it's not you. it means nothing if it's not you.

It's like being continuously broken, built up, broken again, built up again...

I keep waiting for you.
I feel like a fucking dog waiting for her master to come back home.

I should just take this as it is and stop thinking about its possible implications. Because that's all it is: just a mere "possible", not something that will actually happen.

I wish you were deeper than this. More empathetic than this. I honestly thought you would be. So far though, I haven't seen anything to prove me right. I don't know if I'm disappointed or mad that my standards are giving me inaccurate thoughts.

Please just... just prove this post wrong. Just let me know that you're not numb. That you are, even slightly, privy to other people's feelings. Just prove to me that you aren't simply self-serving, like most people are.

the more i think of this...

the more i'm sure that i can never reach your standards...



why does everyone have someone who has enough patience for them?



i don't know if i'll ever find mine. i really hope it's you, but... i dunno. it could be no one. i could reach death without feeling... appreciated, or worthy, maybe.



oh well. no, it's never an oh well. but, i gotta continue, because other people need hands to finish what they need finishing...

I wanna ask you how youre doing, and how your dads treatment went, or if he got confined in the hosp, and how youre coping with everything, and if you ever need help or just someone to tell your feelings or frustrations to, that im just here to listen, comment a little and comfort you. But i dont think its my place to do all of that. So ill just frustratedly wait for news from you.
I suck with words. Im sorry. Thats for you and for myself. So hard to express things without sounding like a total creep.

I miss him... i miss hearing his quirkiness... hes just in front of me at the lunch table but hes farther than he ever was... i wish i could be a livelier person so i can volley talk with him, because he seems to be that kinda guy... but im not. I feel like a shadow in his eyes...

I can feel my right leg numbing up. My toes are a bit... err... unresponsive now. I think i have some nerve problem down that leg.
Also, my right neck part hurts a bit. Also hurts where it goes towards the shoulders.
My eyes get blurry from "overuse", blur goes away after resting.
My left ear hurts. I've been "clawing" at the lobe again. But it's starting to subside i think.
I haven't gotten my right lower wisdom out yet.

I umm... i feel alone. Like... i dunno if someone else should be hearing this but i dont feel like i can tell it to anyone... they might think it's too much of a big deal...

Will i ever be anything else to you...

with all the things i'm connecting to him, all the same names i am seeing everywhere, all the wonderings i do about him... i wonder if he thinks the same of me?



but that's the point of... love or sacrifice... it can turn either which way... right?



you give your all, not necessarily physically, not even verbally, not even directly or noticeably... but s/he peppers your world in different ways... and all that peppering, in the end, possibly turning to nothing... that's just how it is.



i miss him very much, and i wonder if he thinks the same, but that's all i can ever do. wonder.

I have this constant feeling of being not up to par with anyone's standards. Like i'm never enough for anyone. And, of course the feeling gets magnified with unrequited love, but i'm not really doing anything to progress with it, so it logically shouldn't even count in the magnification. But it does.
Erm.
I'd want someone to notice my worth and be like, "you're a precious penny of the world and you match my pocket exactly." Lol. Which is also why i want for a guy who could be a real, close friend. Which is... honestly hard to find lol.
It's only happened once, and he - rightly so, for reasons - went away, and i decided to just stop wishing for it to recur or maybe take a turn and continue.
And he's now happy with his current love. I think they match really well too. And they both seem mature about their relationship. I don't really try to seek deeper details, whether they're as happy as they look, which they seem to be, because i'm just done with him and it's not really my place to do so.
I just remembered him because he's one of the better memories i had during HS. It was a mutual understanding, literally. A calm contentment.
Mmm.
I'm currently, as can be seen in my blog posts starting 2 years ago, rather infatuated with a guy. He's... pretty much perfect but for some quite obvious things. One of which is that he doesn't seem interested? Lol. Also that, i can't identify his personality and preferences very much, which would be part of his introversion i guess. I'm... wanting to know him more, but only quietly, because i'm absolutely verbally stupid. Which is probably one of the things he would most likely find attractive. I mean, the being verbally smart sort, which i'm not.
I could... list other things here that he probably does not appreciate. Emm... i've really nothing to offer to him. I'm just like... weed, in a flower garden.
It makes things... achey? Heavy? ... dull? Like being isolated in a glass bubble... depressive, is the word, i guess, when you subtly find disapprovals of different sorts all around you. And the things and people you give worth to... when they do not reciprocate the level of worth you give them, it deals much worse damage, because it's as a statement saying "whatever you do, you're never gonna be good enough."

I want to be better than these standards, in a way that makes me unquantifiable by those standards. But it doesn't mean that i want everyone to fall on their knees for me. I just want someone, who knows what he's looking at, to understand and try to unravel me, in a way that is not oppressive or obsessive, in a manner where we both get to know each other, and either possibly grow with it, or remain the best of partners.

And umm... i'm probably asking for too much. Too much compared to my worth. Yep.

I want to send you a message, something along the lines of: i saw your post, i dunno if it has anything to do with what's happening to your dad right now, but if it does, i'm just here, in case there's no one else left to listen to you. I'll just be here. Even just for verbal/written stress relief.

But something in my head is ringing a lot of alarm bells, telling me not to do it, not to send the message, because you're not someone he would be comfortable talking with, and it would only end up looking so desperate.

So i'm not sending the message. I'm just putting it here. If you ever read this, you know what to do. If you don't, well, the post stays, as a reminder of what kind of person i am at this moment.