been a while. feels really empty.

i wonder about people. and i wonder if they wonder about me. and what about.

if life stops for someone, or for the self, or if it continues to pull you but in a direction that you are unwilling to go.

being worthless is the worst feeling in the world.

Di ko alam kung sinong kayang umintindi sakin. O baka talagang gago ako kaya di ako maintindihan. Baka kahit anong effort mo maging mabuting anak, pag pinanganak kang gago, wala ka nang mababago dun. Baka nga talagang gago lang ako. Sorry. Kanina iniisip ko buti nalang di nabuhay yung 2 kong kapatid para di nila to nararanasan. Then again parang buti nga at di sila nabuhay kasi malamang di nila to deserve, kasi kunsakali ako lang naman yung magiging gago samin. Para di na nila makita yung kagaguhan ko. Parang wala naman akong tamang nagagawa? O kulang palagi? O dahil siguro gago ako kaya di ako marunong rumespeto? Pakiramdam ko naman yun lang yung paraan ko mag cope pero parang mali parin? I dont mean to defend my actions pero i mean parang nawawalan na ako ng pag asa mag effort kasi parang mali lahat ng reactions ko? Like im supposed to be respectful and not think of it as stupid or offensive or.. ewan, makulit? Siguro nga ako yung may maling judgment? Which happens a lot. At mahirap yung di ko napapansin na mali ang judgment ko until sumabog na. Parang mas ok nalang na wala akong kakilala para wala akong maoffend? Or... i dunno. Pwede pa ba to icorrect? May shortcut ba para marealize ko lahat ng katangahan ko bago mangyari? O talagang pinanganak akong bastos? Pakiramdam ko parang wala akong karapatan mapikon o magalit kasi wala pa naman akong alam sa buhay? Minsan lang di ko talaga maintindihan na may mga bagay na kailangan pag usapan e kung ako naman yung nasa pwesto kaya ko naman isolve mag isa? O baka nasanay ako mashadong maging loner kaya ineexpect ko rin na ganun ang ibang tao. Then again ano naman ang status ng social life ko. Nabubulok na. Di ko rin talaga alam e. Di rin talaga ko marunong e. Sadyang tanga lang ata talaga.

Everyone seems to be getting somewhere while here i am stuck in the office room growing a bigger butt and bigger thighs.
I'd have to be the picture for a representation of "waste of oxygen and space"
I'm not sure what i'm feeling. Frustrated or furious or just about giving up.

Help?
What for?
I'm just lonely. Nothing more.

A sudden strong wave of missing you.
If i had been... brave... or daring... or just stupid enough to try... i wonder how it will be now...

Hurt.
Hormones stop playing with ne hahahaha
It's during these times that my sense of hurt gets heightened
It's not that there's no cause. It's that everything from the past comes back with the same sting it hit with the first time...
I just wish someone could see beyond the layers.

It's been a year.
I miss you even though it's done for and there's no turning back and i've forgotten about you for quite a while already.
But i miss you today.

Life has been meaningless in this new job.
And i have... nothing else to anchor to.
I am losing interest even in keeping myself healthy.
Going back to my old, pre work life is tempting but also threatening. And also boring tbh haha.

I miss cuddling kittens and cats. I miss cuddling the kitty in the office. He was my constant source of joy. But now it's the total opposite. He now reminds me of the unfairness of life. Such a small thing to enjoy but still not available to me.

I'm tired. Good night.

Man my motivation is just... i can't find it. Just feel tired everyday...

A sad emote is not what im feeling right now. That shit is too childish to indicate anything. I know im feeling sadness but theres also anger, frustration, desperation and hopelessness. Theres doubt and anxiety. Theres the feeling of being foolish. Theres the want to be understood. Theres the yearning for a connection that at the moment eludes me, and it's possibly because i taunt my instincts too much even though im almost always wrong.
A sigh best encapsulates the feeling, but still it feels like a goodbye that im not sure i want to give...

My dilemma, real or not, is that i feel like i still need to find my own footing in this world. I feel like there are people i love, and people i can love, but that i do not have or know or have yet realized ways to affirm my feelings for them. And i do not have the guts to go free. And i do not feel like i want to be tied down into something as soon as i get to go on my own. And it's making me sad that i don't know how to tell you that yes, i missed you, but not anymore in a crush-crush way, and more like missing a person you are not threatened of, missing the safety of that person that doesn't have to mean anything else other than safety and familiarity and the freedom to do anything without being blindly judged.
I miss your mind and your ecstatic being, your preferred innocence and quiet wisdom. Your humility. I miss all of that. I have not yet found someone comparable. But i also don't want to cling to that hope too much. And i'm so disappointed that i'm too cowardly to act for myself.