelings.
and then, the other guy, who actually "usually" isn't my type... i am suddenly appreciating him. he's really nice and handsome (no, he's not the type you call "cute".... grr... stupid fangirls.) right now, i think i just appreciate who he is. im not sure if he's already my crush coz i.. i don't know, he just isn't yet. i don't know if he will become my crush. but i kind of miss seeing him. oh well. let's see what happens. (then again, maybe it's because we now talk, unlike before when we didn't.)
20080730
i want to be free
mahirap maging peke. mahirap din maging sinungaling. pero mas mahirap yung di mo alam kung me kasalanan ka o wala pero nakokonsyensya ka parin. so eto nalang at isusulat ko lahat ng nakakabagabag sakin.
nung birthday party mo AUDREY di ako makapunta dahil, oo, sayang sa oras. ang course ko hindi natututunan at hindi binabasa o sinusulat. i need lots of time for it because painting consumes tons of time, esp. when it's on a canvas board at least 16"x20" in size. so, no, di ako nagsisinungaling nun. at di ako nun nagkamali ng pagsalita. nagkamali lang ako na nasabi ko yun sa mama mo at baka isipan nya ng mali yung ibig kong sabihin. so SORRY.
yung mga barka-barkada eklatan nung high school AUDREY at MEL at BARKADA NI PAMELA, nung mga oras na nagtatawagan tayo ng "ahas" sa likod ng isa't-isa at nagngingitian sa harap, nung mga oras na yon wala talaga akong kaaway. bakit? eh ganon eh. wala talaga kong mahanap na kaaway. kung tinuturing nyo akong isang ahas o traydor o balimbing o ano pa man, sige tatanggapin ko, pero para sakin hindi nun ibigsabihin na kakampi-slash-kaaway ang state ko sa iba't ibang grupo. and ibigsabihin nun sakin eh binabalimbing ko ang sarili ko. bakit ako tatawag ng ahas sa isang tao kung di ko naman sya kaaway? at wala nga akong kaaway, so sinong pwedeng maging ahas? di ko naman sinasabi na wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakasakit sakin lalo ka na JI-HAE pero madali naman ako makalimot at magpatawad. hindi ako mahilig mag name-call. so SORRY sa lahat ng nasaksak ko sa likod ng tinidor, este balisawsaw. ay mali balisong pala.
dun naman kay MARGARETTE (sorry di ko maalala kung pano ispell yung pangalan mo), oo may galit pa ako. bakit? biruin mo, ikaw yung unang nagsabi na PEKE AKO, at sa mali pang pagkakataon. alam ko meron akong grade na binago dati, di ko pa yun nakakalimutan, pero yung script na yon at yung bow pagkatapos ng presentation gawa ko yun, sariling gawa, kasama si brylle. tapos tatawagin mong PEKE?? anong KARAPATAN mo? may pa "megz" "megz" ka pang nalalaman eh nanay mo lang naman ang namimilit na ganyan ang itawag sayo. SORRY ha pero masama talaga loob ko hanggang ngayon. pero wag ka mag-alala di ako yung tipong nananabunot para mang-eskandalo.
dun naman sa binura ko daw yung spelling ko (para ata sa salitang gobernador, "v" daw nilagay ko instead of "b"), i don't ever remember kung binura ko nga yon, although i'm SURE that i can IMAGINE doing something like that. bakit? di ko alam. siguro dahil narin sa nagdududa narin ako sa sarili ko kung binura ko ba yun o hinde. may ilang beses din akong sumubok mandaya ng grade dahil mataas ang expectation ng mga magulang ko sakin, pero kung ako lang, di ko gagawing mandaya.
all these years i learned to face things as they are, then think up a solution to solve them if they are considered to be "problems". all these years i also learned to accept people as they are: get near if you click, go far if you don't. simple as that. bakit? kasi pag kinalaban mo yung ganong gawain ang una mo naring ginagawa eh tinatraydor mo ang sarili mo. and i resent doing it, making an enemy of myself during high school just to gain friends. i didn't need to do that. i just though i was alone. but now i'm not. and even if my past is bittersweet, i still won't regret living it up, because my past has made me better now, and will make me the best in the future.
nung birthday party mo AUDREY di ako makapunta dahil, oo, sayang sa oras. ang course ko hindi natututunan at hindi binabasa o sinusulat. i need lots of time for it because painting consumes tons of time, esp. when it's on a canvas board at least 16"x20" in size. so, no, di ako nagsisinungaling nun. at di ako nun nagkamali ng pagsalita. nagkamali lang ako na nasabi ko yun sa mama mo at baka isipan nya ng mali yung ibig kong sabihin. so SORRY.
