you didn't come to work today. i wonder how you are...

You are my forever love.

Am I certain of it? No, in the way that other couples "know" that s/he's the one. But maybe. Just maybe.

i'm a very jealous person, i'm finding out.
i don't act on it, but the feelings of jealousy do exist in my head.
i can get affected with small things. small, senseless things that come from someone who matters to me.
i feel like... the world does not want me to be happy.
though of course that's just one of tons of other perspectives. of course i shouldn't be blaming the world just like that.
but i sometimes can't help but feel deprived. of a lot of things. mostly immaterial things. i'm not one to have issues with material stuff. i can usually get what i want, but i don't want for much.
the immaterial things though...
i feel like i am being slowly emptied out... of life, of meaning... of purpose... of joy and love. i am slowly being dessicated.
that could also just be me numbing myself out...
sometimes i just want to lay down and cry myself to sleep, and never wake up again...
i mean, what's the point?
nobody wants to wake up to be disappointed again.
i've let a lot of things run their course however they should, however others wish them to. i don't want to control things anymore, what with me making bad decisions and/or things going wrong and/or me getting disappointed by outcomes... those were the times when my standards were too unreal. not that i have high standards or over-the-top standards, just very unreal standards. but now... everything is slowly breaking down, and i am seeing a clearer picture of reality. and it's really, really bogging me down.
not everyone responds to reality in a good way.
ah. but enough chatting. i'll just go sleep. tomorrow/later is another day to finish some shit up for some people.
plus i'll be seeing you again. it should be a good enough reason, if not for its hopeless reality.

i find it hard to trust myself. in decisions, or talents, or abilities.



everyday i encounter something that would make me belittle myself.



i'm probably looking at it all wrong. people will probably tell me something like "don't think that way. think of those things as stepping stones for you."



well, it's easier said than done. it's not like there's no background story to my self distrust. if you encounter a lot of opposites in your life, you tend to just let things flow as they will, and find a way to adapt or make better of it. i personally don't want to make a lot of decisions because i find that my decisions are mostly flawed, or the total opposite of the best choices. i find that my intellectual capacity is not as high or as excellent as i want it to be. there's always someone better, someone brighter, more creative, more useful, more captivating and attention-grabbing.



i'd want to say that i'm trying to simply be myself, do what i can, be what i can be up to whatever best i can achieve. but no... it tends to hurt the ego when you see something you relate with, and it/he/she is better than you/yours. i feel like, if i started to "just be myself", then it would be an admittance of defeat. emphasis on the word "defeat". though "defeat" is actually not there, because no one wins either. it's just between my self and my self. my brain's control center and my brain's executive branch.



it's very frustrating when something very simple is slapped into your face by someone else, and you're suddenly like "why didn't i think of this?? it's so friggin elementary!" and... yeah, it makes me feel like i'm not competitive enough, i'm not creative enough, i'm not good enough.

did i see that right? you have curly hair?? lol that's cute :))

I keep remembering the ground up remains of a maya bird (sparrow? I think) on the road in front of our house.

I actually wouldn't recognize that it's a sparrow if not for the feathers and the shape that the feathers were stuck at. The bird was squished flat. There were some whitish, chalkish pieces with it which i'm just gonna assume to be bones scraped clean by car wheels.

It makes me wonder what the bird would have felt during the squishing. During. It would appear to be a very painful albeit very quick death. I wonder how the bird's consciousness slips away, and everything ends in prolly <1sec.

I wonder if what we call "soul" is actually just our cells learning to act together for the wellbeing of the whole. Like, maybe we have evolved into something incredibly complex, thus our cells can collectively pass information as thoughts and decisions. Something we call "thinking".

Maybe ethics is just our consciousness learning to live with other masses of cells aka humans, that's why there are still some people who act selfishly even in life-and-death situations. I mean, before anything else, we *were* conditioned to survive, right?

If this is what a soul is, then the belief that only humans have souls would be slightly legit, in the sense that we have learned a whole lot more things than animals have. But to label something with a name gives it a singular, wholly independent body of meaning. So, maybe, humans have souls, and animals have semi-souls...? That kind of measurement might be applicable then.

I don't know if animals have near-death thoughts like humans do. I don't think they do.

But with that poor bird... its cells would still exist, maybe in a different form or composition, i'm not sure. It will be recycled as dust, and maybe later as something else. Whatever composed the bird before, will now be part of the composition of something else.

But we don't have anything to record that transition. That sudden snuffing out of THE bird, and the creation of something else, maybe even as soon as the snuffing happens.

It's a huge mystery how that works. How life ends and starts and ends and starts again and again.

i really don't understand what is happening in my head. or my heart. "heart".

i am incredibly attracted to you, but i don't know how to show it.
or even, whether i should show it or not.
i'm very happy when you're there, in the same area with me. or when you look at me. (at least i think you do? peripheral vision reasoning etc etc).
i think you look at me... mmm... not really "a lot", but, in a rather observational manner? like when i'm about to respond to a question, or... when i'm looking at someone and observing them.
there's confusion going on in my head because, on some rare times, it feels like you're interested, but on most times, it's very casual.... i almost feel non-existent even.
i'm not sure how to deal with you.
i'd like to forget you too, because i think things don't really look plausible, possible, and/or ethical.

but fuck ethics. hah.

it's really just a matter of whether you feel a mutual connection or not. which, realistically speaking, you probably don't.

i've always made bad choices. bad decisions.
it's not helping that i feel so fucking left out.
i wish i could telepathically share my feelings with someone who's willing to listen and see.
but i can't, and i don't know how to talk about this.
i'm just so tired of being, or feeling, alone. i just want for someone who is willing to learn about who i am, without needing me to talk about everything.

this is probably just hormones. but i'm crying. well, tearing up.
some support would be really, really nice right now.

I wonder what runs through your mind when you look at me. You seem to look at me pretty frequently but at the same time, you also don't seem to look at me. Like... hmm. I dont know how to put it. Its like sometimes youre actively watching me while at other times i just feel like some sorta always-been-there furniture. Erm... it kinda bugs me.
Anywaysss.
I havent talked to anyone about my thoughts for the future, before today. It feels quite nice to hear someone say that i should do something for myself. "Yung sayo naman." This phrase/sentence. I almost teared up haha. No ones told me that before. I dunno if she could actually see the opposite in me, or shes just going with the conver flow. Im not sure. But it was nice to hear it from someone else.

You don't have to do anything to make me smile. Just be there.
I don't know how you could keep looking and acting so lighthearted, and yet i sometimes manage to see the slightest hint of irritation and/or fatigue from your face.
I wish i could let you know that you can tell me anything. That I'll just be here, to listen. Or talk. Or assure you of things. Just that i'll be here.
It would honestly feel like a privilege if you trust me.

I don't know what to write.
I've told her about my feelings for you. And how I don't want to go with it because it's mighty awkward.
She likes you, yep. Like, *she's willing to have babies with you* like you.
I don't know what to feel about that. Hahaha.
Natatawa nalang ako tuwing naaalala ko yung sinabi nyang ganun. Grabe lang ang kamandag mo ah. Laglag sya sayo hahaha.
I'll go to sleep. This is just breaking my heart.