yung tuwing nakikita mo sya, para kang sinasampal sa mukha.

im happy that you have a good life.

im sad that i will never be able to give you that life.

im happy that we are not together or else you would have been so frustrated.

im sad that we are not together.

im sad that even if we are not together, i still would not be able to live the life that you are living.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to, but if that love does not come to fruition - and no, it doesn't even have to be *our* love, just my love of that life - then it would be better to just be dead...

just suddenly missing you and your quiet presence.

imagining easy conversations. or non-conversations. maybe more of the latter.

wondering how you're faring. but not brave enough to ask.

Feeling very alone. I don't know if i could keep living this. I feel like people misunderstand my outside composure as... reliance, youngness, innocence, unpleasant fragility. I feel like maybe they're afraid that i will burden them further. I feel like they don't think i experience normal human emotions.
I don't know where to start forging my own path. I don't even know where i want to go yet. But being so far down the shared road... i feel like anything else would be a waste of time.

Everything feels dead.
Like, if i were made to choose between life and death, i would have no problem choosing death. It doesn't feel different anyway.
I'm old enough to be a mom - though i don't want to be one - and yet here i'm still looking for a purpose. A friend is mourning the loss of her child already and here all i ever do is... game? Attend to what someone else needs?
I feel so fenced off from the world.

Im in a place where being alive is meaningless. But i strive to look for meaning, even if it's others', just so i wouldn't have to feel so useless.
It feels good to help people achieve their dreams. I don't know if it will ever get to that, but what if at one point there will be no one else to help?
I wonder if i'll have the strength and the fatigue to go away after my parents are gone...

2.06am

Here recalling lots of past events, and/or feelings again. It's a constant roller coaster in here but i notice it more at times when i'm p doing anything.

I feel like i'm gonna be a very different person when i get a measure of freedom again.

Sometimes i think, what if im actually an extrovert? What if... well, what is it that im looking for anyway? What if there came time again to just be myself?

"Look at her, she's a self-made woman." I don't want endless riches. I just want a life of purpose. Something that might inspire someone else to be more conscientious, kinder, more peace-loving and be intellectually hungry. Life is... pointless beyond... everything, really. We're all just gonna die anyway.

this is you feeling jealous. you missing out on everything and feeling the currents flow right under your nose. this is you wanting to be the best, trying to be ambitious, conquering all platforms, but all of it are just wants. this is you being angry for not being able to become someone else. like someone else. this is you being desperate, clutching at very small victories of attention and magnifying them by multiples. this is your sadness and fear speaking. it will be gone soon. within the month.

Thoughts:

1. The feeling of being split between wanting to be always there for your parents, wanting some long-missed alone time, and wanting to see some friends. Oh, and wanting to be more independent. And feeling guilty because when you do one, you cannot do the rest.

2. I hate that you keep claiming ownership over him. I hate how much of a snake... no, you're not that bad, but you're definitely very manipulative, and i fucking hate that, and i fucking hate seeing you being like that over someone. And your intention is so fucking obvious to me. I fucking hate that i can't do anything about it. At the same time, i fucking hate this feeling of alienation. That no matter how i try to be friendly and in level with everyone, the idea of a wall will continually be imposed on my person. And it does not fucking help that im awkward as fuck.

Yeah. Thats... thats about it for now.
Ive always only wanted to be an onlooker, because the world has too much drama to be involved in. It just drags you down. But at the same time, if youre just an onlooker, an observer, it also means that you can't give joy and you can't participate in joy. And it's... harsh? To be able to feel but not be able to act. I wish it was just 1 or the other, no gray areas.

been a while. feels really empty.

i wonder about people. and i wonder if they wonder about me. and what about.

if life stops for someone, or for the self, or if it continues to pull you but in a direction that you are unwilling to go.

being worthless is the worst feeling in the world.

Di ko alam kung sinong kayang umintindi sakin. O baka talagang gago ako kaya di ako maintindihan. Baka kahit anong effort mo maging mabuting anak, pag pinanganak kang gago, wala ka nang mababago dun. Baka nga talagang gago lang ako. Sorry. Kanina iniisip ko buti nalang di nabuhay yung 2 kong kapatid para di nila to nararanasan. Then again parang buti nga at di sila nabuhay kasi malamang di nila to deserve, kasi kunsakali ako lang naman yung magiging gago samin. Para di na nila makita yung kagaguhan ko. Parang wala naman akong tamang nagagawa? O kulang palagi? O dahil siguro gago ako kaya di ako marunong rumespeto? Pakiramdam ko naman yun lang yung paraan ko mag cope pero parang mali parin? I dont mean to defend my actions pero i mean parang nawawalan na ako ng pag asa mag effort kasi parang mali lahat ng reactions ko? Like im supposed to be respectful and not think of it as stupid or offensive or.. ewan, makulit? Siguro nga ako yung may maling judgment? Which happens a lot. At mahirap yung di ko napapansin na mali ang judgment ko until sumabog na. Parang mas ok nalang na wala akong kakilala para wala akong maoffend? Or... i dunno. Pwede pa ba to icorrect? May shortcut ba para marealize ko lahat ng katangahan ko bago mangyari? O talagang pinanganak akong bastos? Pakiramdam ko parang wala akong karapatan mapikon o magalit kasi wala pa naman akong alam sa buhay? Minsan lang di ko talaga maintindihan na may mga bagay na kailangan pag usapan e kung ako naman yung nasa pwesto kaya ko naman isolve mag isa? O baka nasanay ako mashadong maging loner kaya ineexpect ko rin na ganun ang ibang tao. Then again ano naman ang status ng social life ko. Nabubulok na. Di ko rin talaga alam e. Di rin talaga ko marunong e. Sadyang tanga lang ata talaga.