so... what did i become an artist for?

i suppose i could draw... a little...

but i'm seeing how my friends can actually draw... and i feel like i shouldn't even be in the same group as them...

i do feel out of place sometimes... it's like, why are you guys so interested in comics or tv shows or robots and i'm not?

and this les miserables thing... i don't even think i'm actually playing as Lesgle... i mean i haven't even seen him in the movie yet lol.

hmm.

i think i'm just trying to make a niche for myself, find out what i really want and who i really am or what i'm really made of.

right now, i feel like there are times when i'm just dragging my friends down... keeping them from progressing because of my advices or opinions...

sometimes i don't know anymore if they actually are special like that or they themselves are also trying to find out what they're made of...

don't get me wrong, i do love them. it's just... that feeling of being out of place sometimes... it's like we're all welcome in each other's company but... i wouldn't really be able to catch up with them even if i tried...

just feeling so... down. negatively placid.
and tired, overall.

i just wish things were so simple. a no is a no, a yes is a yes, and a wait means a yes but not now.

and umm... dunno. i just hate myself. this isn't an emo sort of thing ok. it's just... i hate that i have to live with myself. hate that i was born like this. it's not an angry, raging kind of hate. it's just... just hate. just don't like. i feel very inadequate. like my life and my being is the epitome of things that should have been done, but weren't done.

i'm pretty disappointed with myself. somehow. i think i can do better things, but when that situation comes, where i need to do my best, it's like my best is... just so average. just so unspecial. it's just something other people would maybe look at once and then pass by, or maybe not even look at.

i just don't feel fulfilled or able to fulfill what i want. what my brain wants. it's like a lot of things are stopping me. lots of both existing and nonexisting things. i don't want those limits, but i feel like i'm limiting myself.

bah. enough of this shit.

i am a fragile flower (of no beauty whatsoever, or maybe a bit, if you would be generous) who is looking for someone to take care of me. fully and completely.

i cannot supply you anything much, because i'm a weak little plant, simply spreading my roots day by day, millimeter by millimeter. maybe a bit of entertainment, but you will probably be bored anyway.

no, i do not aspire anymore. i have no dreams. seriously. i feel like i simply exist to do things that should be done by someone, anyone, who would exist to do them, and i was put in this position to do these things. to provide a little, fleeting entertainment, not really to be gazed upon and written poetry about; just a little flower among tons of other, more attention-grabbing, more exuberant flowers.

i cannot really promise you anything. if you ever learn to love me, then i might just give you sorrow when i leave. i don't... i'm not even sure if i would ever mean anything to you. maybe i'm just that little pest plant that happens to bloom a lot of useless flowers, filling up some space here and there. but i don't really feel any sort of importance. i don't really feel any kind of appreciation. because i'm not a plant sold in malls by hundreds of dollars, given to loved ones, or planted in assigned flower pots, to be taken care of daily. i may or may not get some sun, but it doesn't really matter whether i do or don't, does it? you'll figure i just exist like that.

i don't really know what to do anymore.

plants take care of themselves. not all plants get human or greenhouse care. most just thrive by themselves, all the while trampling over and covering the source of sunlight for other plants.

i don't want to be like that. i don't want to have to trample over other people just to get my share of the spotlight. they don't deserve that treatment, and neither do i have the right to do that.

should i evolve? into a new plant? a new person?

i feel like i'm nearing the end of my rope.

i don't know. just... i don't really see any kind of hope anywhere. i can't really see any sort of positive outlook to change into. and i'm just tired.

i think i'm just making things look special and complicated by trying to believe that i am intelligent, kind, loyal, stable, etc. i might not be any of that. i'm seeing a lot of signs lately showing that i'm not like that at all. it kinda hurts, things being slapped in your face that way, and it's hard to digest when in your younger years you were treated with grace and such for being an achiever who has no other life but school subjects.

i don't want that anymore. i'd like to forget my self image, and create a new one that is more accurate and less disappointing.

today is one of those days that i just felt the need to listen to some rock. it's both invigorating and tiring at the same time. very enjoyable today though. i miss this track. <3 p="">

i'm blogging more than usual. this is a sign.

you, korean guy. with the former emo hair which is now too short. and the muscled arms now that i didn't get to notice before (which i kinda don't like now lol, hence noticed). and the sleepy eyes and perfect smile, and the nose that i don't like because it reminds me of someone i hate.

the hell is with the cutesy demeanor?!

also, how is it that you can easily change face?!

and the bigger question,

why did you suddenly appear in my dream? you were leading me somewhere in the hospital. that's it. then you went away or something. i was expecting to still see you, but then i woke up. why??

and, it's a way off time to affect me! BoF has been over for... what... a year? 2years? it's way too late to call my attention!

i don't want to think of you anymore. it's getting silly. silly that i'm thinking of someone who isn't even anywhere as low as i am. you're way too high. you're up there. i wish you were just lowly like me, so i can at least try to reach you. but no, i can't.

i'm not gonna drag you down and be the desperate little bitch. i know my boundaries and i know who and how i am, and either i'm gonna get over you, or you make a choice. which is like, 100% impossible hahaha. oh well. dreams.

edit:

i seriously hate your arms. >~<
big guys are... ew.

i'm going to tell you what i think.

and i goddamn hell hope that you would see this and translate it lol. and i hope that if you do, it would be a good translation.

i think it would be a fairy tale brought to life.

i think it would be every hopeless romantic's dream, and they wouldn't really be jealous. i think they'd be happy for me too, and they'd wish that it would also happen to them.

i think it would be such a beautiful dream that i wouldn't be able to completely, 100%, absorb it, for how long my life lasts.

because it would be perfect. it would be... yes, perfect. in every sense.

it would be unattainable

it would be beautiful, but also stressful, busy, active all the time. we might even get tired after some time, but still come back to each other when we recover. when you recover, because i will give you more understanding, because you will need it, as dictated by your work.

and it would just be lively. we will be like teenagers in love. it would be an innocent sort of love, simply enjoying the company of each other while walking the streets, running from people, hiding, playing games, etc. it would be the sort of fun where we fit with each other like a 2-piece puzzle put right. it would be fulfilling, it would be wholesome, it would be complete.

..........

but yeah, i'm just dreaming, and that's the part that hurts the most. i don't want to keep losing hope on things that i dream of, but sometimes i also get confused on whether to actually hope for something that is most likely not gonna happen, or just listen to the rules of probability, telling me that, no, dear, there's only 1% chance of that happening. you're better off just doing what you would do when the other 99% happens, and i'm pretty sure the 99% would, not the 1%.

people are bound to leave.

people come and go. when they come, it could be a blast, it could be awkward, it could be fleeting. but they will go.

those who are lucky enough and stable enough get one or two close friends who will stay forever with them. but those like me... i don't know, i guess i don't have enough... "essence"... to actually keep a friend. they'll probably only feel that i am hiding things from them, even though i'm not. i simply don't have anything to tell.


this image is very nice. would be very nice. but i don't think anyone will respond for me haha. it would be nice if someone did though.

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

i didn't think it would take THIS long. wow.

geesh. what to do now? nothing or nothing. not like there are any choices anyway.

i could try to find you again but i would probably end up with the same results. aaaaand... i think i'll just leave it at that. i think i don't want to go on another search and end up miserable again.

gruhhhh.

oh, right. today would be 2mos and 26days.

i don't like this feel. i wish it just goes away. haha. :|

visited the cousin and her baby today in CGH.

i was really really hoping to see him. but no, no signs of him even. then again, he must only be assigned on the upper floor.

argh.

how can i not find you??