yung mga barka-barkada eklatan nung high school AUDREY at MEL at BARKADA NI PAMELA, nung mga oras na nagtatawagan tayo ng "ahas" sa likod ng isa't-isa at nagngingitian sa harap, nung mga oras na yon wala talaga akong kaaway. bakit? eh ganon eh. wala talaga kong mahanap na kaaway. kung tinuturing nyo akong isang ahas o traydor o balimbing o ano pa man, sige tatanggapin ko, pero para sakin hindi nun ibigsabihin na kakampi-slash-kaaway ang state ko sa iba't ibang grupo. and ibigsabihin nun sakin eh binabalimbing ko ang sarili ko. bakit ako tatawag ng ahas sa isang tao kung di ko naman sya kaaway? at wala nga akong kaaway, so sinong pwedeng maging ahas? di ko naman sinasabi na wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakasakit sakin lalo ka na JI-HAE pero madali naman ako makalimot at magpatawad. hindi ako mahilig mag name-call. so SORRY sa lahat ng nasaksak ko sa likod ng tinidor, este balisawsaw. ay mali balisong pala.
dun naman kay MARGARETTE (sorry di ko maalala kung pano ispell yung pangalan mo), oo may galit pa ako. bakit? biruin mo, ikaw yung unang nagsabi na PEKE AKO, at sa mali pang pagkakataon. alam ko meron akong grade na binago dati, di ko pa yun nakakalimutan, pero yung script na yon at yung bow pagkatapos ng presentation gawa ko yun, sariling gawa, kasama si brylle. tapos tatawagin mong PEKE?? anong KARAPATAN mo? may pa "megz" "megz" ka pang nalalaman eh nanay mo lang naman ang namimilit na ganyan ang itawag sayo. SORRY ha pero masama talaga loob ko hanggang ngayon. pero wag ka mag-alala di ako yung tipong nananabunot para mang-eskandalo.
dun naman sa binura ko daw yung spelling ko (para ata sa salitang gobernador, "v" daw nilagay ko instead of "b"), i don't ever remember kung binura ko nga yon, although i'm SURE that i can IMAGINE doing something like that. bakit? di ko alam. siguro dahil narin sa nagdududa narin ako sa sarili ko kung binura ko ba yun o hinde. may ilang beses din akong sumubok mandaya ng grade dahil mataas ang expectation ng mga magulang ko sakin, pero kung ako lang, di ko gagawing mandaya.
all these years i learned to face things as they are, then think up a solution to solve them if they are considered to be "problems". all these years i also learned to accept people as they are: get near if you click, go far if you don't. simple as that. bakit? kasi pag kinalaban mo yung ganong gawain ang una mo naring ginagawa eh tinatraydor mo ang sarili mo. and i resent doing it, making an enemy of myself during high school just to gain friends. i didn't need to do that. i just though i was alone. but now i'm not. and even if my past is bittersweet, i still won't regret living it up, because my past has made me better now, and will make me the best in the future.
20080713
nakita ko at nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kaunting inggit at mas malaking lungkot. syempre naman wala akong binatbat sa kasama nya. nainggit ako dahil close sila. pero mas nalungkot ako, knowing that i have no chance at all, kahit katiting. alam kong hanggang tingin nalang ako. hanggang masid lang. hanggang sa may tumayo na sa pinapangarap kong lugar o kalagayan, masid parin ang kaya kong gawin at wala nang iba. hindi ba, nakakapanghinayang? nakikita mo pero wala kang magawa. may nakikita kang natutuwa at may lakas kang magpasaya ng iba, pero ang sarili mo, hanggang kalungkutan lang ang naaabot. hay. miserable nga naman talaga ang buhay.
manhid. manhid ka, kaya magpapamanhid nalang din ako.
manhid. manhid ka, kaya magpapamanhid nalang din ako.
as written on 06.13.08:
I'm tired of life. Why endure so much pain? To learn? What do you learn from suffering? [We probably have a 90% chance of learning about vengeance, and a 10% chance of learning about the virtue of perseverance.] Nothing. Nothing good. It's useless. Things come as they would, and they will, no matter what you do. All we need is trust/faith in things to come, and resourcefulness to accept these things, to go through them with heads whether up or down. But nobody realizes these things. Nobody sees what is there, only what they want to see.
I'm tired of life. Why endure so much pain? To learn? What do you learn from suffering? [We probably have a 90% chance of learning about vengeance, and a 10% chance of learning about the virtue of perseverance.] Nothing. Nothing good. It's useless. Things come as they would, and they will, no matter what you do. All we need is trust/faith in things to come, and resourcefulness to accept these things, to go through them with heads whether up or down. But nobody realizes these things. Nobody sees what is there, only what they want to see.
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