When i fall in love... it will be forever, or i'll never fall in love~ and the moment that i feel that you feel that way too... is when i'll fall in love with you~

Can the ocean keep from rushing to the shore? It's impossible~ If i had you, could i ever want for more? It's just impossible~

This barrage of old songs playing in my brain. Old love songs. Goddammit.

I do love through songs. That's at least one thing i can take from this. The 2nd thing is that i'd most prolly serenade the girl i like if i were a guy. I wish i could dedicate songs to you in my/our case.

Showroom vs. Sanctuary: Rebecca Solnit on What Our Dream Homes Reveal about Our Inner Lives | Brain Pickings

Showroom vs. Sanctuary: Rebecca Solnit on What Our Dream Homes Reveal about Our Inner Lives | Brain Pickings



i've just finished reading this and... it made me think of some stuff. particularly my dream home.



i've always wanted a rather "vacant" house... it will only ever have furniture pieces that i really, really love. i'm not particularly sentimental, except for things that i really love, and those can be counted within my digits. i want a house that's... gray-white, i don't want it too bright or too drab. and it would not be the home of a collector. it would be spacious and clean. i might change the furniture arrangements more often than is normal. and i want a bathroom of this motif, but a luxurious one. again, not a crowded bathroom - i want it spacious and comfy, but not alienating. i want a house that is generally quiet, but i can change its mood with music, maybe.



so... this article makes me think about what it is that i really want, because the article states that our dream homes and its interiors signify the umm... ideal life that we dream of, and we may achieve it in the form and formation of our homes, but that this ideal form and formation is only kept for a limited time, because, you know, life changes, things change, additions and subtractions, etc etc.



but that's the problem. i want a pretty empty house.



and then there's the idea of a concept standing right beside its very opposite.



so maybe the worst house i can ever have is a cluttered house?



i can quite imagine how bad it will be. and yes, i think that's exactly what i don't want.



but, again... there's also this other idea in my head that maybe i want a blank canvas because i'm too afraid to commit myself to anything. i mean, it does resound pretty well with my ideal house. it is clean, i can change it anytime i want to. rather fitting, really.



i cannot imagine myself sticking to a cluttered house. or, i might, but i'll throw out some of its contents and rearrange it altogether.



ah. the consistencies and inconsistencies in me.

why do i keep writing about you...



i think about you all the time, i figured out as much. lol. but i guess i just wish i could tell you about this... and since i can't, or don't want to, i've turned to a blog for comfort and sharing. quite pathetic, really.



and um... i don't know, i'm just gonna imagine that you're listening to me.



you know what... i can actually... see and feel myself deteriorating... i have several locking joints now... my left arm can get numb really quickly... also my legs... my lower back hurts if i sleep wrongly... umm... my eyes sometimes flicker on their own, and it's really really annoying when they do because i can't control em and i lose my focus... some of my toes, sometimes they lock in place when i move em wrong... i get a lot of headaches too... slight ones, beside the migraine shiz... and just recently, i noticed that my eyes can't focus on a very near object/text, though i could focus on em before...



i'm not scared of getting old. i'm not gonna lie though, i AM scared of the complications. esp. because i have diabetes. umm... i've recently read on some diabetes type1 articles again, and the life expectancy thing came up again... an approximation of -20years.



call me a fucking coward but i really do not want to see how i'd end if i ever reach my life expectancy... i don't want to have to depend on other people just to be able to do basic things and live... i'm already a burden as is, i don't want to add more burden... and i want to die in peace... there's already enough pain and depression without having reached the ending stage yet... and they say that you only learn who really loves you when you're in your toughest moments... i don't want to have to stay in a hospital, and more so stay in a hospital with no visitors... but i'm also so tired of being either the embarrassing star or the backstage helper...

Just... so... out of my league... same as me with yours...

I don't understand myself. I don't understand why i like you so much.

i want to talk about you.

i want to let you know how my life runs, and how it runs away from me every day, so you could understand me.

i want to know who and how you are, why you are. i want to know your secrets, your shallow parts, the smallest things you laugh at or get mad at. i want to see your weaknesses because you've been putting up too much of your strengths for a very long time, and i want to look through the cracks in it. i'm sure you have em.

i want to learn, and know, and be reminded, of how you care about me, how you are interested in who i am, in me. (but, of course, that's all just wishful thinking.)

i wish i could instantly know about these things. a simple yes or no is so so so much better than nothing at all. but... i have no right to demand of these things from you. i have no right to demand answers from you. i am nothing to you, at all.

I feel like a huge walking piece of failure.

Sorry im just depressed right now. I dont want to move anymore.

I hope next time there will be like this app or gadget or diary where you dont have to type anything. You just hold it and it records your feelings. I want it just so that i could let people know what im feeling. Because its so hard to talk about things like these.

a very deluded fantasy.



from a very delusional individual.

you're currently one of the few things/people who give me happiness. besides the temporary elation of a finished job, a comical comment on a friend's post, a small achievement. and maybe some 9gag posts. you're one of the few who actually makes me happy, even though you personally don't really do it. just you being there is enough.

i wonder how you'd feel if you knew.

but i wish everything was real. those times i imagine you to be there for me. those times i imagine that your shoulder was there for me to lean my head on. those times i imagine that you were there to comfort me in my depression. i wish you were truly there, and that you truly understood what i'm going through, and that you were truly there for me.

oh, this is just my part of the deal. i'd be the same for you if this was a real thing. but it's all just wishful thinking.

just 1 more month until this rounds up to a year... on dec13? if i remember right. i officially declared it on dec13.



life is just passing by. it's like... being inside a cafe just by the street, sitting by the window, and watching cars whiz by. this mechanical creature carrying life in it, but not really seeing you sitting by the window, watching them whiz by.



i feel like i am... either being taken for granted, or i'm simply wasting my chances. possibly both.



i do not want to dare with these things. this feeling. but i also feel like, the more i let this be (which isn't really something i put effort in, mind you), the more stagnant i become.



there are times when i wish... no. actually, i do almost always wish that feelings like this had an on/off switch. i'd turn it on if i miss it, turn it off when it's not appropriate. like now.



i kind of feel ashamed of myself for actually feeling this. i feel like, this is very wrong. or, not that the feeling is wrong, but more of "you already know that this shouldn't be happening. you already know that he's just supposed to be in line with your cousins even though you're not related, and yet you're still not avoiding him."



but that's also what i'm trying to do right now... look for proof that my attraction to him is going absolutely nowhere, because it has no place in his heart. i can't find any kind of proof though. that's a pretty big problem.