Sleep

Good night, love. I hope we'll see each other in our dreams. Good dreams.

so uhh...



it kinda looks like we've both built walls around ourselves.



we're both just knocking on shells, it looks.



or maybe just me, only me who's knocking.



you've prolly no idea but you've been fitting into my thoughts really well. i mean, even my slice-of-life dreams include you. kinda worrisome, kinda mind-boggling, kinda happy. but also heartbreaking, because it looks like it'll just be in my dreams. at least for now. if things don't change.



kinda hoping they change, in a good way. but i'm also not sure if this is something i'm willing to risk.



i mean, i wish it would be an easy transition, a natural one, not the sort where i'd (we'll) suddenly feel the pressures of friendship, relationship, reliance etc. emphasis on pressure.



i'm thinking this way even though i don't even know if i'll be welcome to you haha. i'm leaping great distances. i might need to run back lots more.



i don't want to think about you anymore. that same not-want as i knew i'd keep feeling as long as i feel for you.



i wish i could just flick a switch and everything would be back to normal. acquaintances as acquaintances.



no, really, 3+ years and still acquaintances, it feels.



pfah. too much hope. it's already starting to cost me my happiness. kinda like a huge investment. it returns, but does not return in 150%. only like 10-20%. then takes everything back.

Thoughts and unspeakable words...

Do you really not see me?
Do you really not notice anything?

Sorry. I know it's just personal preference and shit like that... i mean i know im not really part of... that area of your life... if you dont talk about it then it most probably isnt my business...

Its just somehow overlapping with my hatred for myself... for being not enough for anything...

I get so conscious when youre around that i tend to lose all my ideas...

Im just not natural like this... on this...

I wish that i could actually see some sort of... stimuli, reassurance from you. But thats a wish for one of the extremes isnt it? I mean maybe this is better, this friendship, acquaintance is better, than nothing at all...

But im still curious about you. Im still... wondering about how your mind works. How you think and feel. What matters most to you. Maybe your sources of joy. A lot of missing becauses to a lot of my whys. I just want to know you more, be able to appreciate you more, know how your mind works.

But this isnt exactly easily accessible to me... and im making chances smaller by being so awkward... im sorry...

I want to tell you all of this but i cant...

...

just after i rant about my anger and frustration towards god, you wear a friggin' cross necklace.

i honestly didn't notice it personally. the madam did, and told me about it. how it was so small and thin, and it looked girly, and you looked like a girl with it.

but i don't care what kind of cross you're wearing. i just know that you're wearing one. and right now, it feels like a statement of total rejection towards me.

i'm probably being too emotional about this, and being too affected over something that isn't even confirmed to be done for me, or in retaliation of my beliefs. but the timing is unbelievably uncanny, and... i would've wanted a little understanding, more than anything... i would've wanted a little support. from anyone, even.

not an ounce of it. or, not in real life, that is.

i think my intuition was right when i felt that i wanted to know ahia david more. i was attracted to him like i would be to a mentor.

he is, so far, one of the gentlest souls, both in the family and among all, that i've ever met. and i'm thankful for him being there. i will never stop wishing him happiness.

Talking talents that do not exist

It's frustrating how i can't talk to you beyond work...

I miss you so much even though we see each other every workday. It's like you're there but you're just a walking talking hologram...

I missed you. I miss you. I will always miss you. And that smell hahaha. It's stuck with you. I think I'll always identify you with that smell. Like i did before with my first love and his particular smell.

I wish that electric zap way back would happen again. That was definitely different.

Why do i act/think like i'm so sure of you? I'm so friggin screwed orz

Pokerface

Always hanging...

Doesn't help that we have such same personalities.

I hope a day comes when i could just hug you tightly and you will understand completely. And i hope it can be reciprocated.

It's just so awkward right now, with nothing to build on...

Hmm.

I think I just had the most number of eye contact with you within the past 2 days. Why do you look at me? I'm not sure of what you're trying to indicate. I mean I sometimes feel like you're curious about my reactions, judging, but at other times, I feel like you're seeking approval from me.

Kinda weird, but I think I might be doing the same to you. I think we're sort of mirroring each other, not sure if intentionally doing so or not, but probably not..?

Stationary dilemma

I cannot stop thinking about you.
I think about you when i wake up.
I think about you when i'm picking out my clothes for the day.
I think about you during bath time, during breakfast, while waiting for my ride.
I think about you when i get to work. Whether you're already there or whether you're coming to work.
I think about what you might be wearing that day.
I think about you while working. Possible chance circumstances that may let us talk comfortably, or just quietly be in the same room, noting each other's presence and using that to focus on the work before us.
I think about you when work ends for the day.
I think about you when going home, wondering what time you'll be going home yourself.
I think about mentally bidding you goodbye and seeing you again tomorrow.
I think about you when i get home, and me and dad eat dinner. I think about how dinner would be like if it were between us two. I wonder if it would be enjoyable and heartwarming and filling, as any meal should be.
I think about you while washing the dishes, wondering what you would have been doing at that moment.
I think about you as i properly keep all the dishes and whatnots, and then lock up the house and go upstairs.
I think about you as i go online and check your friend ranking and your profile, in case you posted something new.
I think about you as i go to sleep.
I think about you all the time, but for now, i will sleep. I hope i dream of you.

Hay...

How are you? Wonder what happened to your mum...

Ive been putting meaning on everything you do... though i know that all of it is pointless unless i hear it from you yourself...

I love you... i hope you love me back... i hope there will come a time when i dont have to write down my feelings anymore, instead directly saying them to you... and i hope the time comes when you feel the same way, when we both feel comfortable around each other...

I keep hoping...

i've been harboring my feelings for you for more than a year now, but i still question why i do...



i don't think i'm mature enough to handle this. not even mature enough to get into a relationship. i feel like... i'm too childish to be in one...? i feel like i still don't know a lot of things to even be thinking of... you. of being with you. and... maybe i'm not "adult" enough just yet...?



i kind of feel that it's a good thing no one has tried courting me yet. i know that i don't exactly want to show interest either, because i'm scared of the notion of being... courted? i mean, i would like it, and i would love to feel that i'm appreciated by someone and someone's interested in who i am, but i'm scared of how formal it could get. meeting the parents, asking for permission to go out, trying to fit someone into your life... it feels tedious, maybe stressful, very obligatory, to be doing these things.



do these things come naturally with the right person?



possibly? maybe? maybe if the couple in the relationship/courtship stage is mature enough, maybe it would be natural to them. and to the spectators. and other people involved. maybe.



i'm still just... cautious about it though. it's a very new experience, if ever, and it involves other people, and involves showing your emotions, being vulnerable to many people, especially to that one person who you wish to be part of your life, but still has the chance to not want/be in your life in the future. it's scary.