It's been a year.
I miss you even though it's done for and there's no turning back and i've forgotten about you for quite a while already.
But i miss you today.

Life has been meaningless in this new job.
And i have... nothing else to anchor to.
I am losing interest even in keeping myself healthy.
Going back to my old, pre work life is tempting but also threatening. And also boring tbh haha.

I miss cuddling kittens and cats. I miss cuddling the kitty in the office. He was my constant source of joy. But now it's the total opposite. He now reminds me of the unfairness of life. Such a small thing to enjoy but still not available to me.

I'm tired. Good night.

Man my motivation is just... i can't find it. Just feel tired everyday...

A sad emote is not what im feeling right now. That shit is too childish to indicate anything. I know im feeling sadness but theres also anger, frustration, desperation and hopelessness. Theres doubt and anxiety. Theres the feeling of being foolish. Theres the want to be understood. Theres the yearning for a connection that at the moment eludes me, and it's possibly because i taunt my instincts too much even though im almost always wrong.
A sigh best encapsulates the feeling, but still it feels like a goodbye that im not sure i want to give...

My dilemma, real or not, is that i feel like i still need to find my own footing in this world. I feel like there are people i love, and people i can love, but that i do not have or know or have yet realized ways to affirm my feelings for them. And i do not have the guts to go free. And i do not feel like i want to be tied down into something as soon as i get to go on my own. And it's making me sad that i don't know how to tell you that yes, i missed you, but not anymore in a crush-crush way, and more like missing a person you are not threatened of, missing the safety of that person that doesn't have to mean anything else other than safety and familiarity and the freedom to do anything without being blindly judged.
I miss your mind and your ecstatic being, your preferred innocence and quiet wisdom. Your humility. I miss all of that. I have not yet found someone comparable. But i also don't want to cling to that hope too much. And i'm so disappointed that i'm too cowardly to act for myself.

It's so strange to sort of want to be with people who actually interact with each other, but then remain silent and only observe. Or maybe yes i do want to be included, but maybe im looking for the feeling of being at home, belonging and not needing to speak to belong.

I feel empty?

The back pain coincides with the microalbumin problem.
New development?
If i won't be able to do some service then might as well just die
I dont know who to talk to who would understand what im feeling right now...

To be... approachable? Without having to twist reality.
Or
To be wary... and find a person who prefers sense over rose-tinted glasses...

Hmm.

It feels stupid to me to try to be idealistic... everyone wants good but no one works to be it. Then they see the flower but fail to see the spider. They get mad when they get caught when really, the webs have been there all along...

I can't help it. It feels empty inside.
The little victories are nice and all, but altogether fleeting...

Feeling every bit insecure. Every bit not enough...
I'm looking at people from my vantage point and everyone seems to have happy, perfect, full lives with friends and family and just... you know, they find comfort easily, thus finding their "homes" easily too.
I still yearn to go home.
Why does it seem like i don't have this connection that other people can easily experience?
Do i isolate myself too much?
I'm well aware that i am not at all special. Beyond that... i don't know. You have special people finding other special people to bond with. Mediocre people with mediocre people too. And actually, there's no special or mediocre, thus everyone finds someone, somewhere, someday.
So i... i dunno what the future holds for me but at the moment, i feel very alone. Like as much as i want to make friends or be sociable or be approachable or interesting yada yada... like all of that is not in me. Like i could superficially try but at the end of the day i'd just feel like i am being a traitor. And i won't be able to continuously do it anyway.
I wonder where that connection is. I need it too...