gosh darned accurate. i think i wrote something like this before.

there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.

aw geesh. i can't help it. i'm just happy today. hahaha. omg.

i mean i did not even talk or do P.R. or anything, like, no effort to lighten up, at all. i just did what i think is best and what i think i'm good at. and... i got complimented. excuse me. we got complimented. this won't happen if it's just me.

i'm so happy aslkdjalksjdfkjalsdfjals XD

The idea of going into reclusion feels more and more appealing... i'm finding it hard finding my place in this world...

when you talk with your friends, or are part of the group having conversation, and you feel like most of the time, you can't really contribute anything, and neither can you relate with them besides on the shallow, superficial level only.

yes they're my friends, and i'm their friend, in the sense that we could go to each other when the need arises, even suddenly. we could rely on each other. but i really, really feel like i'm the brunt of the pack. the jackass who looks stupid for her actions.

i mostly don't understand how they can keep being friends with someone they're annoyed with. but i also think that the ease with which i break connections comes from the fact that i never really felt close to anyone when i was young... i treasure my friends now, but they're handpicked. some could come as close to me as one of my private circles, and then i let go of them easily because i find them shallow, or boastful, or rude and senseless. but my friends, they can still be friends with these people whose asses i have already kicked. i don't understand how, and i don't understand why. and it makes me feel as if i'm lacking some universal emotion that would enable me to withstand people more.

i just want a simple life. i don't want drama. i don't want to fight irritating people, and i don't want to fight with friends. so i simply classify them into 2: friend or nonexistent. the rest of the world is the 3rd category: those who i haven't met yet and have no judgment of.

i'm guilty of easily judging people. and i am paranoid, soooooo paranoid. i'm pretty much trying to create a cocoon of safety and friendship and comfort, and if i find something that i feel could possibly break this cocoon, or anger me too much to make me break my cocoon, then i will force it away. it's probably not a good combination, but i have survived. thus far.

but i am constantly reminded that there are always several sides to a story. a person has a 360deg profile created by the tons of people that s/he meets. some people, like my friends, can probably view into that 360deg profile, and thus give my irritating people chances to prove themselves worthy. but me? i can't view into that profile, somehow. or, i am able to view it once my actions are done.

i don't know if what i'm doing is right, or just, or... essential, even. i'm not sure. so far, it's been to pretty good effect on me directly, but it also gives a pretty bad effect when i see my friends tolerating these said persons. maybe it's just my view, even, that they're tolerating said persons. maybe they're really friends, and i'm the weird one. i still don't know. i'm still not sure. i'm just tired of trying to put gray shades all over supposedly black and white stuff.

this seems to be a bit of change on my part. i'm not in love or inspired while i'm writing this, nor am i, on my former post. lol.

but i do think that, if i will be getting a partner, maybe he should be someone who would care for me, and i for him. the idea just clicked in my head somehow. i think it would work for both of us.

and... hmm...

oh it's a full moon tonight. erm, sorta. i think there's still a bit of curve being covered.

anyway.

i don't know what to say lol.

oh umm.

it's kinda awkward when you do art for relatives, yea? it's like, when you give it to them, it comes with a threat that they should like it, and put it up somewhere in their house... because if they don't, then it's pretty obvious they don't like it...
and that's the question: did they like it? or didn't they?
slap in the face it is.

recapping~

i feel like i have just gone through one of my worst episodes of... mmm... self doubt? depression in general? i'm not sure.
there's this thing about, something like, the only road left for someone on top is downwards. i think it hit me somehow.
i have quite recently just finished my painting of the black cat, and i treasure it very dearly. i mean, i'm really really proud of that one. i'm not sure if it's in any way influenced by my fluctuating emotions, which seemed to really show up after i finished painting. BUT after i finished the painting, maybe 3-5days later, it all went downwaaarrddsss... i couldn't trust anyone, got annoyed with everything, doubted everything, felt so... so closed, or how do you term it... it's like i was a tightly closed clamshell and everything around me was going away. it felt like being abandoned. then there's also me feeling incredibly sensitive, and being very judgmental of everything, to the point where i feel so out of place with everyone...
i'm sure it's not PMS because i just finished my period then TMI, but it was sooooooo weird and sooooo tiring and it was like being in a tsunami of negative emotions... i don't ever want to be like that again. i don't ever want to experience that again. it was aslkfjalkdsflajskldfjalsdlkajlksjdfkjas.

is feeling alone a result of the "victim" alienating himself?

maybe. i'm not sure. but i feel alone all the time.
bonding is hard. bonding feels really awkward. i feel like i'm in this bubble that separates me from everyone.

i kinda wish someone would try to pop this "bubble" to get to know me, because personally, i don't know how to bloom by myself. people around me tend to be very levelheaded, and yet also know how to "sell" themselves. i don't. i just tend to control people. it's like i'm imposing my dreams on them, so they would be what i wish to be. and yet, i can't do it myself. i can't do those things myself. yeah i'm looking for a bit of attention, the proper sort, the one where people give me attention because they think i actually deserve it, not because i'm doing something ridiculous to get their attention. but i suppose i'm just too boring and imposing to deserve it.

oh jesus i'm so pathetic looool

but good gods would it be nice to hear you talking again

The Meowness

it's done :) almost, lol. need to put background and a bit more improvements, but i consider this pretty much done. it was a very nice experience.

i didn't put this on my dA or fb artwork description, but this artwork is actually a way to prove to myself that i do have some talent in here. that i do have some skills, and it's not just my imagination or my ego speaking.

i've seen my friends do really good stuff. and... tbh it hurts me because it makes me think, "am i even creative or artistic enough? why do they keep drawing and i don't? why can't i find the motivation to draw?" to them, drawing is like their second language. to me, it's my outlet, and it is slightly more optional to me than how they consider drawing to be.

but yes, i do want to draw and paint. i love painting. this work is one of the best journeys i've ever gone through, to the point where i felt irritated that my time for it was always in fractions. i wanted to keep painting on it until i'm tired, then i'd rest and paint again when i wake up. it's that kind of motivation. that kind of vigor that i want to have. and this has proven that i have it. i just need to find the right triggers.

i know that it's not as good as other professional artists can, but it reassures me that, this here is proof that i have something more. that i'm not as boring as i or others think. that i can do well, paint well, and maybe even get better at it, and it would be nice if i could make myself stick to this feeling of motivation.