chahnees nyuu yiiah



putting the holidays on the wrong days. hah.

i guess it's okay though. i can still see you on friday, before the week ends.



i wish everyday would mean better relations between us. better talks. better comfort. mmm... maybe better friendship.

Vday? What vday?

Yeah so, valentines went by like one of em normal, boring days.
I had kinda wanted it to be different this time... but no. Nothing.
He's also still quiet, as usual.
Ehmmm... im... it's rather depressing, actually. Like... something's probably wrong with me. I dunno.
I wonder how he feels though. Or if he has any date. Or loved one. S.
I wish i didn't have anything to lose so that i could just freely tell him how i feel. Im just too much of a coward with these things.

i hope you're okay...

Shards of jealousy

Why do you talk to her like that... i know it's just work... but...
There's also the mmk episode hahahahhaha such big deal what
I just feel like... im being pushed aside... again... and im jealous... i feel like everything i worked for is for naught... just because her department is not my department... her strength is not my strength... you dont ask me things because why would you? She has the answers, not me, i dont have em.
Im just...
I wish i wasnt like this... i wish i was more comfortable talking... or... i dunno. I wish i could also be appreciated... feel genuinely appreciated... i wish i could help you more...
I know that this is a very immature feeling... theres no point to this, nor proper cause... i guess im just looking for something to point my frustrations at... because if you had wanted to ask for my help, im pretty sure you would... not out of any other reason than the need for help... as is with her...
Im sorry if i feel neglected but also dont want the spotlight... im just looking for someone who would understand me and would be patient with me...

this has long been in my head.



i wonder how life would be when my parents get really old. i mean, yeah they're old now, but, geriatrics old. bedridden old.

possibly amnesiac old. alzheimer's old.

i wonder how i would fare. i wonder how i would be able to take care of them. i wonder how i'll be able to pay the bills, or clean no, cleaning house is not a problem. i wonder how i'll be able to keep up with their medicines and their needs. how i'll manage to remind them about who they are, who i am, and what they are doing. would i even manage? nobody wants responsibility like this. nobody wants to feel obligated to do this. neither do i, but i know that i should. it's my duty. i cannot simply leave them when they need me the most. but i wonder all the same.



i wonder who i could run to for help, if the need arises. i wonder who would come and help me, of their own volition.



i wonder if i can make it.

Hey, you.

I'm being incredibly frustrated by my current state.
I honestly don't mind that I'm single and nbsb at this age. What bothers me is that I can't get an answer from you. I can't tell you anything. I can't... simply be friends with you, even.
I don't know if I'm playing a game or We're playing a game. I want to know you more and understand you and maybe be able to comfortably talk with you. Maybe it would open doors up. Maybe it could help me move on. Maybe it could clear things up between us and I might find an accidental best friend (because I somehow think that it's possible).
So many maybe's and no answers to be had. Because things can get awkward. Because this isn't what normal people do or feel. Because I'm scared to start, or possibly end, anything.
I wish you could see this though. I wish that my entries in this blog would open my heart to you, in the way that words can't do for me. In the way that actions can't do for me.
I'm so sorry that I cannot say this out loud. I'm just not as strong or courageous to do so. I'm scared of doing this live, saying these things in your face, because it will expose me horribly - me and my emotions, my heart, my tears and awkward laughter. And... I'm just scared of being rejected again. Being put aside again. Being told that it isn't possible. Not being... held... as precious... or deserving. I'm scared of that possibility.
But I will do something different this time. I will put a lighted firecracker in the forest, and see if it gets your attention. I'm still too much of a coward to put this directly through you, but this feels pretty bold as it is.
Marvin.
Yeah, you.
You should know this. "Should" is rather suffocating, I think, but this is how I feel right now. I feel that I should tell you about this. My blog contains my feelings and questions from a year of admiring you from afar. Just go back through my posts if you want to know how deep this is, and thus, how horribly pathetic this is.

UGH

JFC I NEED YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL.
I know that it isn't obvious at all BUT REALLY.
Well.
... nothing, really.
I can't really throw anything at you because I know for a fact that I haven't said anything myself.
It's just incredibly frustrating.
Incredibly frustrating to fall in love with a person who, as societal norms dictate, is not at all a good choice, because of that huge age gap and the weird connections of kinship, nevermind the person's goodness and intelligence. You're just too old, they would say.
BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TRY TO LOOK AROUND. I'd be so fuckin lucky, God help me, if you actually do see this blog. The job would be done for me. And I might, at the very least, get some sort of closure over this.
I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS SO YOU WOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL. I'm so bad with verbal language, I'd probably faint from anxiety if I did this personally. Live.
So I'll just keep wishing that you see this, on your own, out of your own curiosity. I'll just keep wishing that you'll understand. (I'm hoping it would be mutual, but that's pretty far off the beaten track. Still not giving up though, my heart.)
My death wish is nearing pretty fast. It's... just about 4mos away now. I'm not sure if I want it to happen, but... I wish that you'd be in my life, whether it happens or not. I wish you'd be in my life before my death happens, whatever date it's bound to happen on.

i know that i shouldn't be expecting anything from you. but it's still equally frustrating, whether i have or don't have the right to expect anything. i wish you wouldn't be so guarded up and locked down. an angel might be purity and goodness embodied, but you do not get life out of an angel.

Faint warnings

I wonder how you'll feel... i wonder what it would mean to you. I wonder what scenarios would be created in your brain... if there would be any at all. I wonder if you even care.

I wish you did. I wish you do. I wish you would.

I love you. I can love you. But im being cautious because everything is still covered up in clouds. But... id like to think that youre trying.

Im sorry if i dont know how to respond... i wish i could read your mind too. So that i'll know whether you feel the same or not at all.

i just don't know what to make of you.



i feel like you're my twin, somehow.



it's almost mutual, but also negating.



such weird.