What ever happened to you that made you change...

I'm curious about what happened during your 2010.

I wonder why you seem happy, though kinda spaced out, in the office, but you're completely silent on facebook. Not like how you seem to be in the past years.

I wonder what made you change. I don't think it's just age. Maybe you just lost interest in things... that's also quite possible.

I wonder who hurt you. And how.

I wonder where your flame went...

what i'm seeing is not making any sense...

if that is supposed to be a cover up, then you're being really good at it.

i'm very, very curious though. so i'll try to look for more links.

all i have right now is nothing. hmm.

i don't know if i should still be pursuing this or not anymore. if there is anything or nothing to find.

hmm.

I've written so many things about you, so many things to you, for you... what has come of it all?

Nothing...

Nothing, because I'm not making a move... because I'm afraid of definite rejection... because it isn't normal... because it will break boundaries and ties and override our system of respect...

Because I have no definite reason to rank you as reachable and irreplaceable. No solid foundation to make me decide that you are a need, not just a want, a flitting feather of teenage fancy...

All of this and yet... I just can't seem to let you go... for what reason, I have no idea... maybe I'm just entertaining my hopeless romantic fantasies of "it will come as a cute, romantic surprise soon enough"...

i need you. i just want a good hug. i want to feel stable and secure.



am i insecure? maybe. not so much as to compare myself to others, but i'm pretty insecure in myself. i don't trust myself too much.



a little support would be really good.



and a little understanding. and some concern. some love. some assurance that i won't be alone all my life.



but... that's eventually how it's gonna end up... right? i'm eventually gonna be alone in the future. i feel alone now, as is. i mean i have friends and relatives, and i know they would wholeheartedly welcome me, but... i dunno... it's very alienating, still...



it's possible that i'm just stopping myself from being close to them... tbh i'm not that comfortable about doing it... and as it is, i've really not much of anyone to turn to...

i'm sick... and i wish you would show a bit of concern... text me or something... ask how i'm doing... maybe get worried somehow...



why do i have to keep waiting on people to love me...



yeah i dun need lectures on friends and family shit. that's rather obvious if you ask me. i'm also obviously asking for someone who would actually learn to love and care for me... it's a different thing when someone becomes attached to you. and the person didn't even share your life. or... i dunno. childhood friends to couples are nice too. just someone of different descent, to actually feel that they need you. it's a very... precious, humbling thing to experience.



and i wish that would be you. by some almighty power of statistics breaking and reality breaking, i wish it could be you.

O baka rin naman kasi na ayaw ko lang makinig sa pinakamalalim kong kutob... yung ayaw tumuloy na mahulog kasi ang ibigsabihin noon ay tuluyang katangahan... di marunong pumili... di marunong manantsya... at the same time, meron ding kumakalawit sakin na nagsasabing pwede ka naman talaga pagkatiwalaan, kilalanin lang ng maigi...

Not like i have the chance to do that. Lol.

Hay. Lutang sa ere ang lola mo. Sana manhid nalang ako.

Naghihintay na nga lang ata akong ihampas mo mismo sa mukha ko kung ano man yung mga nakikita kong clear signs... sa totoo lang wala akong makitang direct sign or evidence, pero...

Ewan ko, pwede rin naman kasing mali ako o mali ako, depende kung saan ako nakatuon. Pero... ang hirap rin kasi na iaassume ko lang lahat, nang walang solid proof... o iaassume ko lahat, kahit may weak proof... para akong nakikipaglaro sa apoy na ayaw mamatay-matay pero ayaw rin namang lumaki... andyan lang para manggulo.

Sana sayo nalang mismo manggaling yung sagot sa (mga) tanong ko para di ako nagmumukhang tanga kakahula... hay.

the world seems to be telling me that you can be there all the time, but you will never, ever, become mine.



i'm not... i'm still not certain if i'm asking for that to happen, for you to be mine... i just want to get to know you more right now. i've never really thought about anyone being "mine"... more like, i know you like me, and you know i like you, and we can revel in that knowledge - the knowledge that someone loves us, and we can come home to that someone if we want to. that's the sort of arrangement i keep thinking about. and i can imagine it happening to us, but i'm not exactly asking for it to happen right now, as that would be too abrupt, unless you actually do feel the same way, then maybe we can work on something. but i'm not gonna assume that, so... really, i'll be very happy just to get any indication of welcome.



i do miss you though. i really do.

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You've just changed from my forever love to my forever frustration...

That's always been what you are. I am just too blind to see that.

I'm hoping you would see this just so i could gauge your reaction. I just want to see a solid answer, or sign, on whether continuing this is still called love or already called lunacy. I don't care about any future plans, assumptions, dreams, goals. I just want to know the now.

I'm being a huge coward haha.

But if it was so easy, it wouldn't be as romantic... nor as sweet... nor as precious... it wouldn't amount to anything at all.