Hello, my love.
I wish you will read this.
I enjoy your presence. Your voice.
I don't know you enough, still.
But, you are my love.
It's been more than a year of secrecy. And concern and care. That I cannot let you know.
I don't want to break what is already there.
It's a huge lie to say that it is a risk worth taking. It never gets better than a risk, but, at least, I wish my chances were higher.
I've told myself, again and again, that I should be forgetting, and forget you. But I can't seem to do it.
I wish I was a better talker, but I'm not. I can't get the chance to know you more, besides by listening to your other conversations during lunch time.
I wish I could freely be there for you.

Ah, I'm very sleepy now. Good night, my love. I hope you have a good rest. And I hope your cough and body pains would go away...

I dont know why i love you, but i do. For no specific reason. I think im just enamored by your potential to be unraveled. Youre so quiet im curious about how you are when your screws are loosened. I wish i could do that, but as it is, i cant even look you in the eyes on random occassions. I feel shy around you. And im scared of being found out. Of you finding out. I do want you to know, but im not sure how to let you know, and what the consequences will be...

today, i have somehow convinced myself to reignite my photography "hobby" and my want to learn guitar playing.



all because i have killed 2 large roaches within a specific, short time frame.



funny how life can get to you through small, seemingly meaningless events.



there's a small part of this decision that involves you, though. there's a small part in there, i have to admit, that wants to do this in order to attract you. i'm not sure if that's a good thing, but if it's gonna fuel my passion and interest in learning, then so be it. i only hope that, when if the time comes that (a) i will have to leave you, or (b) i gradually forget about you, or (c) you ask me to go, that the passion and interest would still remain in me, and that my life would still continue, in the pursuit of personal interests, and not in pursuit of you.

new year. new... nothing really. nothing new.



and i'm sleepy and want this day to be over.



but i'm also waiting for you to go online before the clock strikes 12 just to know you're alive and probably enjoying the new year celebrations.



 i miss you so much.

Are you fucking serious i can't even count how many times you were so fuckin near and yet far away. So fuckin close but not reaching.

Jesus fuckin christ

Maybe it just can't happen

Maybe it just won't ever happen

i don't know where you are right now, whether SG or PH. i really miss you though. i hope you guys aren't affected by the recent aircraft mishap, although it's definitely not included in your itinerary.

i miss you so much.

i still have no idea when your flight to SG will be, because... yanno, i'm a loser like that. i was planning to ask you about it if you ever leave office ahead of me, and you did, but i was speechless, as usual.



also, Merry Christmas! i didn't get to greet you back, earlier.



ehm.



shit i'm speechless. haha.



but it's gonna be one long helluva vacation. and i know that i'll miss you.

today is officially the last day i'll be seeing you for this year, i think. unless you still plan to come to office on the 27th hahaha. but i hope not. i hope you get some rest, and be with your family or whoever (if that's how you wish it to be). it's a nice time to bond, on Christmas holidays.



me though... i'm not very sure how the holidays will pass... i don't know what "happy" would mean this time...

i would definitely be happy to hear from you though.

but that's just me. that's just wishful thinking. something i shouldn't expect to happen.

i want to go out with my friends.



i thought it was a go, but good thing i didn't instantly tell them about that possibility, because it got ruined really quickly.



i cried for a while after that.



it's not that my parents don't want me to meet my friends. it's that it's not very convenient for them. which i'm aware of.



i'm such a pathetic person i can't even go anywhere on my own.



and i don't want to burden my parents too much. my dad said we can go, and i can meet my friends, if someone can accompany my mom in the same mall. and she'll most probably enjoy being there with her sister and her sister's daughter/my cousin. but my aunt and my cousin are both sick, and her daughters are going to bring her to the hospital tomorrow, for a checkup. and my mom's just... i'm not sure if she's sick, but she doesn't seem like she wants to go.



i just couldn't push my dad to still drive me to that very-far mall even though it's just gonna be for me. it feels like a very selfish thing to do.



but i still cried. it was... heart ache. a very heavy feeling in my chest.

the sort of feeling you get when your dreams are crushed, your expectations are ruined.

some people are gonna call me selfish because i cried. i mean, i myself feel that way. but it doesn't erase the hurt that i experienced.



i feel like everything in my life can only happen upon other people's approval, or benefit, or use.



i just want to meet my friends after a very long time, for chrissakes.

I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FLYING TO SINGAPORE AND I FEEL LIKE I WON'T BE SEEING YOU FOR A LIFETIME



jesus fucking christ i'm pathetic.

I can't talk to you... i hope you have a safe trip...

I'll miss you so much.
:'(