I cannot keep myself calm and unthinking!!!
I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep. I just want to forget you, you secure piece of shit you.
Jesusssss make this stop. I don't want to develop feelings anymore!!!
I just want life to be calm and quiet now. I don't want butterflies anymore. Butterflies that only serve to deepen the depression afterward. I don't want them anymore. I don't want anything to do with love anymore. It always just leaves. It never granted me what, I think, I deserve. And now it's a new guy. It's only ever going to happen again. I mean really, it's most probably just me developing feelings for him, and it probably isn't even mutual.
We talked earlier, he even initiated it. But look at me: an idiot!!! I don't know how to respond, how to keep the conversation going. I don't know how to keep him. How much more am I supposed to even let him know my feelings? There's just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too many obstacles... including my nature... T^T

You're a challenge to unravel.

Is it just me dancing to this tune? Or are we doing an invincible, slow tango?

I'm not sure. Sometimes you look like it, sometimes you simply just can't care less. It's probably the latter though.

I'm telling myself to stop anticipating anything or wishing for anything. Because it is very much against the norms and would result in trouble. But hell. I wish there was a stop button to simply push.

You probably look down on me...
You probably think, "oh she's just a kid. Nothing special there."
Or maybe you simply think nothing at all. Because, maybe, "not worth my time."
But, man would i feel fulfilled if you just wondered about me sometimes.
Just sometimes is enough.
But... i dunno, really... it simply might not happen... because it simply isn't in your interests...

Ah. This is a hopeless thing. I hope i can get out soon enough. There seems nothing to wait for anyway.

gosh darned accurate. i think i wrote something like this before.

there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.

aw geesh. i can't help it. i'm just happy today. hahaha. omg.

i mean i did not even talk or do P.R. or anything, like, no effort to lighten up, at all. i just did what i think is best and what i think i'm good at. and... i got complimented. excuse me. we got complimented. this won't happen if it's just me.

i'm so happy aslkdjalksjdfkjalsdfjals XD

The idea of going into reclusion feels more and more appealing... i'm finding it hard finding my place in this world...

when you talk with your friends, or are part of the group having conversation, and you feel like most of the time, you can't really contribute anything, and neither can you relate with them besides on the shallow, superficial level only.

yes they're my friends, and i'm their friend, in the sense that we could go to each other when the need arises, even suddenly. we could rely on each other. but i really, really feel like i'm the brunt of the pack. the jackass who looks stupid for her actions.

i mostly don't understand how they can keep being friends with someone they're annoyed with. but i also think that the ease with which i break connections comes from the fact that i never really felt close to anyone when i was young... i treasure my friends now, but they're handpicked. some could come as close to me as one of my private circles, and then i let go of them easily because i find them shallow, or boastful, or rude and senseless. but my friends, they can still be friends with these people whose asses i have already kicked. i don't understand how, and i don't understand why. and it makes me feel as if i'm lacking some universal emotion that would enable me to withstand people more.

i just want a simple life. i don't want drama. i don't want to fight irritating people, and i don't want to fight with friends. so i simply classify them into 2: friend or nonexistent. the rest of the world is the 3rd category: those who i haven't met yet and have no judgment of.

i'm guilty of easily judging people. and i am paranoid, soooooo paranoid. i'm pretty much trying to create a cocoon of safety and friendship and comfort, and if i find something that i feel could possibly break this cocoon, or anger me too much to make me break my cocoon, then i will force it away. it's probably not a good combination, but i have survived. thus far.

but i am constantly reminded that there are always several sides to a story. a person has a 360deg profile created by the tons of people that s/he meets. some people, like my friends, can probably view into that 360deg profile, and thus give my irritating people chances to prove themselves worthy. but me? i can't view into that profile, somehow. or, i am able to view it once my actions are done.

i don't know if what i'm doing is right, or just, or... essential, even. i'm not sure. so far, it's been to pretty good effect on me directly, but it also gives a pretty bad effect when i see my friends tolerating these said persons. maybe it's just my view, even, that they're tolerating said persons. maybe they're really friends, and i'm the weird one. i still don't know. i'm still not sure. i'm just tired of trying to put gray shades all over supposedly black and white stuff.

this seems to be a bit of change on my part. i'm not in love or inspired while i'm writing this, nor am i, on my former post. lol.

but i do think that, if i will be getting a partner, maybe he should be someone who would care for me, and i for him. the idea just clicked in my head somehow. i think it would work for both of us.

and... hmm...

oh it's a full moon tonight. erm, sorta. i think there's still a bit of curve being covered.

anyway.

i don't know what to say lol.

oh umm.

it's kinda awkward when you do art for relatives, yea? it's like, when you give it to them, it comes with a threat that they should like it, and put it up somewhere in their house... because if they don't, then it's pretty obvious they don't like it...
and that's the question: did they like it? or didn't they?
slap in the face it is.

recapping~

i feel like i have just gone through one of my worst episodes of... mmm... self doubt? depression in general? i'm not sure.
there's this thing about, something like, the only road left for someone on top is downwards. i think it hit me somehow.
i have quite recently just finished my painting of the black cat, and i treasure it very dearly. i mean, i'm really really proud of that one. i'm not sure if it's in any way influenced by my fluctuating emotions, which seemed to really show up after i finished painting. BUT after i finished the painting, maybe 3-5days later, it all went downwaaarrddsss... i couldn't trust anyone, got annoyed with everything, doubted everything, felt so... so closed, or how do you term it... it's like i was a tightly closed clamshell and everything around me was going away. it felt like being abandoned. then there's also me feeling incredibly sensitive, and being very judgmental of everything, to the point where i feel so out of place with everyone...
i'm sure it's not PMS because i just finished my period then TMI, but it was sooooooo weird and sooooo tiring and it was like being in a tsunami of negative emotions... i don't ever want to be like that again. i don't ever want to experience that again. it was aslkfjalkdsflajskldfjalsdlkajlksjdfkjas.