what are you doing??

i'd like to ask you that question, face to face. but no. not until i know more.

and i don't want to assume things, but my brain is making stupid conclusions. not helping.

i want to see how you're doing "there", but that's gonna taint up my experiment. guess it can wait.

but ugh.

i wish we could be friends. like, pretty comfy friends. not acquaintances.

though, again, that would put fuel to the fire in my brain. hah. all of these cause and effects happening without direction.

my forever love.

People with siblings.

There's a certain happiness to them that I can't quite put a finger on.
There's also a certain pride among them.

It looks like it is such a good thing to have siblings. Like a person would be so lucky to have them. You grow up with friends and people you can talk to about everything. They force growth on you. And you feel comfortable around them, sometimes only to a certain level, of course, but still much more comfortable than you'll ever be with people you don't live under the same roof with.

I sometimes envy people with siblings, because more than anything, you know you have someone to talk to, who almost completely know who you are... and maybe they would do things for you in the same way that you would do things for them.

There's a certain irreplaceable love right there.

I think maybe God had frowned upon my existence. I never got anything that would've... no. Actually I did get things that would benefit me. Just not the things that I find to be lacking, right now... maybe I'm just asking for too much...

I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

But I will not impose my feelings on you. That is wrong. And we are probably wrong anyway so I really shouldn't hope too much.

I am so smitten it's not a joke anymore. Jesus christ I need help.

No okay that's just an exaggeration. Although i sometimes do feel that way. My feelings tend to come in waves. Calm or tsunami-ish, pick one.

But yeah. You know when you're... so scared of something that you yourself feel unsure about whether what you're doing or feeling is right or wrong... that. I feel that way towards this and towards you...

I am... destroying myself again.

I've always been a rebel. Just not the sort that holds up flags and placards. I do it by actions.

And I'm doing it again. This time against my condition. Diabetes is a silent, psychological, crippling disease that takes hold of your life. Puts limitations on it.

I hate that stupid diabetes bracket.

I hate that I'm governed by it.

I'm just. So. Tired. Of it.

The grounds that it is one-sided.

That it is not a mutual hiding of feelings.

That it is not. It does not exist and it cannot happen.

Stick to realities. Stick to reality. Stick to what is and not to what might be.

Do not hope.

Humans are the most constantly kinetic objects of the world. You cannot rely on them.

i'm having a headache. great.



why does it always hurt so much when people question my words?

i feel like i cannot be fully trusted. like my past is not clean, which it isn't, and it's destroying my present.

like everything i've worked hard for since my dark days are just for naught.



it's always a huge blow to my ego when someone questions me. i try very hard to only ever share and distribute facts. i don't want to people to be led astray by me. and yet... it's like some people don't have filters for what is true and what is not. cynics, maybe.



but that a person who doesn't even talk to you, forces you to bask in his/her cynical glory, is such a rude action.



civility can only be attained if at least one person in a group can stick with enough sanity to clean the mess up.

just because i don't talk to you in your times of distress doesn't mean i don't think about you. there are just people who are entitled to that position, and i am not one of them.

whatever the fuck happened to you. you're pretty much just skin and bones.



i wish i could talk to you freely so that i could, at the very least, make you feel that someone's here for you. i am here for you.



jesus christ. keep yourself together. please.

I hope you're already okay... i hope i can see you on monday... or earlier, if possible, just maybe.

I miss you and i need to know that youre alright.

Just be there, alive and well. My forever love.

:(

How are you? When are you coming back? What happened to you? I hope it's not serious... I miss you very much. But I can't really tell you that. I can't even ask you these questions directly.
I'm just gonna hope that I see you tomorrow/today. Though if you're still not well, it's okay by me if I don't see you, as long as you're okay.